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Need advice

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
CrushedSO
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Isle of Man

Re: Need advice

Post by CrushedSO » Thu Jul 05, 2018 1:23 am

L_F I agree with you, because we are trying to build a new one too! (All of you here have helped in so many ways with all of your insights, thank you all!)

I also agree with the Vulcan. Sure it could be done, but why bother? (from the point of the non-limerent starting a new relationship with the LS who is limerent for another). Personally I would just cut my losses.

We have a marriage, a family, a life together and a home. I wouldn’t drag someone through my mess if the relationship was just starting, nor would I expect them to stick around for that. Unless of course both parties are willing to do their heavy lifting and build something great. Then it could become the best thing each of them ever decided to do.

MrSpock
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Re: Need advice

Post by MrSpock » Thu Jul 05, 2018 2:17 am

L-F wrote:
Wed Jul 04, 2018 11:51 pm
MrSpock wrote:
Wed Jul 04, 2018 8:28 pm
L-F wrote:
Wed Jul 04, 2018 8:07 pm
Second best? Is your wife second best?
Very good question. No she is not.. but then, what's the difference?
OMG! :-o
Let me clarify just in case...

I mean, what is the difference between my case with my partner, and CG's partner case with his (that is, CG)
Why do I think my own limerence does not at all render DW second best, while his might.

MrSpock
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Re: Need advice

Post by MrSpock » Thu Jul 05, 2018 2:20 am

L-F wrote:
Thu Jul 05, 2018 12:02 am
It makes no difference at what point you become limerent.
I think it does.. but I said so already, so let's not digress. Maybe you're right, maybe I am.

MrSpock
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Re: Need advice

Post by MrSpock » Thu Jul 05, 2018 2:26 am

L-F wrote:
Thu Jul 05, 2018 12:26 am
MrSpock wrote:
Wed Jul 04, 2018 8:28 pm
What you can is preserve one you already built, but build a new one? I don't think so.
So you'd say your relationship is worth 'preserving' even though it led you to become limerent?
Not just mine. And is not my relationship what led me to become limerent, but you already know that.

Anyway, I do see your point, why would mine, or ours (pretty much every member of this forum) I should say, and not hers? I see why you think this distinction is uncalled for.

But I explained why already: I really do think the pre-existing limerence before he hooked up with CG makes ALL the difference.

Am I right? who knows? I'm just explaining the reasons for my argument and what I would do in her shoes.

MrSpock
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Re: Need advice

Post by MrSpock » Thu Jul 05, 2018 3:01 am

MrSpock wrote:
Thu Jul 05, 2018 2:26 am
I'm just explaining the reasons for my argument and what I would do in her shoes.
I'm thinking I better elaborate on why do I think this way...

In different posts I mentioned that I had an LO right before I started dating my wife. What I didn't say is this:

I meet my wife while in the very middle of LE (I knew LO from way before). I totally sensed that DW was into me, but my eyes and feelings where completely taken. For a few months both LO and DW were a part of my life, with DW as a friend and LO also as a sort of a friend (I asked her out, she said no, we remained friends from her POV).
One night I got the insight that I was suffering like an abandoned dog for LO, while DW was there clearly noticing me, and I was being an idiot for wanting what I can't have and not seeing what I can. That night I started to consider dating DW.
But I wouldn't, because it seemed wrong to do that to her. So I waited for LE to fade. I didn't know anything limerence at the time but I had experienced it before and I knew it was going to fade.
Eventually it did, so, several months after that night I considered myself free from it. I kept seeing LO (and DW) very often and I could totally check that all romantics feelings where gone. THEN I asked DW out. On our very first date, I told her everything about LO, and how I used to feel, because she was (and still is) a mutual friend and she needed to know that.

So, as you can see, my own experience is very similar to the one of CG's partner. It is from that experience that I'm not sure he can really build a proper relationship with CG if still in LE with the other girl.

L-F
Posts: 2516
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United States of America

Re: Need advice

Post by L-F » Thu Jul 05, 2018 3:19 am

MrSpock wrote:
Wed Jul 04, 2018 8:28 pm
I really do think the pre-existing limerence before he hooked up with CG makes ALL the difference.

Maybe because CG mentioned...
curlygirl1961 wrote:
Wed Jul 04, 2018 5:09 pm
Somehow our rekindled friendship turned into rekindled love...he initiated it by telling me his feelings...and it is definitely love and not limerence. He can tell the difference, as can I.
... to tell someone to break up with the someone they love is a bit steep. That would be like me saying your wife should leave you because she deserves better.
MrSpock wrote:
Wed Jul 04, 2018 6:55 pm
While with my first girlfriend (a lifetime ago), by the fifth month I would have gone to the moon with her, I think the best thing for you is to break up right away, even if it hurts.
And then...
MrSpock wrote:
Wed Jul 04, 2018 6:55 pm
The reason is that the last thing you need at this time in your life is to start out a new relationship being second best already.
Wow! Who said she was second best?


Amazing advice from someone who doesn't have honest open communication with their SO.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

CrushedSO
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Re: Need advice

Post by CrushedSO » Thu Jul 05, 2018 3:48 am

But she is “second best”. She even acknowledges how much it hurts her “not having his full attention”. It kind of boggles my mind how anyone could start a relationship with person B when they’re limerent for person A. Not that I’m judging, I just couldn’t do it. The only thing I had on my mind was LO, and repercussions based around limerence/my actions.

Unless of course person B was a distraction from LO (which is also a distraction).

Ivanhoe
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Re: Need advice

Post by Ivanhoe » Thu Jul 05, 2018 4:21 am

I started a relationship while limerent. It was strange because I think my limerence was a function of massive real time grief (death of 33 year married spouse). The new relationship was not something I sought except more or less by accident. But it very quickly reduced my limerence and allowed me to access my grief. When additional losses occurred, that relationship ended allowing (forcing :)) ) me to confront more grief.

So I don’t know about starting a relationship while limerent, I think it would depend on how aware I was about the reality of limerence.
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

L-F
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Re: Need advice

Post by L-F » Thu Jul 05, 2018 4:27 am

My apologies MrSpock. I made an assumption that you don't have honest open communication. Perhaps you do. I based my judgement on what it means to 'not hide anything' from SO or feeling the need to hide anything. To hide things makes me wonder if the LS can be authentic around SO. Just my view of what open honest communication means.

Whereas in CGs case, it's all on the table! You very rarely get that kind of disclosure and raw honesty from an LS with their SO. So in this sense, CG is better off than most LS (and their SOs) here (regardless of how long the relationship has been going for)... because... both are being HONEST with each other. Not feeling the NEED to hide anything. And most importantly, not hiding from themselves.
Last edited by L-F on Thu Jul 05, 2018 5:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

L-F
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Re: Need advice

Post by L-F » Thu Jul 05, 2018 4:31 am

Ivanhoe wrote:
Thu Jul 05, 2018 4:21 am
So I don’t know about starting a relationship while limerent, I think it would depend on how aware I was about the reality of limerence.
Exactly! And it sounds like both are aware of the heavy lifting required. If anything they'll likely end up with a stronger union because of it, if they are committed to working together.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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