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Major life change, alcoholism and limerence

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
Forestcat1
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Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2018 11:58 am

Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by Forestcat1 »

PS Sorry, Mr Spock, not Dr lol :)

L-F
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Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by L-F »

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Last edited by L-F on Wed Oct 23, 2019 10:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
"What we all want, really, is to be loved.
That craving drives our worst behavior." Jodi Picoult
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David
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Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by David »

Forestcat1 wrote:
Thu Mar 01, 2018 6:28 pm
The terrible choice was - my mother would have died without my care, my DH was in a bad way emotionally but not critical at the time and as I said our relationship has been one-sided (me looking after him) because of his mental health issues. My DH likes my mother alot so it was easier in that way. So I looked after my mother who was more critical at the time. Luck wasn't on my side!!
These things are sent to test us.

Is it really true that your mother would have died? What country does she reside in? Does she have health care? Are you a doctor and if so were you the only doctor able to save her? What would really have happened if you didn't show up?

I ask these questions as we are often brainwashed by our FOO to be subservient to them. In most cases, children are little more than narcissistic extensions for unconscious parents who didn't stop to really think about why they were having children before doing their own growing up.

I no longer do things for my father out of FOG. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Its either from a place of love (not in my case, there is no love) or compassion. And however desperate his plight, my FOC will always take preference. We owe our parents nothing, they chose to manufacture us, we didn't ask to be born. Hopefully they do a good enough job in raising us that we do love them and want to spend time with them, but not if its from a place of their manipulation.

Despite what i have just written, I concur with others that it wasn't your job to rescue your SO. Are you codependent? That's what those that gravitate to addicts like to do, rescue them as opposed to starting out their own emotional baggage out. There reads so much enmeshment in your relationship its going to take work to separate out what is what and whose is whose.
Do you want help with limerence from the founder of this site?
I'm a qualified counsellor, psychotherapist, medical practitioner and leadership coach.
To book a session see http://loverelations.co.uk/on-line-support-for-limerence-from-dr-david-perl/

Forestcat1
Posts: 15
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2018 11:58 am

Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by Forestcat1 »

Hi David, thanks for the post.
Yes, been analysing that codependence thing as well. I think I was codependent but not badly at one stage about 5 years ago but since then I've been to Al-Anon and got support so have come away from that. Tbh, I think my DH was dependent on me, something he resented during the last year when he was desperately trying to cope with all his issues. Interestingly, his LO is someone with possibly as many, if not more issues than my DH has and this makes my DH feel connected with her and needed at the moment. But I wonder if two very needy and F***** up people eventually make a disaster? At the moment it's helping him with the alcoholism though which is obviously good for him, and gives me the chance to escape from it and from the enmeshed stuff that you mention. Already, we have a much better relationship because the pressures (work and alcohol) are off us.

Re. my mother - she had no choice in who looked after her as she has Alzheimers dementia. The condition she had was a strange low salt condition, which kills and was undiagnosed. The doctors advised me to nurse her at home because she needed constant fluids which the hospital said they couldn't cope with due to staffing levels. So I was assigned a home nursing team for check ups but I had to do the bulk of the work. I have a sister but she will never do anything to help and I am estranged from her, so basically everything fell to me as I couldn't get much care help during the summer holidays. An impossible choice - my mother would definitely have died if I hadn't attended to her, I owe her a lot as she's been a good friend to me, particularly when I was being emotionally abused by my other half early on in our marriage. So I made an unconscious choice and I'm glad I did because how bad would I be feeling now if I'd supported my DH at the expense of my mother and he'd still had this limerent affair, which is quite possible.

This does at least give us a chance to work through those enmeshed problems of entitlement because the two things (work and alcohol) that were the cause of all the trouble in our marriage and my DH's selfish behaviour towards me have been taken out of the equation. Any dependencies/rescue missions on each other have been taken away as well, this gives us a much healthier relationship.

Thanks L-F for the post. I would not be seeing my DH out of spite or anything, just out of friendship, to heal the past and have a better future, whether it is with him or not. It couldn't work for me to see my DH with his LO as she has many anxiety issues and it would be very complicated. I was very supportive to my DH's LO at first as she had a lot of problems with her abusive husband, but she threw it all back at me and basically walked all over me to get what she wanted for her SELF, which was my DH. Wouldn't seeing them together and therefore nurturing their relationship be allowing them both to walk all over me and should I be nurturing their potentially toxic limerent relationship anyway?

Spinnaker
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Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by Spinnaker »

If you haven't read it already, please pick up the book Co-dependency No More. Even reading books like this 6 months later can lift the veil. We (co-dependent's) are very clever about covering up our pain-- finding ourselves miserable and seemingly stuck in no win situations.
Last edited by Spinnaker on Mon Mar 12, 2018 7:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
“Footprints that perhaps another,
Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.”

Longfellow

Forestcat1
Posts: 15
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2018 11:58 am

Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by Forestcat1 »

Thanks Spinnaker, I will definitely check out that book and keep going to the meetings.
There is one area where I feel I am co-dependent and that is that I can't stand the unfairness of the fact that I have worked so hard on our marriage and someone else has just come in and reaped the rewards of my efforts, just as things were beginning to turn around. But I'm not sure she'll reap the rewards long-term, my DH is clearly in limerence and he hasn't sorted himself out with learning to love properly yet.
The sense of unfairness is a natural feeling I guess and is a sense of entitlement but probably co-dependence as well and I need to work on that. I totally agree and have come to the conclusion myself that if I do see my DH it is on MY terms and he must be doing things for ME - that is what is going to heal any hurt, co-dependence etc for me.

L-F
Posts: 2902
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by L-F »

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Last edited by L-F on Fri Oct 25, 2019 12:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
"What we all want, really, is to be loved.
That craving drives our worst behavior." Jodi Picoult
@};-

Forestcat1
Posts: 15
Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2018 11:58 am

Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by Forestcat1 »

Thanks L-F - yes, I am totally pained by the unfairness and the fact that he can't show me the loyalty that I've shown him. But then someone with so many problems can't, it's silly for me to expect that. It's v painful to see him giving everything to his LO, who I feel is totally selfish, that he should be giving to me. But then he's really doing it for himself, I know that. His love for his LO is not unconditional, how could it be after 3 months - I think they're both using each other under the guise of true love.
I'm being really careful with my motives - yes, I would like him to learn to love himself, for himself, it's horrible to watch someone suffering so badly from their demons but I would also like to heal myself from the effects of those demons, which I've suffered from for a long time.
I truly believe that is the best thing for me, I know that if I walk out and just look after myself I will feel bitter because I never turned things around to heal me. Hope that's understandable? I am aware that I deserve this.

Spinnaker
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Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2016 7:25 am
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Age: 53
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Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by Spinnaker »

.
Last edited by Spinnaker on Mon Mar 12, 2018 7:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
“Footprints that perhaps another,
Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.”

Longfellow

L-F
Posts: 2902
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by L-F »

.
Last edited by L-F on Thu Oct 24, 2019 9:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
"What we all want, really, is to be loved.
That craving drives our worst behavior." Jodi Picoult
@};-

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