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Major life change, alcoholism and limerence

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
Forestcat1
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Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by Forestcat1 » Fri Mar 02, 2018 9:58 pm

PS Sorry, Mr Spock, not Dr lol :)

L-F
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Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by L-F » Sat Mar 03, 2018 2:50 am

I would ask the counselor if he thinks it's a good idea to sleep with him. I'm saying that because inevitably that kind of thing happens when someone is confused about real love.

I'd also spend time with him AND her. I wouldn't (if I was being genuinely helpful) get in the way of separating them. I'd see and spend time in both their company. That way I'd know I couldn't be called a relationship-wrecker. But I'd only choose to do it that way, if I genuinely cared for him. Otherwise he'd likely get into the 'I really want you, but don't want you, just sleep with me' dance.

I'd happily see my husband on his own to help put a wedge between them. There is nothing like messing with a messed up mind. But that's if I was being nasty, hence choosing (should I be in this predicament), to spend time with both of them... as friends.

To cut a long story short... I'd pay close attention to my agenda/intentions.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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David
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Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by David » Sat Mar 03, 2018 7:47 am

Forestcat1 wrote:
Thu Mar 01, 2018 6:28 pm
The terrible choice was - my mother would have died without my care, my DH was in a bad way emotionally but not critical at the time and as I said our relationship has been one-sided (me looking after him) because of his mental health issues. My DH likes my mother alot so it was easier in that way. So I looked after my mother who was more critical at the time. Luck wasn't on my side!!
These things are sent to test us.

Is it really true that your mother would have died? What country does she reside in? Does she have health care? Are you a doctor and if so were you the only doctor able to save her? What would really have happened if you didn't show up?

I ask these questions as we are often brainwashed by our FOO to be subservient to them. In most cases, children are little more than narcissistic extensions for unconscious parents who didn't stop to really think about why they were having children before doing their own growing up.

I no longer do things for my father out of FOG. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Its either from a place of love (not in my case, there is no love) or compassion. And however desperate his plight, my FOC will always take preference. We owe our parents nothing, they chose to manufacture us, we didn't ask to be born. Hopefully they do a good enough job in raising us that we do love them and want to spend time with them, but not if its from a place of their manipulation.

Despite what i have just written, I concur with others that it wasn't your job to rescue your SO. Are you codependent? That's what those that gravitate to addicts like to do, rescue them as opposed to starting out their own emotional baggage out. There reads so much enmeshment in your relationship its going to take work to separate out what is what and whose is whose.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Relationship Coaching help see www.loverelations.co.uk
For Individual Coaching and Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

Forestcat1
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Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by Forestcat1 » Sat Mar 03, 2018 1:38 pm

Hi David, thanks for the post.
Yes, been analysing that codependence thing as well. I think I was codependent but not badly at one stage about 5 years ago but since then I've been to Al-Anon and got support so have come away from that. Tbh, I think my DH was dependent on me, something he resented during the last year when he was desperately trying to cope with all his issues. Interestingly, his LO is someone with possibly as many, if not more issues than my DH has and this makes my DH feel connected with her and needed at the moment. But I wonder if two very needy and F***** up people eventually make a disaster? At the moment it's helping him with the alcoholism though which is obviously good for him, and gives me the chance to escape from it and from the enmeshed stuff that you mention. Already, we have a much better relationship because the pressures (work and alcohol) are off us.

Re. my mother - she had no choice in who looked after her as she has Alzheimers dementia. The condition she had was a strange low salt condition, which kills and was undiagnosed. The doctors advised me to nurse her at home because she needed constant fluids which the hospital said they couldn't cope with due to staffing levels. So I was assigned a home nursing team for check ups but I had to do the bulk of the work. I have a sister but she will never do anything to help and I am estranged from her, so basically everything fell to me as I couldn't get much care help during the summer holidays. An impossible choice - my mother would definitely have died if I hadn't attended to her, I owe her a lot as she's been a good friend to me, particularly when I was being emotionally abused by my other half early on in our marriage. So I made an unconscious choice and I'm glad I did because how bad would I be feeling now if I'd supported my DH at the expense of my mother and he'd still had this limerent affair, which is quite possible.

This does at least give us a chance to work through those enmeshed problems of entitlement because the two things (work and alcohol) that were the cause of all the trouble in our marriage and my DH's selfish behaviour towards me have been taken out of the equation. Any dependencies/rescue missions on each other have been taken away as well, this gives us a much healthier relationship.

Thanks L-F for the post. I would not be seeing my DH out of spite or anything, just out of friendship, to heal the past and have a better future, whether it is with him or not. It couldn't work for me to see my DH with his LO as she has many anxiety issues and it would be very complicated. I was very supportive to my DH's LO at first as she had a lot of problems with her abusive husband, but she threw it all back at me and basically walked all over me to get what she wanted for her SELF, which was my DH. Wouldn't seeing them together and therefore nurturing their relationship be allowing them both to walk all over me and should I be nurturing their potentially toxic limerent relationship anyway?

Spinnaker
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Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by Spinnaker » Sat Mar 03, 2018 5:53 pm

If you haven't read it already, please pick up the book Co-dependency No More. Even reading books like this 6 months later can lift the veil. We (co-dependent's) are very clever about covering up our pain-- finding ourselves miserable and seemingly stuck in no win situations.
Last edited by Spinnaker on Mon Mar 12, 2018 7:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
“We are tied in a single garment of destiny. What affects one directly affects everyone indirectly”.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Forestcat1
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Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by Forestcat1 » Sat Mar 03, 2018 6:07 pm

Thanks Spinnaker, I will definitely check out that book and keep going to the meetings.
There is one area where I feel I am co-dependent and that is that I can't stand the unfairness of the fact that I have worked so hard on our marriage and someone else has just come in and reaped the rewards of my efforts, just as things were beginning to turn around. But I'm not sure she'll reap the rewards long-term, my DH is clearly in limerence and he hasn't sorted himself out with learning to love properly yet.
The sense of unfairness is a natural feeling I guess and is a sense of entitlement but probably co-dependence as well and I need to work on that. I totally agree and have come to the conclusion myself that if I do see my DH it is on MY terms and he must be doing things for ME - that is what is going to heal any hurt, co-dependence etc for me.

L-F
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Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by L-F » Sat Mar 03, 2018 6:43 pm

I can't help but ask, are you pained by what he has done? I know you've mentioned that you are happy for her to take the strain of his conditions so that you can rest. Could it be that him choosing her over you is providing relief and happiness?

Yes... pay close attention to what your ulterior motives are. We all have them. They are the ones we tend to want to ignore. They feed our narcissism hence the most caring person is highly likely to ignore them. The more spiteful ones, like me, can easily see them and acknowledge them. That is why understanding our shadows are important to acknowledge. Because then we get to choose if we act from a more conscious/authentic place. Uncovering shadows helps me to 'get real'... it doesn't mean I can walk proudly with spitefulness. It means I can see it coming quite clearly then change my path.

I only have two things to share...
Play close attention to what drives you,
and look after your heart. You have a huge caring heart as Spinnaker pointed out. Save some of that for you.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

Forestcat1
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Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by Forestcat1 » Sat Mar 03, 2018 7:09 pm

Thanks L-F - yes, I am totally pained by the unfairness and the fact that he can't show me the loyalty that I've shown him. But then someone with so many problems can't, it's silly for me to expect that. It's v painful to see him giving everything to his LO, who I feel is totally selfish, that he should be giving to me. But then he's really doing it for himself, I know that. His love for his LO is not unconditional, how could it be after 3 months - I think they're both using each other under the guise of true love.
I'm being really careful with my motives - yes, I would like him to learn to love himself, for himself, it's horrible to watch someone suffering so badly from their demons but I would also like to heal myself from the effects of those demons, which I've suffered from for a long time.
I truly believe that is the best thing for me, I know that if I walk out and just look after myself I will feel bitter because I never turned things around to heal me. Hope that's understandable? I am aware that I deserve this.

Spinnaker
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Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by Spinnaker » Sat Mar 03, 2018 7:23 pm

.
Last edited by Spinnaker on Mon Mar 12, 2018 7:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
“We are tied in a single garment of destiny. What affects one directly affects everyone indirectly”.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

L-F
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Re: Major live change, alcoholism and limerence

Post by L-F » Sat Mar 03, 2018 7:31 pm

Forestcat1 wrote:
Sat Mar 03, 2018 7:09 pm
I am aware that I deserve this.
I wouldn't say you deserve it. Far from it. I suspect some of us here see your pain more than you acknowledge. Almost as if you have a wall up. I could be wrong.

You know its perfectly okay to be weak.

I have clients who walk happily amongst the ruins and I wonder when they will break and what it will take. They inevitably do. Thats the moment they let their guard down. Thats the moment when they are honest with themselves.

Of course this doesn't mean you have to have a breakdown. Though I have yet to see the strongest person not have one. Sometimes my clients pretend things are okay because its too difficult to recognize the pain for what its worth. Idk. I'm rambling here. I feel for you in this difficult time. Please don't use what your husband is doing as a front. I know you want to save him, but there lies one huge issue... your need to save him. Codependency clouds our vision and saves us from the real pain.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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