L-F wrote: ↑
Thu Mar 01, 2018 9:46 pm
What about his love for her? When does his actions factor in to it?
As I believe love is a way of doing, a way that leads to happiness, your question could be rephrased:
"What is she supposed to do in order to approach her own happiness"
Certainly, she has to see what does she need to be happy, and, clearly, in this very specific case, she needs to see her DH happy.
While I'm not specifically arguing that self-love, strictly in itself, requires as a general rule the happiness of others, I do argue that loving someone else does require their happiness (for that is what it means to (truly) love something [as opposed to want (to posses) someone instead]).
Since she loves him, she needs him to be happy.
If she needs him to be happy, which is a clear fact in this case, does that means she should, say, make their
bed so he gets a good laid (with LO) in clean sheets? Of course not. Why?
Because she does need him to be happy, but
in order for her to be happy. That is, his happiness is not her goal, her own happiness is
. His happiness is just a means to it (among others).
At the end of the day, is a matter of simple math. Making them
the bed for a good laid amounts to, say, 5 points for him, but it costs her 500, so she ends up -450 points down. If her goal
were to make him happy, that would do it, but for her own happiness, the math sucks.
Notice that the fundamental difference between selfishness and self-love is that, while in both cases the single--or at least primary--goal, is our own happiness, in the former, the happiness of others is not
weighted in, while in the later it is.
In my first post I tried to just lay down the key facts without giving to much of an advice regarding what to specifically do. This time I'll be more specific.
By all means pursue your own happiness. The happiness of your DH can never be a goal in itself. That's not how we humans operate. We humans all need to focus in our own happiness first, which does not mean being selfish, if and while we do that by harmonically weighting in the happiness of those we choose to love (and the more the better).
BUT, in doing so, make sure to consider that right now, because of how much you love him, his own happiness is in the list of things you, yourself, need.
At this point, you have to cut him loose. He is acting selfishly, which means, he is not weighting you in. But, he is being like that out of despair and confusion due to the tragic combo of depression, mental illness, alcoholism and on top of all that limerence; so you have to hold on (because is what you need). I'm sure he does love you, which means he does need you to be happy (apart from wanting
you which means needing [to posses] you). That's why I'm sure that if he does come out of hell, he will come back.
Granted, you are only human, and very precisely as you said, once the distance is set, no ones knows how your love for him will adapt. It might fade out... let him know that.
Notice that to love him (wanting him to be happy) and to want him (to be with you) are two interrelated but ultimately separate things. Wanting him is, at this point, the feeling that you are better off without. But that doesn't mean you have to stop loving him (even if, being human, once you start to stop wanting him, the love might fade out as well)