- Posts: 898
- Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2015 12:48 pm
in defense of limerents....limerence is not a free pass for unethical behavior. the condition itself might make the LS feel it's uncontrollable , but unlike alcoholism the LS doesn't have the ability and ease of access to just obtain their drug, and can most certainly exercise restraint. and your DH if unable to exercise such restraint, cannot blame it on his limerence. I don't believe that you can compare the two in that regard. certain aspects of addiction apply to many addictions....but this addiction doesn't compare to the way that an alcoholic must deal with the addiction of alcohol. the compelling nature of substance addictions is much more severe than that of limerence. behavioral addictions are much more easily contained than substance addictions. despite the outrageous feelings and compulsions a limerent feels, it's always within the ability of an LS to use restraint that might not be as readily used in substance addictions. (others may disagree but that's my feeling on this) in your DH's case, he may think he is substituting one addiction for another....but limerence always inevitably dies out....whereas alcoholism is a life-long challenge.
your DH has really crossed an ethical line with you. he is so out of tune and so unconscious about the impact of all of this on you, every angle is the angle that serves him best (or his new paramour). it's as if you don't even exist in his imagination when he projects about some rosy future and how you will be in it to his liking or convenience.
the majority of the time limerence is something that happens from afar....and increases when there's any degree of uncertainty or hot/cold behavior. which sounds like your DH is undergoing with his LO and her indecisiveness and back and forth with her own DH.
I feel for you in this very trying time. he couldn't be more selfish than he is being towards you right now if he tried.
selfish love is not true love no matter how he tries to tell you friendship is enduring and will last. to be honest, he sounds like he has a track record of selfishness when it comes to you.
please don't feel offended....but the real question isn't about his awakening (since he desperately needs one)...but this is about your awakening....
you can continue to toss away your happiness in search of it through your DH. but you will never find it there. none of us will ever have a chance of finding it there with another selfish oblivious person. we just can't find that happiness we seek in other imperfect people. we are so imperfect ourselves how can we find meaningful happiness it in another imperfect person? that person would have to own up to their imperfectness and be dedicated to compassionately turning their own ship around. your DH is in pursuit of his happiness at the absolute expense of yours.
even if he wakes up tomorrow and has an epiphany that you are the tried and true woman of his life and he begs forgiveness....it's not enough. because he could always fall away from you from another weakness of his.
yes...it's that blunt. life is that blunt.
the real questions are: why do you cling to someone who can't give you the strength and courage to live life in an honest way for your future?
once a person proves they are willing to do the work with you, once a person is as dedicated as you are towards this kind of relationship and connection, you stand a fighting chance....but anything less... is a pure waste of time and personal resources.
I know you feel horrible about what is going on in your life right now....but you might look back on this period and realize...wow...that was so painful something inside of me broke and then a light went off.
I hope that happens for you so you can feel the goodness of the light within you. please forgive me if I was too over the top. one thing I learned from your description is how selfish I was towards my DH. I said some things along the lines of what your DH did. I know now why I was so checked out. and I know that my DH was sometimes selfish too. perhaps that's the balance in all love relationships...finding that place where my selfishness can tone down, and his too. we never found that place.
the other woman has no guilt in this. this is all about your DH. that's another point others may disagree...but no amount of manipulation makes a person cross an ethical line...it is the unconscious actions of that person which carry them over that line. that, I speak of, through my own trials.
ha! I originally types, "that, I sadly speak of, through my own trials."
and then I went back and erased sadly. because it was through the gift of sadly, that I learned everything I know now about happiness. (and how to not even seek it, but live honestly, and there it is for me to have at times).
no one is always happy...but we don't have to be miserable. and we are responsible for that. that's a tough responsibility to own up to...but we must.
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All I can say is take care of you. What is it that you want?
That craving drives our worst behavior." Jodi Picoult
- Posts: 610
- Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:49 pm
IF DW could adopt some of the character aspects that LO seems to have, then I may become limerent for DW but expecting someone to change their core personality is unrealistic.
LO- married 48,work colleagues
- Posts: 378
- Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2017 11:15 pm
When you weren't there, because you needed all your energy for your mother, his prop was missing and he shifted his focus to what he felt served him at that moment ( another co-dependent woman?) , but his LO probably wont have enough power to pull him out of this , since she is herself in an abusive relationship, where she seems the weak one. And right now your SO and his LO are floating on roses, but wait until she notices how weak he really is.....
So there are 2 weak people trying to prop each other up and your SO is trying to keep you in the structure, because you are still showing strength in this situation, still standing by plus he has a bad conscience. He doesn't want to lose you as a "close friend" because that would add to his feeling guilty. Right now you are playing his game... If you leave this scenario, it's all going to break down like a house of cards..
Just my observation . Look after youself, nurture yourself , that is your utmost priority . If you are not strong, you can't help anybody if you still feel so inclined to do that after this situation has proceeded..
- Posts: 361
- Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2017 11:17 am
Unless I missed something I didn't gather whether there are children in the equation.
If there are then IMHO the whole thing takes on different ramifications in terms of sorting it out.
If not then maybe David is right and looking after mum when your SO is in crisis is opening the door for mischief of all sorts.
I feel for you..It must hurt like hell but it could just be you have reached a natural parting of the ways.
If you have kids then you have a whole lot more shit to factor in.
- Posts: 361
- Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2017 11:17 am
For the record I would write the exact same thing regardless of the sex of the writer and the SO.
These things are messy and awful irrespective of the sex of the protagonists.
- Posts: 884
- Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
- Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
- Age: 49
They say is helpful to hear all the bells, so, allow me share my views which may not be in line with the advice from the rest of the forum. Then just pick what works for you.
You more than clearly loves him very very much. That's the reason you've done everything you had for 15 years.
That he is depressed, mentally ill, and now limerence means life is way over his head. He doesn't know what he needs, let alone what to do. From the depth of that whirlpool, whatever he thinks, whatever he says and whatever he does is bound to be f**ed up. Is it he fault? we're all responsible for what we do with the cards we're given, but then, we can only do what we can with those cards.
If the situation were that he is a reasonable stable person, physically, emotionally and mentally, which just so happened to run off with a girl, then however you love him, you would have to face the fact that you're are way better off. Much as all we limerents here are way better off without our LOs.
But that's not the case. From what you said, he needs a ton of help. In fact, he needs a legion of helping hands, not just yours. But you know that already because you've been the healing hand all alone.
That his "disease" (for it IS a disease even if not physical) gets him into being so confused as to think he doesn't need you, or your help, or anybody's help for that matter (other than LO), does mean that your hands are tied, but it doesn't mean you have to finally give up on him. Don't do that.
As I wrote in another thread regarding another depressed SO (but being the partner of the LS in that case): Love is not a commodity, is not something to be given or taken. Everything you've done for him has never been something you have traded with him. If that were the case, if that were what Love is all about, then you would have wasted time and energy in a rotten investment. But that's not how it is. Everything you've done for him is so you can see and feel him as happy as he can be, and that intention, that goal, that need won't ever go away just because he doesn't know how to be happy and now doesn't even know you want him to be and are in fact the only one person in the world that can actually help him get there.
For as long as you do love him, don't give up on him, even if in practice that means temporarily giving him all the space in the world and watching and helping from a distance.
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