wonderful. now the question arises once the power struggle dissipates from regret and loss and missing that other person and the "good times" (if that happens even) this love that comes to the surface must be navigated as completely new terrain. for the old paradigm has completely fallen away from being exposed to the light of truth. true love can withstand these tests. selfish love will perish.MrSpock wrote: ↑Wed Mar 07, 2018 9:41 pmNow, in the case at hand, it is the very premise that he is nothing but an abuser what I completely questioned. In my experience, abusers are malign narcs pretty much in their right mind. But mentally ill, depressed alcoholics might display abusive behaviors at times, but it is the underlying intention that struggles to surface what is completely different from that of a straight up narc abuser, and is worth fighting for.
So, if you break free from the toxic relationship as a first step, those driving forces based on power and control naturally dissipates. Once they do, any other underlying force that might have existed in the relationship, such a love as in this case, can now surface. And from that distance, they can operate without compromising a bit of self-love (as it happens from within the relationship).
Forestcat1 wrote: ↑Wed Mar 07, 2018 10:43 pmWhat I am struggling with at the moment in my DH, is extreme limerence. He is going through the 'stages' described and at the moment is in emotional abuse mode. Do you want to be 'mean' to your spouse when in limerence? I'm told that's characteristic of it. Having been kind and supportive to start with, I have now drawn the line and am giving him total space, only responding when he shows proper caring (love) behaviour. He is coming off alcohol too so it's difficult to know where the limerence ends and that starts. I suspect at the moment he is under stress to behave well with his LO so I am getting the emotional abuse. WHICH I AM NOT ACCEPTING!
I'm willing to help him for the reasons that Mr Spock describes above, but I agree this should not be at my expense, that is what I'm working on.
it's not that you want to be "mean" to your spouse when in limerence, but careful that you are not enabling his disregard for your feelings through his limerence by forgiving him his limerence carte blanche. it is not a characteristic of limerence to be completely disconnected from your current partner who isn't the LO. quite contrary. deep feelings of guilt and confusion are some characteristics of limerence for the limerent subject as it pertains to their feelings for another while married or in relationship with the non-LO.
usually the disconnect one feels for the current partner who is not the LO has been a longstanding disconnect (otherwise limerence doesn't happen is my theory).
so the LO is the remedy to that disconnect. however, it is never an excuse to stray from the current partner into a love affair with the LO at the expense of the current partner, but something to be dealt with together through marriage counseling from two willing partners. without that kind of cooperation, there isn't the respect inherent in true love to keep the relationship together. limerence is not a Get Out Of Marriage Free Card. it's a warning sign that the relationship lacks the communication, respect and love that's needed for the relationship to grow and be meaningful for both partners.