My SO (DH) was very unhappy in a tough job but gave it everything for about 20 years. Last year he was unexpectedly made redundant in a very unpleasant and damaging way. His self esteem (already low) plummeted and he already had heavy drinking/alcoholism issues due to work problems so these got much worse and he almost had a breakdown. I was away alot during this time looking after my seriously ill mother so not on hand to support in the same way and needed support myself. Cue Facebook! My SO's 'first proper girlfriend', who was in an abusive relationship with her husband, contacted my SO asking how he was and saying how she remembered the good times they had.
He started corresponding with her and she offered him friendship while I wasn't there and was what I can only describe as selfish and manipulative. Eventually they met up and my SO became extremely limerent as her husband was treating her badly and my SO kept rushing to support her, it all exaggerated the limerence with the forbidden aspect. Within 3 months of seeing each other (about one day a week, mostly in hotel rooms) they have now decided they want to move in with each other and my SO eventually wants a divorce. After 15 years of marriage (during which we got through many ups and downs, mainly due to his mental and physical health issues), this is very tough for me because things were improving for us and this has thrown everything out of the window. It feels as though someone undeserving is reaping all the rewards of my hard graft and sacrifices (some very big) for our relationship.
We both feel we have a strong bond (he says that worries him) and he seems to be very keen on developing a strong 'friendship' with me, spending enjoyable time with me and helping me, strangely like our marriage should be! He doesn't want to let me go from his life. But he is heavily influenced by his LO, he has a strong sexual relationship with her and cannot see any flaws in her, although I can see she has been very manipulative and selfish (she said her ideal was to stay in her own home but get 'what she wants' from my SO - he said he's happy with that, is that limerence?!). The LO has many mental health issues, including very serious anxiety issues. My SO enjoys helping her (improves his self esteem helping someone worse off) and seems to think that he can cure his alcoholism through helping her to cure her anxiety issues. While all this is going on, he has no sense of guilt whatsoever for what he's done to me and doesn't seem to care how hurt I am. His LO wants to maintain a strong relationship with her SO and her children and my SO and the LO almost seem to want the best of all worlds. My SO says he enjoys being the person he is (ie. age 19) with this LO and it takes him back to a time and place (where he grew up) where he is happy.
Has anyone else experienced any of these issues? I wonder if addiction to alcohol can also make someone more prone to limerence? My SO seems to be giving up the alcohol, which is great, but I read that the hormones produced in limerence can be the same, so is he just swapping one addiction for another? Anyone experienced the pull of first love and returning to a time and place when they were happier, particularly after a horrible life event? Does anyone come out of that strength of limerence?
Any thoughts greatly appreciated. Thanks!
