Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
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David
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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by David »

AMA210 wrote:
Fri Feb 09, 2018 1:31 am

So, I remove my expectations of him shaving more than once a month, showering, brushing teeth, and washing his hair. Also, sharing feelings and showing any vulnerability, paying attention to me when I talk to him, and releasing him of any expectation that he will suddenly wake up and want to change.
There are some basic things we do expect of our partners, to not be disrespectful, to wash, to share in the responsibilities of being a parent etc. If you've communicated these to him and he refuses to take note, it may be a period of separation may help him wake up. And perhaps he's not capable of waking up?
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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by AMA210 »

Ugh....yesterday I asked him if he loves himself. No reply. I said if you do, then you would shave, shower, and make yourself presentable. He took one shower this year. It's no wonder I have no attraction to him. I would think he would want to do this even more now, given my obsession with LO. I feel like he just gave up.
Aside from that, to get my attention, he will stand in front of me with his shirt up or his pants down and I keep telling him, it's not all about the physical. There are more important things about a person than physical attributes.
Maybe I should write him a letter. Although, he doesn't like to read, so....... :|

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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by AMA210 »

Where is the emoticon for banging on a drum all day?

So, today, there were several unforeseen bad things that happened according to DH.
1. It snowed -- 7 inches and the driveway had to be cleared
2. Went to store, got a piece of metal stuck in car tire, leaking air
3. Went to get it repaired, leak too big, bought replacement tire
4. Spent $266.for new tire (tragic)

So, in my calmer state of mind lately, my reply was:
You have no control over any of that bad stuff. Shit happens. What you can control is your reaction to it and whether or not you will be angry about it or let it go.
DH in turn says, I am sharing my angry feelings and thank you very much Mary Poppins!

:-? #-o

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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by CrushedSO »

Hey AMA, when did he stop showering etc? Trying to learn if it was in response to your LE or if he went downhill before that, adding to your unhappiness.

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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by AMA210 »

CrushedSO wrote:
Sat Feb 10, 2018 2:17 pm
Hey AMA, when did he stop showering etc? Trying to learn if it was in response to your LE or if he went downhill before that, adding to your unhappiness.
:( This has been going on for years....just noticeably worse since LE began....clearly, part of the "attraction" to LO, who was always groomed -- clean hair, fresh shave, natural scent, etc... :x .....he always looked good, and LO is older too. Dammit.

It's hard to hold a conversation with someone whose hair is sticking up and who wears the same clothes for 2 weeks. The physical attraction fuels the wanting to connect emotionally. It's all stopped with him......no attraction, no connection, emotional or spiritual, leads to no intimacy, causing me to find it elsewhere.

A severe contrast with LO. The physical attraction encourages conversation, which leads to connection, which gives rise to passion. And, I felt connection to him on a soul level. We would stand, looking into each other's eyes for a long time. Time stopped. I felt we were the only two people in the world. Neither of us were uncomfortable and neither looked away. I have never had this with DH. =((

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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by CrushedSO »

Sounds like you husband is really depressed. My dad is the same way after a prostate cancer treatment that did nerve damage to his back. Watched tv all day long, barely showered and his sleep schedule was completely messed up. He was also prescribed opioid pain killers for his back pain, which he got addicted to.

He ran out of his prescription and didn’t think anything of it until he was hospitalized for opioid withdrawal. It seems to have been his wake up call. We will see.

Has your husband acknowledged that he might be really depressed? If he feels so hopeless and worthless that he doesn’t even shower or anything, an emotional connection probably won’t happen. Have you asked him what he wants?

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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by AMA210 »

Appreciate the sharing.

He wants to make me happy.
Which, if he isn't happy with himself, that is impossible.

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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by CrushedSO »

Can you ask him what he wants for himself? Or is that what he meant by making you happy?

You’re right that his happiness needs to come from within

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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by Spinnaker »

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Last edited by Spinnaker on Sun Feb 10, 2019 11:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by AMA210 »

He doesn't know what he wants for himself.

It's like "happy wife, happy life".

I don't want someone to make me happy.
I want a partnership, where we help each other be the best version of ourselves possible.
I want to be free enough to be authentic and experience a full relationship -- body, mind and spirit

I told DH if given the choice between talking with LO for 2 hours OR sex, I would choose the talking.

Appreciate your help on this. :)

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