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Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
AMA210
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Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by AMA210 » Thu Feb 08, 2018 4:14 am

Having a hell of a time with this. Limerence is much improved. Definately not as obsessive and cannot live without this person. My focus is coming back and I actually have projects and dreams that I want to be reality. Have come a long way.

I don't know if the emotional connection with DH has been dead for so long OR it has been struggling to survive for all of these years or if it existed at all.

I recalled him downplaying my feelings or emotions at various difficult times. When I was depressed and anxious a dozen years ago and I told him I just wasn't right, he told me it was all in my head, for a damn year. With LO, you are just infatuated with him and he is nothing special. I am not sure where this is coming from.

The connection is "on" for a few days and then goes off. Same pattern for months now. A conversation with vulnerability and emotions should be good for a month of EC. I don't think DH gets it, period. I keep telling him, instead of saying, "do you have anything to talk about?" say, "what do you think about (blank)? OR "tell me about your writing." Nope, I have nothing, so he has nothing, and it stops there. And then the tv goes on.

This is clearly a very big problem that has not improved consistently. Very aggravating. His very technical nature is now annoying also. I think this is because I am moving in other directions of intuition and creative expressions.

This is the third week I haven't worn the ring. The diamond was lost and never found, so my wedding band sits. The ring I was wearing was a 15th anniversary ring, but it's a bit loose and turns around a lot. He doesn't wear his either even though he got it resized.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

WonkyBrainThe2nd
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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by WonkyBrainThe2nd » Thu Feb 08, 2018 11:26 am

I can imagine it feels frustrating. Downplaying your feelings isn't good. I do see hope with your DH though. He does seem to be trying, even though it's not continuously maintained. I'm more like your DH, too much emotional talk makes me uncomfortable (I actually find it draining) and I can drift into the technical where I'm more at ease. I'm consciously trying to be more open to emotional discussions but I don't think I'd ever be able to do it on a daily basis - I need breaks.

Marko wrote a great comment on someone's post about translating things to mantalk. Communication problems seem to be rampant in society to me, and the way I see it is people are often expecting the other person to enter into their world of how they communicate, and won't step into the other persons world. It's kind of like the love languages, but with general communication language. They end up butting heads, angry that the other person won't enter into their world. I spent most of my life like that, feeling frustrated and unheard, and that partners wouldn't enter into my world and always expect me to enter theirs. I had to train myself to recognise other people's communication styles and how we could both get something out of the interaction that we were happy with. I have to really think hard and plan out how to get across what I need to get across. And creatively think about how to both enter their world and help them enter mine. If you're a writer, you're made for figuring things like that out. :)

Not everyone is gonna be understanding of creativity. That's why I have a circle of creative people around me so I can be around people who "get it". Sometimes you have to get different needs met in different places, not from one person.

Out of interest, what kind of tv is it your DH is watching? Factual stuff? Sports? Dramas?
Last edited by WonkyBrainThe2nd on Thu Feb 08, 2018 4:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

AMA210
Posts: 1931
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by AMA210 » Thu Feb 08, 2018 12:33 pm

TV:
any movie or documentary on war
Crime shows like CSI
Political, like FoxNews
Religion, Prophecy in the News
Survivor, Big Brother, Hell's Kitchen
Humorous sitcoms, Life in Pieces, Big Bang Theory
Fishing shows

It's a very wide range.
IMO, not much that contributes to his growth as a person and/or expands his mind
For me, I can take it or leave it. If I miss a show, its not a big deal.

On a comical note, he is restricting his casino outings, but has now taken up various lotteries. @-)
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

WonkyBrainThe2nd
Posts: 272
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:32 pm

Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by WonkyBrainThe2nd » Thu Feb 08, 2018 4:38 pm

Well maybe DH is getting something from TV he isn't getting from you? Like you were getting something from LO that you weren't getting from DH? Maybe if you found out what that was, communication would be easier and he would be more willing to meet your needs? :-?? You can usually tell a lot about a person's psyche and the internal issues they are facing from what type of tv shows they watch, who their favourite characters are, etc.

mamasita
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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by mamasita » Thu Feb 08, 2018 4:45 pm

Ama, I think you should release all expectations of your DH.
Focus on you. This opinion may be unpopular with those who are married but it just seems like you want your DH along for your ride but he is resistant and uninterested. So take your ride and release your DH of the expectation that he needs to get it or understand.
TV is often another escape, as someone else said. If he is trying to escape YOU, then back up. The time with yourself and unbothered by LO or DH or what they are or are not doing would be invaluable. I think unmet expectations kill a marriage. So let them go...
Easier said than done, I know. :ymhug:

He watches Fox News? /:)

AMA210
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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by AMA210 » Thu Feb 08, 2018 6:34 pm

Yes, Fox News.

Well, I let go of all expectations from LO, as in not expecting a response from him and not expecting him to show up at my door with a dozen roses. I had no other choice but to let it all go. Aside from tying him down and tickling him until he tells me how he feels, with no vagueness, I surrendered.

So, perhaps it would be a good idea to let go of my expectations on DH also. Like I don't expect him to share his feelings or turn off the tv when I ask him to or pay attention when I am talking. The list will be much longer than LO.

@WonkyBrain -- wanna take a stab at his psyche? Lately, he keeps saying he isn't cute enough or he is too technical, etc. All of his one-liners and jokes are from tv shows. :-s

Unfortunately, LO is the creative, artistic, imaginative type and I am also. DH is the black and white thinker, technical, very logical (aka Mr. Spock).
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

WonkyBrainThe2nd
Posts: 272
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:32 pm

Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by WonkyBrainThe2nd » Thu Feb 08, 2018 7:54 pm

@WonkyBrain -- wanna take a stab at his psyche? Lately, he keeps saying he isn't cute enough or he is too technical, etc. All of his one-liners and jokes are from tv shows. :-s

Unfortunately, LO is the creative, artistic, imaginative type and I am also. DH is the black and white thinker, technical, very logical (aka Mr. Spock).


It's funny, I see quite a few people on here saying they'd like a more creative type and I think "Wow, really?". I've spent my life surrounded by creative types and a large portion of us got that way because we were unable to express our emotions effectively. Lots of seeking approval through creative work too. We make for nightmare partners. I've never looked at any of my creative friends and thought ooh I'd like to date you. Give me a man who can put up a shelf any day. :D I don't want someone who's going to read me poetry while I put up my own shelf.

It depends where your DH's fascinations lie, tv-wise. You'd have to be asking him questions about what aspect of them he likes. For example, I know someone into all the crime stuff like CSI, and they have no ability to put real life "clues" together to see the "bigger picture", so they're drawn to those shows because that's the part of themselves they need to address. But it's different per person - you have to dig a bit. You can tell a lot about someone from the people they love or hate on tv, because it's probably a projection. Even someone's favourite movie or song can tell you a lot.

No one is boring. Sure, people can get stuck in ruts and get repetitive, but if you're finding them boring you aren't approaching them right. It's all about the right questions and bringing out the best in them. You don't have to ask someone "How are you feeling" to get an insight into what's under the surface. You just have to get creative with bringing the interesting stuff out. If you want more emotional connectedness with your DH maybe you have to approach him differently. Imagine his TV is his version of your LO and try understand what it's giving him.

However, the joke-quoting from shows is lame. :D

WonkyBrainThe2nd
Posts: 272
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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by WonkyBrainThe2nd » Thu Feb 08, 2018 8:14 pm

And if your DH has expressed concerns that he's too technical, maybe he never had any nurturing of his creative side. Maybe there's actually one in there - he's just closed it off.

CrushedSO
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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by CrushedSO » Fri Feb 09, 2018 12:47 am

Hey AMA, my wife and I have noticed while our connection is way better than it’s ever been, it’s not obsessive or euphoric like limerence (which is a good thing!)

It also ebbs and flows and to be honest we have a lot of difficult times. Like multiple times per week. One of the things I’ve learned is to let go of all expectations. I can do it about 50% of the time and when I do it helps.

We also ask each other how the other is feeling. If it’s good, bad, ugly or anything in between it comes out. It makes for some difficult conversations and some hurt feelings, but on the bright side it’s anything but boring.

AMA210
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Location: Midwest
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Re: Establishing Emotional Connection after LE

Post by AMA210 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 1:31 am

@CrushedLO: Thank you for sharing that. I never thought to do that until it was mentioned here. I've done it with LO and so now will do it with DH also. For example, if I expect a sharing of emotions daily from DH, I will be disappointed daily and by the end of the week, I will be frustrated as hell.

So, I remove my expectations of him shaving more than once a month, showering, brushing teeth, and washing his hair. Also, sharing feelings and showing any vulnerability, paying attention to me when I talk to him, and releasing him of any expectation that he will suddenly wake up and want to change.

Also, I will not take responsibility for him as he puts himself down daily, referring to himself as "ugly and fat" and "the only reason you married me is because you felt sorry for me." That is his shit to own and I refuse to try and convince him that he is good enough. It's not my job to make him feel better about himself.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

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