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Wife In Limerent Affair With Coworker

Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 2:03 pm
by mr_orange
This my first post on the forum. It is awesome to have a resource like this online!

My wife is in a limerent affair with someone from work and says she is trying to withdraw after about 8.5 months. She filed for divorce in July of last year and has been literally a different person since d-day (April 21st, 2017). She does many of the classical cheater things like gaslight, blame-shift, manipulate, project her issues, etc.

We have three small children (5,5,8) who are being impacted. Of late my wife has clearly seen a fading of the chemicals firing, but the fog is slowly receding. It is utterly painful for me. Some days I feel like we're reconciling and others it feels like she is destined to finalize the divorce. Right now we've been seeing each other periodically. She lives in a rental about a mile from me.

Any overall commentary would be helpful, but I am looking to learn more about what she is experiencing. If I treat her like an addict and say she is sick it really pisses her off because she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. She also has a very close family and they're listening to her lies about the marriage rewriting and are supporting her terrible decisions.

Re: Wife In Limerent Affair With Coworker

Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 2:40 pm
by David
Welcome Mr Orange

I get sad when i read posts from those that have been and are still being betrayed, even more so when things have progressed to a full blown PA.

I wrote an article a while back about recovering from limernet affiars for both the betrayed and betrayer.

We also had a contributor for a while, skex, who was in a similar position to you, some of his posts may be of use. Im not sure if hes still around, he may chip in?

You'll receive a warm reception here as most if not all the members realise limerence is unhealthy and a siren call for our own deeper change. We know there is no magical other and the isuses and healing lies within each of us. Sadly whilst in the fog, most believe they are the one exception to the rule. There are no exceptions in my experience. And all affairs start in childhood and often the generations before.

Re: Wife In Limerent Affair With Coworker

Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 2:42 pm
by David
Welcome Mr Orange

I get sad when i read posts from those that have been and are still being betrayed, even more so when things have progressed to a full blown PA.

I wrote an article a while back about recovering from limernet affiars for both the betrayed and betrayer.

We also had a contributor for a while, skex, who was in a similar position to you, some of his posts may be of use. Im not sure if hes still around, he may chip in?

You'll receive a warm reception here as most if not all the members realise limerence is unhealthy and a siren call for our own deeper change. We know there is no magical other and the isuses and healing lies within each of us. Sadly whilst in the fog, most believe they are the one exception to the rule. There are no exceptions in my experience. And all affairs start in childhood and often the generations before.

Re: Wife In Limerent Affair With Coworker

Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 2:50 pm
by AMA210
Hello and welcome to this forum. You will find support and info here.

My heart goes out to you in your current situation because I, too, was in that "fog" for 21 months, absolutely convinced that LO was my knight in shining armor, who could rescue me from my terrible life. This "fog" invades every aspect of one's life. I nearly threw away 26 years of marriage. What saved me was posting here, counseling (addictions), and a DH who was willing to put up with a lot of BS and help me through. I invite you to read some of my posts.

May I ask if it's reciprocated and if the co-worker is limerent also? Thank you.

It's a very hard spot to be in because we have blinders on. We only see LO and not what is going on around us or how this is affecting others and how selfish we are being, and then we disregard all of LO's flaws--they can do no wrong. But, the entire experience is really about the individual and about what is going on in the marriage.

Keep posting here and peace to you.

Re: Wife In Limerent Affair With Coworker

Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 2:56 pm
by Endgame
mr_orange I was in your wife's position, although obviously I can't know her personal circumstances or the background story to your own relationship.

Like you, we have small children. And I came very close to divorce, even after my LE (which briefly turned physical) ended.

I'm purely commenting with some - sort of- light at the end of the tunnel, that as things stand I am willingly staying in my marriage. Obviously my husband wants that too, it isn't just my choice to make. But that wasn't a quick recovery...im almost 3 years post LE and it has been an incredibly slow process of withdrawal, dissatisfaction, marriage counselling, questioning what I really wanted, acknowledging my propensity to serial limerence.

If I can be of any help, please feel free to PM. I'm not on here so much anymore, but still often enough.

Re: Wife In Limerent Affair With Coworker

Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 3:33 pm
by mr_orange
The co-worker thinks he loves her too, which he may.

This morning we talked and after almost 9 months of beatings we're going to follow through with the divorce. I only had until February 1st to save things anyway and have been doing all I can do save it for that period of time.

Does anyone on the forum have experience with remarrying? It's hard for me to imagine getting back together with my wife after all that has happened now, but life is kind of crazy.

Re: Wife In Limerent Affair With Coworker

Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 4:37 pm
by L-F
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Re: Wife In Limerent Affair With Coworker

Posted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 4:45 pm
by CrushedSO
I had a limerent affair with a coworker. In the end I could not leave my wife and kids and I am so glad I didn’t. I used to almost get physically ill at the thought of almost throwing everything away. That was 2013.

Fast forward to fall of this year. My wife had a limerent affair with a guy that turned physical. The shoe was on the other foot now. Karma I guess. It still hurt like hell to hear it. It still hurts. I told her if she wanted to save the marriage she had to go no contact with her LO. No exceptions. She did and we are both in individual counselling and rebuilding our marriage.

If your wife doesn’t want to do any introspection your marriage is toast. Send her links to this forum. Limerence isn’t about some magical person who completes you. It’s an air raid siren that is alerting the limerent person that they’ve got some deep issues that need to be addressed and healed within themselves.

Show your wife this forum. Say “before we finalize this divorce all I ask is that you read this forum for a week”. If she does she might learn.

Re: Wife In Limerent Affair With Coworker

Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2018 12:01 am
by David
CrushedSO wrote:
Sun Jan 14, 2018 4:45 pm
If your wife doesn’t want to do any introspection your marriage is toast.
Sad and true in my experience.

Setting of firm boundaries is so important and yet few have the capacity to do this as thats one of the things that most of us were never taught. The insistence of nc is key, more important is the follow through of intended consequences. All too often i witness boundary violation and no follow through, so the betrayer learns fast they can carry on their disrespectful behaviour with zero consequence.

LF, you are right re feeling the anger, its a mix of both sadness and anger for me becuase like you I chose to stay. I did and still do a lot of hard work work to make my marriage better. And 8 years later, that work in making my marriage as conscious as possible still continues. Our “have it all” culture doesnt help, its utter bullshit we are fed. Wake up people, take the red pill FFS.

And i am aware i have a lot of anger ATM and despite all my work, it can still be easy at times to project that onto SO. :-ss

Have also moved topic to “help my SO is impacted”