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Messed up Marriage

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
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AMA210
Posts: 1931
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by AMA210 » Sat Feb 03, 2018 8:08 pm

Endgame wrote:
Sat Feb 03, 2018 5:24 pm
out of interest AMA- and I think I've asked you this before...

If you absolutely HAD to find 5 good points about your DH. including the reasons why you chose to marry him in the first place, what were they? I'm assuming it wasn't an arranged marriage and you had some free choice in it so, at some point, there was something of some sort in his favour?
OK.
1. I loved him.
2. He has a BS in engineering, so I knew he would make decent money
3. Very physically attractive
4. Easy going, down to earth
5. Trustworthy
6. Generous
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

Endgame
Posts: 248
Joined: Fri Mar 06, 2015 11:09 am

Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by Endgame » Sun Feb 04, 2018 6:36 pm

All pretty decent characteristics (sound like much the same as those I'd list for my DH. He also has a fun sense of humour).

Would you say any of those have changed dramatically (other than the first, obviously). Or do they still apply?

And if you had to list the 5 things you'd ideally WANT him to be showing that he isn't, what would they be? Are those things more or less important than the ones you've just listed? How likely is it to find someone with both sets?

Of course if to my first question you answered that he's dramatically changed any of the reasons you initially loved him...thats something he really needs to take responsibility for if he cares about you staying with him, as it would mean you're now essentially married to a different person than the one you chose.

AMA210
Posts: 1931
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by AMA210 » Sun Feb 04, 2018 7:46 pm

Endgame wrote:
Sun Feb 04, 2018 6:36 pm
All pretty decent characteristics (sound like much the same as those I'd list for my DH. He also has a fun sense of humour).
He does have humor too, but in the past several years, it's more of the gross and disgusting variety.

Would you say any of those have changed dramatically (other than the first, obviously). Or do they still apply?
The physically attractive has changed a lot. Snow on the roof, very large gut, skin is not smooth anymore, due to sun damage, very bumpy, etc. and he is still generous, but it's more of a whiny tone, like he has to spend money on me. If I say, thanks for dinner, he says, no thank you for letting me buy you dinner. Makes no sense. He makes a big deal from me shopping and charging, which is never in excess, but going to casino or buying fishing crap is ok.

And if you had to list the 5 things you'd ideally WANT him to be showing that he isn't, what would they be? Are those things more or less important than the ones you've just listed? How likely is it to find someone with both sets?
Sharing thoughts more, not feelings, but I think this, etc. Too much surface stuff, politics, etc.
Being interested in what I am experiencing, learning, etc.
Willing to try new things, physically, sexting, etc.
Being playful with words, acting like a kid. This is a big need I have with guys--LO had it.
Being spontaneous, get up and go, no plans.
I think it's nearly impossible to find someone with all of these traits, unless that person is soul mate quality.


Of course if to my first question you answered that he's dramatically changed any of the reasons you initially loved him...thats something he really needs to take responsibility for if he cares about you staying with him, as it would mean you're now essentially married to a different person than the one you chose.
My two love relationships were Leo's. First LO and DH have the same damn birthday. :-o
I have not been in love with or had a relationship with any other sign and I am a Leo myself.
LO is Pisces, very opposite of me in many ways, hence some of the attraction. He is passive. I am passionate.

Appreciate your responses and questions.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

L-F
Posts: 2524
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by L-F » Mon Feb 05, 2018 4:38 am

Check this out and see if it is close...
www.thesecretlanguageofrelationships.com/lookup/

You put in both birth dates and it gives you a reading of what the relationship would look like. Haha I tried it with LO and our relationship would be disastrous.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

AMA210
Posts: 1931
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by AMA210 » Sun Feb 11, 2018 2:40 pm

I am going back to the beginning. Maybe writing this out will give some clues. Maybe not.

Met at 19, while still addicted to LO1, 5 months later, this LO and I "hooked up" at the Holiday Inn. Didn't see him again.
Dated SO for 6 years, broke up twice in that time.
From the beginning, relationship was physical. I remember SO calling every day and not saying much.
Married at 25, bought a duplex, first year was very hard, I went to counseling. SO came from mom to married.
Annual vacations to Vegas, for anniversary.

Age 30, started trying to have a child and my mom died from pancreatic cancer. The day before, she told me "have faith, you will get your daughter." This carried me through the next 9 years of trying. My dad died when I was 33.

We tried everything. I took tons of fertility meds. We did IVF twice. Decided on adoption. Applied and waited 3 years.
In that 3 years, I didn't cry for an entire year, struggled with depression and.anxiety around kids and babies. SO told me it was all in my head until I got help and meds. Eventually, I came back "online", stronger.
During this 9 year period, our relationship took a backseat to treatments and getting pregnant. Sex became a job. No one knew about this struggle, so dealing with constant questions from family about "when are you gonna have a kid" added to the pain.

We adopted a baby girl at age 39, when she was 2 days old. If I had given up at any point in the journey, it wouldn't have happened. I decided that if I wasn't a mom by age 40, I would go back to school for a BA.

SO and I worked together and he helped out a lot. All of our attention was devoted to her and not on our relationship.
During all of this time, from age 19-50, SO had to help his dad with projects and pouring cement. Resentment had built for 31 years. SO would shave his face for his dad because otherwise, he would say you look like a homeless person. Dad never knew about the muscle car purchase because he wouldn't approve, and on and on it went.

The past five years was the gradual unraveling -- sleeping separately, interests/hobbies different, physical changes/getting older affecting attraction, SO laid off after 25 years/depression/gambling, SO got a job in Chicago for a year, so 12 hour days.

I think at some point, it would have broke. LE started two years ago in March. I lost the diamond from my wedding ring in early March. It had been through 25 years of dishes, water, cooking, baking, clinking, and then it was lost, two weeks before I met LO. SO found it right before our 25th anniversary, which was overshadowed by his dad's death on April 30th. I spent $400 to get it fixed and then It came apart again in Sept. Hasn't been found.

LO was first relationship I had that began with talking and relating first. No physical. Even now, I find it strange to have had such intense feelings for LO, without any physical intimacy.

Over all of these years, I can see the holes in the relationship. They got bigger over time and new ones started. Sometimes, the past might hold clues for the future.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

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