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Messed up Marriage

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
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David
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Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by David » Sat Jan 27, 2018 7:55 am

L-F wrote:
Fri Jan 26, 2018 5:07 pm

If he holds you back, set him free. He deserves to be with a partner who loves him for who he is. And it is my guess he won't hide behind the tv when he finds someone like that. It is also my guess that he will put her first before his parents. Not out of spite to you, simply out of being loved unconditionally. You'll see him laugh and enjoy life with a new person. You'll see many happy memories being made with his family and her family. You'll see a whole new man open up in front of your eyes when he feels loved and is able to love back.
Give it a few years and AMA's SO will likely be back to square one. Most of us stop working at our relationships when we get married / settle down. Once the honeymoon neurochemical cocktails have dissipated we stop tending the garden. The weeds grow and the rot sets in. How many of us continue to woo our partners like we did when we were dating? How hard are we working at the erotic side of the relationship? Having deep honest conversations, however difficult or potentially upsetting to our partners? Seems like its part of the human condition, getting lazy and being dishonest with our feelings. . Working at a relationship takes both sides and it also takes emotional growing up.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Relationship Coaching help see www.loverelations.co.uk
For Individual Coaching and Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

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Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by AMA210 » Sat Jan 27, 2018 2:25 pm

@David: Thank you sharing your wisdom and experience here. It's good to know that SO falls in with the majority of males that you counsel. I was surprised to read that your LO encouraged saving the marriage. Might have made a world of difference if mine uttered those words. I will add the books you suggested to my reading list. Since my SO hates reading, I think reading to him and then discussing would work better.

Last night we had a long discussion and SO senses that I have been pulling away recently. He was uncomfortable with sharing his feelings. He asked what he can do to make me happy. Be more romantic? Be more spontaneous? I told him this isn't about him doing things for me, but about both of us redefining the relationship. He readily blames himself for my straying.

I think over many years, having honest conversations diminished to nothing because his loyalty to his parents overshadowed everything else. I think we need to go back to the beginning, as two individuals,coming together, with our baggage, and how through the years, our bags got heavier.

This thread has given me a lot to think about.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

CrushedSO
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Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by CrushedSO » Sat Jan 27, 2018 2:51 pm

AMA210 wrote:
Sat Jan 27, 2018 2:25 pm
@David: Thank you sharing your wisdom and experience here. It's good to know that SO falls in with the majority of males that you counsel. I was surprised to read that your LO encouraged saving the marriage. Might have made a world of difference if mine uttered those words. I will add the books you suggested to my reading list. Since my SO hates reading, I think reading to him and then discussing would work better.

Last night we had a long discussion and SO senses that I have been pulling away recently. He was uncomfortable with sharing his feelings. He asked what he can do to make me happy. Be more romantic? Be more spontaneous? I told him this isn't about him doing things for me, but about both of us redefining the relationship. He readily blames himself for my straying.

I think over many years, having honest conversations diminished to nothing because his loyalty to his parents overshadowed everything else. I think we need to go back to the beginning, as two individuals,coming together, with our baggage, and how through the years, our bags got heavier.

This thread has given me a lot to think about.
That’s great AMA! For many years my wife and I drifted apart. Then I had a full blown LE with a coworker. Looking back it was a terrible experience. When I made the decision to end that I wanted to put more into my marriage. I was completely clueless though so in hindsight it was a half-hearted attempt.

Then in October of 2017 my wife had a full blown LE too. We each had a massive wake up call. Anyways I remember thinking how interesting LO was. How complex she was, how bright and dark etc. I also remember thinking how plain and “boring” (not boring, more like steady and level-headed) my wife was.

Anyways after her affair we both realized we were in big trouble. We both ultimately chose each other, and for me at least it was the realization that there was no way I could have my LO and keep my family etc.

Since October we have been talking non-stop. Honest, deep conversations. We barely watch TV or do any social media anymore. I have learned a LOT about my wife and she is a very deep, complex, insightful and flawed person. All that steadiness or plainness we both exhibited in our dead marriage was just our distance. I absolutely love that I am getting to know the real her. And I can honestly say I don’t judge a single thing about her except for the actions she took while limerent. I don’t even judge her for being limerent.

I never thought I could get so close to her and I am thankful I’ve gotten to know her as she is. I used to love doing man things, riding motorcycles etc to get away from her, or the deadness of our dynamic (captain avoidant), now I look forward to coming home and talking with her and laying on the couch together. Not that everything is perfect, at least now we are putting the work into ourselves and each other.

If we continue down this path of healing ourselves and our marriage I don’t think I will ever need an LO again. The first step is open and honest discussion without judgment from both of you- that means you too. No more “WOW” when he says something you don’t like. If you want improvement, no more feigning indignation when your SO shares some truth. After all, you’re both individuals and no matter how much you want to, you can’t change each other’s feelings. You have to discuss them and accept them. As you discuss them you may realize that many of the feelings are driven by deeper things. Things neither of you may not even want to acknowledge.

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David
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Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by David » Sat Jan 27, 2018 3:03 pm

AMA210 wrote:
Sat Jan 27, 2018 2:25 pm
Since my SO hates reading, I think reading to him and then discussing would work better.
Most of our clients dont read, at least the books we suggest. The women seem to read more than the men. It's just another excuse for not growing up and taking responsibility. One more defence from exploring their own psyches and feeling their emotions. Is it fear? Laziness? Not enough discomfort? Perhaps its not going to be in this life that they wake up? Or just not now? Who knows.

I am curious as to what the confluence of events that is required for that individual to be shocked out of their somnolent state. For me it was limerence. It shattered my concretised beliefs and made me appreciate that not everything was as I thought it was. Actually it made me realise I didn't know a much about much at all. :(( :(( :((
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Relationship Coaching help see www.loverelations.co.uk
For Individual Coaching and Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

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Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by LisaTranscending » Sat Jan 27, 2018 4:38 pm

interesting to note David that.....
David wrote:
Sat Jan 27, 2018 7:40 am
. In my experience the avoidant needs a lot more leverage to wake up and smell the coffee as opposed to the anxious one.
since the "avoidant" is also closed off to emotions more than the anxious (or at least able to deny/compartmentalize them enough to not feel them as acutely), the one who feels these emotions intently and frequently (anxious)....is much more motivated for relief of these painful emotions and in a much more compelling and even "anxious " mode... either acting out for remedy, which leads to calamity....or to seeking in earnest relief from said calamity that is the result of all the anxious feeling to begin with.

in that regard, the anxious are probably always closer to spiritual awakening/seeking (whether it be spiritual or psychological help) and open to it more so than an avoidant, since the avoidant unless shaken to the core emotionally by an anxious person....drudges on.

these couple matches of avoidant/anxious are no mistake it seems in the scheme of the universe's pull towards the spiritual awakening of mankind. you can't wake up when the system is "seemingly" copacetic but actually functioning in drudge mode....the anxious person has to burn everything to the ground and start over in whatever form that takes. then the "avoidant" at least can't avoid the total breakdown of the anxious and either comes along for the spiritual ride....or finds an anxious that is always just on the brink of such a breakdown...but manages to hold it together..continuing in the drudge mode dance.

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David
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Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by David » Sat Jan 27, 2018 4:50 pm

LisaTranscending wrote:
Sat Jan 27, 2018 4:38 pm
interesting to note David that.....
David wrote:
Sat Jan 27, 2018 7:40 am
. In my experience the avoidant needs a lot more leverage to wake up and smell the coffee as opposed to the anxious one.
in that regard, the anxious are probably always closer to spiritual awakening/seeking (whether it be spiritual or psychological help) and open to it more so than an avoidant, since the avoidant unless shaken to the core emotionally by an anxious person....drudges on.
I agree although i have seen a number of avoidents doing the spiritual bypass thingy - SO including in her younger days.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Relationship Coaching help see www.loverelations.co.uk
For Individual Coaching and Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

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Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by L-F » Sat Jan 27, 2018 7:49 pm

David wrote:
Sat Jan 27, 2018 7:55 am

Give it a few years and AMA's SO will likely be back to square one. Most of us stop working at our relationships when we get married / settle down. Once the honeymoon neurochemical cocktails have dissipated we stop tending the garden. The weeds grow and the rot sets in. How many of us continue to woo our partners like we did when we were dating? How hard are we working at the erotic side of the relationship? Having deep honest conversations, however difficult or potentially upsetting to our partners? Seems like its part of the human condition, getting lazy and being dishonest with our feelings. . Working at a relationship takes both sides and it also takes emotional growing up.
With a new woman EVERYTHING is exciting =))
That's why people chase LOs
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by L-F » Sat Jan 27, 2018 8:19 pm

.
Last edited by L-F on Tue Oct 22, 2019 10:11 am, edited 2 times in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by L-F » Sat Jan 27, 2018 8:34 pm

.
Last edited by L-F on Tue Oct 22, 2019 10:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by L-F » Sat Jan 27, 2018 8:42 pm

AMA :ymhug:
I'm rooting for you.
Whether you decide to stay together or not will be a joint decision and it's great to read he is willing to do some heavy lifting.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

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