Information: Please take a moment and visit your profile to choose a flag.

Messed up Marriage

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
Post Reply
L-F
Posts: 2511
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by L-F » Fri Jan 26, 2018 7:13 am

.
Last edited by L-F on Tue Oct 22, 2019 10:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

CrushedSO
Posts: 346
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:54 pm
Gender:
Isle of Man

Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by CrushedSO » Fri Jan 26, 2018 1:02 pm

AMA210 wrote:
Tue Jan 23, 2018 4:24 pm
Now that LO is not distracting me from my marriage, DH is having a hard time understanding what is happening to me. I am more honest, more transparent, more authentic in having actual conversations with him and he doesn't like it. Today I asked him why he wants to hear about other people's issues in group and his reply was so that I know that their life sucks more than mine. WOW. Before he left, he said do you love me and I said yes and then he said, "you are just saying that to make me feel better." That is an issue right there. He doesn't believe me.

I told him there are three options here. Accept this "evolution of my soul", don't judge it, go with the flow of it OR hop on the train and try to incorporate some of that OR remain stagnant.

I don't know how this will turn out. I imagine that separation or divorce comes into the equation if one chooses to remain stagnant. It's almost like, along with my own heart and soul that was shattered, the old marriage has been also, and must be built again.

Unfortunately, I am at the stage that LO was at when we met -- the I don't need to wear a wedding ring stage.

This is scary shit.
Why would he believe you? What have you done to love him? Love is an act and a choice. Start acting like you love him and choose to love him.

Telling him all the stuff you’ve learned and how you’re improving yourself is great for you but it’s not going to do anything for your marriage until you start showing love to him. After all you have betrayed him. Own it. Fix yourself AND put in the work in your marriage. Don’t expect your marriage to change just because you’re aware of what LE is and what LO was etc.

There is a part in the book “The drama of the gifted child” where the author talks about how when we were young our feelings were often invalidated by our parents/other adults by comparing our situation(s) to someone else who had it much worse. A simple example: “you don’t like peas and carrots? Stop crying, there are kids in Africa that have nothing to eat”.

Sounds like DH had that as a youngster and is using it to feel better about his shitty life by wanting to hear about other people’s even shittier lives. A shitty life that you have a huge hand in. Don’t say “WOW”. Do something about it. Love him. Or don’t. L_F is right. Have you acknowledged what you have done to him instead of saying wow?

Do you have any idea how it must feel for him to hear that his wife is/was completely nuts about another guy, to the point the police were involved? And then to hear that she has learned a lot and is improving herself but not showing love to him and judging him when he does give some kernels of truth?

I’m not saying he is innocent in your crappy marriage at all AMA, but it doesn’t sound like you’re making it easy for him.

User avatar
LisaTranscending
Posts: 895
Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2015 12:48 pm

Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by LisaTranscending » Fri Jan 26, 2018 2:01 pm

:ymhug: AMA.
AMA210 wrote:
Tue Jan 23, 2018 6:37 pm
Today I asked him why he wants to hear about other people's issues in group and his reply was so that I know that their life sucks more than mine. WOW. Before he left
This is an unkind thing to say to you.

once feelings get this raw...it's hard to be kind to one another, and it's hard to feel the love that may still be there. (it is still there, just buried under hurt feelings)

how do I know it's there? imagine you and your beloved 300 years from now. just picture yourself and him 300 years from now.

but today you still have a chance to forgive him and to love him (YOU!)....it doesn't have to come from him. because when we love ourselves strongly enough we can be strong enough to...
well, you could....
take him by the hand....look in his eyes...tell him, "I love you, Darling. Let's find a way to stop each other's suffering. I have hurt you in the past and I'm sorry. How can we find a way to take care of each other now? Please help me to understand how."

When you are strong enough to do that....(I'm not so I can only preach and not practice)......but since you are living in the same house together...you can start...just start the work of going beyond what you want from him or what you expect from him and just tell him you love him and are willing to work with him.

never abandon yourself, however. keep true to yourself. keep working on what wants and needs your love on the inside.
if you offer to be a better person for both of you....(by showing you are willing to forgive and want better communication) maybe something sweet and new can grow from it.

It's not easy when you feel abandoned and hurt and are suffering yourself. so...take care of your heart first and when you feel strong you can do those things. but until then...don't engage him unless you are ready to do those things. otherwise it will come out bitter and upset.

try to keep your heart open even when everything feels so wrong and DH is acting out his unhappiness too. not easy.

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by AMA210 » Fri Jan 26, 2018 3:11 pm

Thank you for the posts. They have caused me to think about this even more and to figure some things out. First, if I was secure in my marriage, I would have backed off from LO right away, realizing that a third person could come between us and that friendship with a married man is not possible. I did not because the issues were there already and the attention and listening without distraction was paramount. With LO, I met him shortly after he went through his daughter's broken leg and I think that all of the attention was diverted to her, leaving him in a similar position. We were two people lacking the same thing and found it in each other.

For 30 years, I took second place to DH's parents. At our wedding, his dad forbid him from inviting grandma and If DH would have, his dad would have disowned him. She wasn't invited. From the time we began dating, at age 20, until age 50, DH was expected to help his dad with everything, every project. His dad's favorite project was pouring cement--framing, making and mixing by hand. All of the grass areas at the rental properties they owned were replaced with cement. It was his dad's obsession. Many weekends were spent doing this, and for 10-12 hours a day. Any plans I had made didn't matter because DH had to "obey his parent". His mom helped also, but in order for some of the burden to be lessened, DH had too much guilt to say no.

I put up with this, continuing to believe that I just wasn't good enough for him to stay home with me. The wound of abandonment that began at age 5 continued to fester during all of those years. I didn't realize it. His dad controlled every aspect of his life and his mom's. If either dared to disagree with him or refuse to help, they got the silent treatment. I was told to never disagree with him and not piss him off.

I believe this is at the heart of LE. I have so much resentment towards DH. It's interesting to note that I met LO in the midst of his dad's illness. I think this is why I have no guilt or shame about this towards DH. I was acting out the resentment. Every time I saw LO, talked to him, got in trouble, drove by, was another act of defiance. DH told me not to drive by and I never listened, just like I told DH to say no to his dad, he never listened. I think this is why I am unconscious about the pain that DH has from this.

Right now, I am not in a position to tell DH that I love him and mean it. I do not and I have not for the time with LO, nearly 2 years now. I am moving In quite the opposite way lately and although this makes me very sad, it is what it is.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

CrushedSO
Posts: 346
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:54 pm
Gender:
Isle of Man

Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by CrushedSO » Fri Jan 26, 2018 4:50 pm

I don’t think you’re in a position to love in a healthy way. That’s ok neither am I but I’m learning.

All the stuff you mentioned in the last post about DH and his FOO, have you told him? If not, why? What is your attachment style? Could you be secure in your marriage if you have an insecure attachment style? The fact you went batshit insane limerent (like me) tells me you can’t.

Let’s say your marriage is the colour red. You’re trying to analyze your marriage and love for DH (red) but your issues (attachment issues, traumas etc) have put a green filter over your eyes. How could you possibly see red clearly?

I am avoidant. My wife is anxious attachment. In the last few weeks we’ve both realized a good behaviour for us is to do the exact opposite of what we feel I should do. When I feel like pulling away, I consciously try to get closer. It has worked wonders.

Also you are justifying your LE because of resentment and playing the victim. Someone had to say it.

L-F
Posts: 2511
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by L-F » Fri Jan 26, 2018 5:07 pm

.
Last edited by L-F on Tue Oct 22, 2019 10:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

L-F
Posts: 2511
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by L-F » Fri Jan 26, 2018 5:18 pm

CrushedSO wrote:
Fri Jan 26, 2018 1:02 pm
There is a part in the book “The drama of the gifted child” where the author talks about how when we were young our feelings were often invalidated by our parents/other adults by comparing our situation(s) to someone else who had it much worse. A simple example: “you don’t like peas and carrots? Stop crying, there are kids in Africa that have nothing to eat”.
Thanks for sharing that. Sounds identical to my upbringing. Thankfully I haven't used those lines on my kids for eons. Having been a weightloss consultant I soon learnt to write a reply... "if there are starving children in Africa perhaps we should ship my peas and corn over to them?" Or... "how is me eating extra food going to help them?"

Got to love how parents are amazing at destroying their
kids self-esteem. Makes a kid not trust in their own abilityto regulate food (to know when they are full).
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

CrushedSO
Posts: 346
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:54 pm
Gender:
Isle of Man

Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by CrushedSO » Fri Jan 26, 2018 6:58 pm

L-F wrote:
Fri Jan 26, 2018 5:18 pm
CrushedSO wrote:
Fri Jan 26, 2018 1:02 pm
There is a part in the book “The drama of the gifted child” where the author talks about how when we were young our feelings were often invalidated by our parents/other adults by comparing our situation(s) to someone else who had it much worse. A simple example: “you don’t like peas and carrots? Stop crying, there are kids in Africa that have nothing to eat”.
Thanks for sharing that. Sounds identical to my upbringing. Thankfully I haven't used those lines on my kids for eons. Having been a weightloss consultant I soon learnt to write a reply... "if there are starving children in Africa perhaps we should ship my peas and corn over to them?" Or... "how is me eating extra food going to help them?"

Got to love how parents are amazing at destroying their
kids self-esteem. Makes a kid not trust in their own abilityto regulate food (to know when they are full).
Until recently my wife and I were parenting as we were parented. We too no longer do these destructive things. Hopefully we have broken that cycle in time.

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by AMA210 » Fri Jan 26, 2018 9:52 pm

CrushedSO wrote:
Fri Jan 26, 2018 4:50 pm
I don’t think you’re in a position to love in a healthy way. That’s ok neither am I but I’m learning.
That is correct.

All the stuff you mentioned in the last post about DH and his FOO, have you told him? If not, why? What is your attachment style? Could you be secure in your marriage if you have an insecure attachment style? The fact you went batshit insane limerent (like me) tells me you can’t.
Yes, I told him this. He said he had no choice because the work would fall to his mom and he had to keep the burden off of her. I am anxious attached and DH is avoidant.

Let’s say your marriage is the colour red. You’re trying to analyze your marriage and love for DH (red) but your issues (attachment issues, traumas etc) have put a green filter over your eyes. How could you possibly see red clearly?
Cannot see it clearly.

I am avoidant. My wife is anxious attachment. In the last few weeks we’ve both realized a good behaviour for us is to do the exact opposite of what we feel I should do. When I feel like pulling away, I consciously try to get closer. It has worked wonders.
I can try this.
Also you are justifying your LE because of resentment and playing the victim. Someone had to say it.
Yes, true.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

L-F
Posts: 2511
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Messed up Marriage

Post by L-F » Fri Jan 26, 2018 9:55 pm

.
Last edited by L-F on Tue Oct 22, 2019 10:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
If only we'd sit with the void too... then perhaps we won't need to fill it once we get over the fear of its existence. L-F

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests