I am going back to the beginning. Maybe writing this out will give some clues. Maybe not.
Met at 19, while still addicted to LO1, 5 months later, this LO and I "hooked up" at the Holiday Inn. Didn't see him again.
Dated SO for 6 years, broke up twice in that time.
From the beginning, relationship was physical. I remember SO calling every day and not saying much.
Married at 25, bought a duplex, first year was very hard, I went to counseling. SO came from mom to married.
Annual vacations to Vegas, for anniversary.
Age 30, started trying to have a child and my mom died from pancreatic cancer. The day before, she told me "have faith, you will get your daughter." This carried me through the next 9 years of trying. My dad died when I was 33.
We tried everything. I took tons of fertility meds. We did IVF twice. Decided on adoption. Applied and waited 3 years.
In that 3 years, I didn't cry for an entire year, struggled with depression and.anxiety around kids and babies. SO told me it was all in my head until I got help and meds. Eventually, I came back "online", stronger.
During this 9 year period, our relationship took a backseat to treatments and getting pregnant. Sex became a job. No one knew about this struggle, so dealing with constant questions from family about "when are you gonna have a kid" added to the pain.
We adopted a baby girl at age 39, when she was 2 days old. If I had given up at any point in the journey, it wouldn't have happened. I decided that if I wasn't a mom by age 40, I would go back to school for a BA.
SO and I worked together and he helped out a lot. All of our attention was devoted to her and not on our relationship.
During all of this time, from age 19-50, SO had to help his dad with projects and pouring cement. Resentment had built for 31 years. SO would shave his face for his dad because otherwise, he would say you look like a homeless person. Dad never knew about the muscle car purchase because he wouldn't approve, and on and on it went.
The past five years was the gradual unraveling -- sleeping separately, interests/hobbies different, physical changes/getting older affecting attraction, SO laid off after 25 years/depression/gambling, SO got a job in Chicago for a year, so 12 hour days.
I think at some point, it would have broke. LE started two years ago in March. I lost the diamond from my wedding ring in early March. It had been through 25 years of dishes, water, cooking, baking, clinking, and then it was lost, two weeks before I met LO. SO found it right before our 25th anniversary, which was overshadowed by his dad's death on April 30th. I spent $400 to get it fixed and then It came apart again in Sept. Hasn't been found.
LO was first relationship I had that began with talking and relating first. No physical. Even now, I find it strange to have had such intense feelings for LO, without any physical intimacy.
Over all of these years, I can see the holes in the relationship. They got bigger over time and new ones started. Sometimes, the past might hold clues for the future.