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It's time

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
townshend
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Re: It's time

Post by townshend » Sun Sep 03, 2017 2:44 am

agreed with JD and AMA. i really shouldn't offer my opinion or any advice on the marriage part but generally and to the impact on the kids..my parents divorced when i was like 4 so it always felt like the normal thing, i never understood why my peers were so worried when their parents had trouble but I can see now how a 17 year old, used to that dynamic would be shaken up by the transition. conversely, my mom/step dad should be divorced and i witness that affect on my little brother. you obviously care about your kids and you're doing what's right for you and, in turn, it seems that's whats right for them as well because they'll see that. just from my own experience if you do what's best for your own well being/happiness, better than keeping up an obviously unhappy situation that you've said has had a bad impact on them too, and you continue to show that you're there for them and the situation was just between you and your wife and not because of them they will be fine.

generally, it's best to have your parents at their best and if they're unhappily married, that's going to show and it's going to have just as negative affect on them as it is on the parent's behavior.. if the parents can be the best version of themselves away from each other, than that's what they have to be. personally, i could see that and given the choice, i'd rather have my two good parents separately than to have two unhappy ones under the same roof every. time.
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman

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David
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Re: It's time

Post by David » Sun Sep 03, 2017 6:40 am

I feel for you Marko. Sounds a shitty situation. Some radical honesty with your SO may wake her up. I agree with others that staying together for the kid's sake is not the best way forward. And fuck how others may judge you. Many are likely harbouring similar feelings and lack the courage to do something about it. Nothing like finding your balls and letting go of nice guy behaviour.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

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marko
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Re: It's time

Post by marko » Tue Sep 05, 2017 2:58 pm

Thanks all, we had another major discussion. I think it went well. We both owned our roles in this. She admitted early on being resentful to me and stated she doesn't like anyone in the house. Given her lousy job with bad hours and seeing me bond so well with the kids it just fueled it. It's also always caused me stress, as had I been even remotely successful, she wouldn't have needed to take that job. Also being so poor made things tough and doing things together very hard. But once that resentment was set, it spiraled. Her passive aggressive and my guilt and depression and I suppose tit for tat thrown in, and we withdrew into just getting by. I like we didn't specify the multitude of events that tainted, just owned how it effected the whole. I knew for me it was always on my shoulders that my inadequate feelings had me shameful in her presence. That's just big stuff, and I could go on why not fix or address, but now we deal with the damage. Dealing poorly with negative life experiences, not to excuse, but what we did.

I see no salvage, but we all need some help to sort through this--how does that work--individually or family together? For my wife the shock of what now--even me sets in. I so bad want to be the good guy, I have to guard against a rosey outcome, even trying to ignore so it goes away. The bad mental games. The fight to regret starting all this even sets in. It was easier to ignore the yuck as opposed to this full on awefullness. The current mire just has be gone through, and we need to continue to its conclusion.

There are still areas of LE influence in this. I'm glad to form no illusions she is a solution. If I picture a future relationship, her personality is closer to what I need, but I see my depressed withdrawal as a feature not on anyone's relationship shopping list. That short LE thing I can't seem to shake is now haunting me. Even with men I can't build relationships. Hopefuly through this I can get a grip on things before it gets out of hand. It certainly does nothing for my self esteem etc, that helped lead me here. So the thought of her pops in, but I view her more as just another person I'd let down.

marko
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Re: It's time

Post by marko » Fri Sep 08, 2017 2:54 pm

Today I'm angry at her role in this. I beat myself up quite a bit try to alleviate and make her look better. My letting it go is on me, but when she pulled a way in an effort to punish over her jealousy over the kids, really sent me on my spiral. I can't control what she decided was a good way to get back. The neglect of the kids and me is now coming out. I blamed myself for that, but that destruction is done as well. Today's anger come from despite offering some therapy she ignores it. As usual she hides from it all and just assumes it will get better.

marko
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Re: It's time

Post by marko » Mon Sep 18, 2017 5:15 pm

My resentment still comes to the top. Guess I've buried it for so long. So cleans the house, has a few pleasant days and somehow thinks all is well. I snapped at her and can't bear to engage with her right now. The animosity made worse by her new effort. I'm pissed what she did, and I'm pissed I can't stop going full on anger if she is in the same room. I don't want to try right now. I see her ways--I'll play nice a couple of days, but my husband is so horrible that if I instantly don't see results, I'll quit. She's now invaded my space, hovers with that glum never say a word, sighs here and there, makes it obvious I need to start a conversation. Says "at least I'm trying". In my mind I'm like "what the fuck, you just admitted to trying to kill my life, clean the house, say hi a couple of times and you think I'm failing because im still speachless. Just that pisses me off more than anything. How about, googling "I abandoned my family emotionally and now they won't play my new game, now my husband is a quiet asshole again, should I get pissed nad quit or try for two more minutes.

Sorry for that dump if you made it that far, does stuff like that come out in couples counseling? I'm sorry but I can't or won't get past this. Not now anyway.

marko
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Re: It's time

Post by marko » Tue Sep 26, 2017 3:22 pm

Had another big talk. I let out my resentments and it helped. I'm thinking like me, the thought of what's next, how does life work on our own, are the biggest concerns. Not once does either say anything in regards to how will I live without the other. I'm still sad for my kids. We talked about a family counselor to help establish a good base so we can move a head. I think they are like me, stuck in the animosity mud that needs to be dealt with. I'm surprised how perceptions can warp concrete thinking.

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FreeBird
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Re: It's time

Post by FreeBird » Tue Sep 26, 2017 10:47 pm

So sorry you all are going through this, marko...
Mayberry:Gateway to danger :ymcowboy:

marko
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Re: It's time

Post by marko » Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:13 pm

Thanks, this had to happen and if anything the LO played a big role. Last night the wife said in frustration that our oldest hates her as much as me. I said, "nice manipulation" but I won't save you from what you think. This is good as well as she needs to find a way back to our first born. She also said out loud again this is what she deserves. I didnt say a word, I need her to loose it all to find herself. The words designed to be rescued just need to be realized. She will feel good, disappear into her own world and be pissed no one sees it her way. Just like LE, facing who and what we are. I don't see a good outcome, even in this we don't look for any comfort in each other, no words of how it was, no missing, no remember whens. I feel sad for her, for me, the kids, and well everyone here.

DelusionGirl
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Re: It's time

Post by DelusionGirl » Thu Sep 28, 2017 4:41 am

Feeling for you Marko...

Radey
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Re: It's time

Post by Radey » Thu Sep 28, 2017 10:29 am

Hi Marko
Sending you strength and courage! I remember my marriage counsellor saying that some marriages do run their course. Not because the marriage should not have happened but people and circumstances may change significantly enough for the marriage not to work and it is how the separation is managed that affects children. My parents did not divorce but they were were unhappy and quarrelled non-stop for most of the 48 years they were married. Home life was terrible and traumatic for us kids and we were all left seriously scarred. My mother died unfulfilled, unhappy, depressed, bitter, angry and full of hatred. They should have divorced earlier in their marriages but they stayed together to please society and because of the kids that they ended up traumatising.

I do hope things work out well for you. Please keep being civil to each other and make the kids your priority and constantly express your love for them and they will be fine. I hope you and your SO find love again with other people. Please continue to be kind to her too. Divorce does not have to be messy. It is a part of modern life. The decisions we made in our 20s may not last the course of 50-60 years of strict monogamy given the increase in life expectancy. Good luck Mark.

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