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My feelings after my wife cheated on me

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
Skex
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My feelings after my wife cheated on me

Post by Skex » Tue Aug 08, 2017 2:15 am

(thread split due to OP posting in another thread).

Let me see if I got this straight, you cheat on your husband, then you expect him to try and win your affection back?

Wow, you emotionally abuse the person you in theory loved enough at one point to commit to a life of monogamy and now you add insult to the injury by blaming him for your own lack of personal responsibility and inability to recognize your own agency over your actions?

If you are not happy in your marriage either fix it or get out of it. All this limerence nonsense is a bunch of rationalization and self deception. You are most likely pushing your husband away because deep down you know what you are doing is wrong but your self image can't accept it so you demonize your husband and nit pick every little fault or slight in order to dehumanize him in your mind so you can deal with the cognitive dissonance of doing something that you know is wrong.

What you really need to do is accept that you are the problem here, your poor coping mechanisms, your sense of entitlement. Maybe your husband isn't perfect, maybe he is a cold uncaring asshole. That is not a justification for you to abuse him.

Let's consider this, be really really honest with yourself here, which really came first, your dissatisfaction with your husband or your fascination with your affair partner(s)?

In my experience people who end up cheating, decide to cheat first then find justifications to support their desire.

If it was really just dissatisfaction with your marriage why didn't you take the appropriate steps to either fix it or end it? That is where you will find your answers, not from your husband or from anyone else.

Why do you need so much validation from others? What is it that you are missing that you aren't comfortable with yourself?

Go hunt down "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Read it and pay particular attention to the part where she explains that in general it is the unfaithful partner in a relationship who is not investing in and thus invested in the relationship.

I'm not saying this to be mean or judgemental but because as long as you seek validation from others you will never be satisfied, because you are a bottomless pit of neediness that no one can ever hope to fill. You are like a leaky bucket and no matter how much validation you pour into it until you find and plug the hole you will never fill it.

No one else can fix you but you.

Ivanhoe
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by Ivanhoe » Tue Aug 08, 2017 2:34 am

AMA210 wrote:
Sat Aug 05, 2017 5:13 pm
Said he doesn't know how to act or what to say to make me happy and I told him he will have to figure it out because I should not have to tell him.
Really?? The best times my (alas, late) wife and I had was after she had the guts to tell me precisely what she wanted - down to Tea in bed every morning, dishes washed three days/week (she did not work outside the house), me totally responsible for cars and one dinner at home (and a damned good one at that) each week, etc. etc. what did I get in return? She praised me in public if I deserved it, fantastic meals and periodic sex. Win. Win.
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

AMA210
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by AMA210 » Tue Aug 08, 2017 3:43 am

Skex wrote:
Tue Aug 08, 2017 2:15 am
Let me see if I got this straight, you cheat on your husband, then you expect him to try and win your affection back?

Wow, you emotionally abuse the person you in theory loved enough at one point to commit to a life of monogamy and now you add insult to the injury by blaming him for your own lack of personal responsibility and inability to recognize your own agency over your actions?

If you are not happy in your marriage either fix it or get out of it. All this limerence nonsense is a bunch of rationalization and self deception. You are most likely pushing your husband away because deep down you know what you are doing is wrong but your self image can't accept it so you demonize your husband and nit pick every little fault or slight in order to dehumanize him in your mind so you can deal with the cognitive dissonance of doing something that you know is wrong.

What you really need to do is accept that you are the problem here, your poor coping mechanisms, your sense of entitlement. Maybe your husband isn't perfect, maybe he is a cold uncaring asshole. That is not a justification for you to abuse him.

Let's consider this, be really really honest with yourself here, which really came first, your dissatisfaction with your husband or your fascination with your affair partner(s)?

In my experience people who end up cheating, decide to cheat first then find justifications to support their desire.

If it was really just dissatisfaction with your marriage why didn't you take the appropriate steps to either fix it or end it? That is where you will find your answers, not from your husband or from anyone else.

Why do you need so much validation from others? What is it that you are missing that you aren't comfortable with yourself?

Go hunt down "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Read it and pay particular attention to the part where she explains that in general it is the unfaithful partner in a relationship who is not investing in and thus invested in the relationship.

I'm not saying this to be mean or judgemental but because as long as you seek validation from others you will never be satisfied, because you are a bottomless pit of neediness that no one can ever hope to fill. You are like a leaky bucket and no matter how much validation you pour into it until you find and plug the hole you will never fill it.

No one else can fix you but you.
Gosh, I feel so honored that your first post on this board was to rip me a new one. You must have read all of my posts so you knew exactly what to say. I see a lot of projection in your words. You are this.....you are that.....wow, looks like some work needs to be done there.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

AMA210
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by AMA210 » Tue Aug 08, 2017 3:58 am

Ivanhoe wrote:
Tue Aug 08, 2017 2:34 am
Really?? The best times my (alas, late) wife and I had was after she had the guts to tell me precisely what she wanted - down to Tea in bed every morning, dishes washed three days/week (she did not work outside the house), me totally responsible for cars and one dinner at home (and a damned good one at that) each week, etc. etc. what did I get in return? She praised me in public if I deserved it, fantastic meals and periodic sex. Win. Win.


I will have to tell him. I am struggling. It's been the gradual disconnect of our relationship during the past 2.5 yesrs. I go to group therapy weekly. It's both of us looking outside for fulfillment. It's always both -- two to make it work, two to have an affair, two to disconnect. LE made me see just how bad it has gotten. I think it can be saved, but right now, it's dying, if we don't acknowledge that and begin again, then it will become another statistic.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

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David
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by David » Tue Aug 08, 2017 7:20 am

Skex wrote:
Tue Aug 08, 2017 2:15 am
Go hunt down "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Read it and pay particular attention to the part where she explains that in general it is the unfaithful partner in a relationship who is not investing in and thus invested in the relationship.
Welcome Skex. Thats quite a first post. Ive been asked to delete it and i wont as im all for free speech. You have every right to express your views. Whilst I dont find anything offensive in your views it does feel to me lacking in empathy. Im not sure if your had limerence, likely not given the way you write. I suspect more likely you have been on the receiving end of someone cheating? If so, I do feel for you.

As for Shirley Glass's book, which I liked, my own experience as a couples counselor is in every relationship, it takes two to tango. Its never one person's fault. Often the cheater doesn't do conflict (learned in childhood) and they only way they feel able to express their frustrations in the marriage is to act it out. And often they fear their partner for good reason. When they have tried to communicate with their partner they are shut down through shame, humiliation, name calling and other defensive behaviours.

Does this make an affair right? No. An affair is just the output of deeper unconscious behaviour. Until this is addressed nothing changes. The majority of folk here are addressing this.

Will you be exploring your unconscious behaviours? If so you will be welcome here and we will support you as best we can, however angry you may be. If not, this may not be the best place for you.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Relationship Coaching help see www.loverelations.co.uk
For Individual Coaching and Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

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David
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by David » Tue Aug 08, 2017 7:27 am

Ivanhoe wrote:
Tue Aug 08, 2017 2:34 am
Really?? The best times my (alas, late) wife and I had was after she had the guts to tell me precisely what she wanted - down to Tea in bed every morning, dishes washed three days/week (she did not work outside the house), me totally responsible for cars and one dinner at home (and a damned good one at that) each week, etc. etc. what did I get in return? She praised me in public if I deserved it, fantastic meals and periodic sex. Win. Win.
Yes, many partners expect their partner to be mind readers, this seems to be more a female thing. the more specific the requests, the more likely they are to be fulfilled. Saying "he doesn't love me enough" means little to a man. Tell your man how you want to be loved. what practical things can he do to make you feel more loved. Gary Chapman's 5 Languages of Love is a good starting point. Sometimes we have to walk the talk to get reconnected - fake it till you make it.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Relationship Coaching help see www.loverelations.co.uk
For Individual Coaching and Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

Skex
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by Skex » Tue Aug 08, 2017 8:44 am

AMA210 wrote:
Tue Aug 08, 2017 3:43 am
Gosh, I feel so honored that your first post on this board was to rip me a new one. You must have read all of my posts so you knew exactly what to say. I see a lot of projection in your words. You are this.....you are that.....wow, looks like some work needs to be done there.
I don't need to read all of your posts, there are a limited number of general stories and frankly most are cliche and tired.

I'm sorry you are not the special little snowflake you think that you are. You are just another little wannabe wayward convinced that all your woes are problems foisted upon you rather than the result of your own choices.

Yeah I get it you feel what you feel, but you know what? You do have control of what you do.

I don't need to know about your husband or the specifics about your situation because they are irrelevant. Like I said it is all about you and your dysfunction.

The reason I chose your post to respond to is that I was floored by your lack self awareness and your utter lack of empathy towards your husband.

Are you really surprised that your husband would rather watch TV than pay attention to his wife who is pining for other men? How would you feel if the situation were reversed and instead of the TV he was thinking about another woman?

What is the mental process that leads to such selfishness?

If all you are interested in is to have people agree with you and sympathize with your "plight" then ignore my posts. If however you are interested in a path out of dysfunction then stop trying to project your own insecurities onto me and look at yourself. You are upset because you don't feel like your husband isn't investing in you, imagine how he feels about you investing so much into your crushes, these men who don't care squat about you yet he has invested his life into you. He chose to be with you despite your flaws and rest assured you have them, just like these men who you are pining for have their own.

You are infatuated with a fantasy, these men are not real people to you, because real people are flawed, they have bad days, they fart and get snippy and leave their underwear on the floor.

The reality is that you are the one who has the problem here and the solution is is something that has to come from you. It's selfish and cruel to expect your husband to support you through this. You're lucky that he hasn't hefty bagged your shit and tossed it into the yard.

Yeah I've been on the receiving end of a betrayal so I have a pretty good idea of what your husband is going through. The difference is that my wife pulled her head out of her ass and took responsibility for her stupidity.

I'm trying to give you a wake up call, so that maybe you can avoid the pain that you are headed towards. Invest in your husband and maybe then he will return the favor. Or let him go so he can find someone who will show him the basic respect that everyone deserves.

No David I am not lacking in empathy, I just happen to save the bulk of my empathy for the victims of abuse rather than the perpetrators and enablers of such.

As far as this two to tango nonsense I don't buy it, every relationship has challenges, and conflict, but not everyone cheats and this premise that the betrayed is somehow responsible for the actions of the cheater is damaging to both parties as it is little more than victim blaming for the betrayed and further encourages the lack of agency of the cheater.

People cheat for any number of reasons having to do with poor boundaries, immature dysfunctional coping mechanisms and entitlement. But mostly because they want to and they convince themselves that they are justified in doing so.

You who also does this? Abusers of all shapes and stripes. I'm sure that they have their own fucked up FOO behind their thinking as well yet you don't have people telling them that their victims are somehow complicit in the abuse they are subject to.

I get that people are imperfect and they fuck up. It's part and parcel of navigating an advanced technological society with mental tools evolved for dodging predators and gathering berries. But that does not excuse them from responsibility for their actions and choices.

Tell me, do you think that a rape victim or the victim of sexual abuse shares responsibility for what was done to them? After all it takes two to tango right? That is the logical conclusion of your argument. And you accuse me of lacking empathy?

Now personally I don't believe in victim blaming. Cheating is a violation of consent, it steals the right and ability of someone to the information to make informed decisions about their physical and emotional safety. There is never a justification for it because there are always better, ethical and frankly effective means of addressing whatever issues a person may have in a relationship up to and including the option to leave it.

I'm not here about anger about being cheated on. I've processed that, I'm here because I hope that maybe my own experience can be of use to others to avoid going through or putting others through similar pain.

That some good can have come from it. The OP of this thread doesn't need hand holding and empty platitudes, she needs a wake up call. A warning that this way their be dragons and to turn back before it is too late.

That her choices have consequences and she will not be the only one to suffer them, that she won't even be the one who will suffer the most from them and that the pain of being the cause of the level of misery she is working to inflict will dwarf the discomfort she is feeling now.

I would prefer it if she could avoid the pain knowing that her selfishness and cowardess destroyed her husband. I've seen the pain my own wife has gone through in the wake of her infidelity, the hopelessness of knowing that she cannot undo the damage that she has wrought, that there is no turning back the clock and restoring what she destroyed through selfishness and shortsightedness.

It's not about blame its about responsibility, it's about empowerment to take control of your own life and the choices you make. As long as the OP is blaming the state of her relationship and her lack of investment in it on her husband she will continue to abdicate her own agency even while she steals her husband agency over himself.

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David
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by David » Tue Aug 08, 2017 10:52 am

Skex, its good to read here the perspective of the betrayed. We dont get enough of these to provide some perspective.

My own experience of limerence and the others I have worked with, is sadly when in the fog, nothing wakes us up. absolutely nothing, nada, zilch. Not even the cold bucket of water you have metaphorically thrown here.

I have tried this approach enough times when sitting across a couple where an active affair is still being played out and i've yet to find what pierces the fantasy and fog of an affair. I really wish there were a way to get the betrayer to see how destructive their behaviour is. Sadly limerence is the mother of all addictions and when we are in it, we cant see reason however much its show to us.

Thats my expereince. And I agree, its not until we take 100% responsibility for our actions can we pull ourselves out of the molasses. Sadly that takes some longer than others.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Relationship Coaching help see www.loverelations.co.uk
For Individual Coaching and Mentoring see www.drdavidperl.com

Limfriend1
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by Limfriend1 » Tue Aug 08, 2017 11:32 am

Skex wrote:
Tue Aug 08, 2017 8:44 am
If all you are interested in is to have people agree with you and sympathize with your "plight" then ignore my posts.
Oh Skex! I can't wait til you meet The Karpman Drama Group :D
And welcome to the forum! I'm glad David isn't deleting your message. Haha... I had people want my posts deleted on my own thread! Because *whoa is me* (hand to forehead)... they didn't like my very own experience because perhaps they could see themselves??? It makes me want to hand out violins and I was grateful David didn't delete my thread because of the Karpman Drama Group requests.

Don't know if AM was/is in it. I've challenge AM before though I also know that AM is a fighter and has come a long way - I take my hat off to AM for sharing her experience.

I look forward to reading yours Skex!

AM sending you warm wishes on a cold night (well it is here) :ymhug:

Limfriend1
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by Limfriend1 » Tue Aug 08, 2017 12:26 pm

David wrote:
Tue Aug 08, 2017 10:52 am
My own experience of limerence and the others I have worked with, is sadly when in the fog, nothing wakes us up. absolutely nothing, nada, zilch.
Mmmhmm you can bet your bottom dollar! I work with helplessness and there ain't nothing you can do. It's not until they crack open wide those curtains before awareness seeps thru.

Was watching an interesting clip today David.
Sinead O'Connor did a post on FB for her family to come and rescue her. Was eye opening. My blood was boiling at the thought of what could have been inflicted on the children. At the same time I was intrigued at the level of helplessness. I have not seen that level of illness and it's difficult to wrap my head around the total lack of ability to take responsibility. It was almost as if she wished she could, but mentally could not.

I've worked with PD and Bipolar peeps. Was interesting to see that not everyone can take responsibility, period.

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