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Locking eyes

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
Limfriend1
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Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am
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Locking eyes

Post by Limfriend1 » Wed Jun 28, 2017 10:47 am

It would be good having an area for those who ARE limerent objects.

The eye lock thing...

You know when you can feel someone staring at you and you look in their direction?

Walked in to the staffroom to look at a group sitting there and who happens to be staring at me? The gardener. Of course he'd say we 'locked eyes'. Might even say I purposely came on to him. Sending mixed signals and shivers down his spine.

He sent them down mine except for a completely different reason. One of... "really, like really? Of all people and it's you who is staring at me?"...

Sorry but not all LOs welcome this nonsense. Lordy knows what's going thru his mind. I know what's going thru mine... I don't find it flattering at all. And whatever I do, he's going to think I think the way he thinks and feels.

Regardless of being limerent or the object, we are human and have lives outside of this fantasy world. A wonderful friend on here told me not long after joining... "we are not good enough for our LO because if we were, they'd be with us"... and that's the truth!

Heart_Open
Posts: 705
Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2016 3:52 pm

Re: Locking eyes

Post by Heart_Open » Wed Jun 28, 2017 12:05 pm

Interesting.
I have this student that works with me. I have noticed his behaviour towards me has changed over the last few months. He gets flustered, he sits and stares at me, stands at my desk with nothing to say etc etc. Yeah, it feels odd and a little creepy. I can at least empathise as I know how it feels to like someone I cannot be with but still, yeah. I don't talk about it with anyone, although I have mentioned it to my husband as we once saw him in the supermarket and he was staring at me so husband was like 'who is THAT?'

That statement though... "we are not good enough for our LO because if we were, they'd be with us"... and that's the truth!
[/quote]
Not a chance.... how about this..
"we are not with our LOs because... they are not good enough for us" ( i posted an article about this a while back I think, will see if I can dig it out)

Never ever ever say you are not good enough - each of us are good enough, for ourselves, because we are who matters to us. Hard to see this in the throes of limerence though...
L-F wrote:
Wed Jun 28, 2017 10:47 am
It would be good having an area for those who ARE limerent objects.

The eye lock thing...

You know when you can feel someone staring at you and you look in their direction?

Walked in to the staffroom to look at a group sitting there and who happens to be staring at me? The gardener. Of course he'd say we 'locked eyes'. Might even say I purposely came on to him. Sending mixed signals and shivers down his spine.

He sent them down mine except for a completely different reason. One of... "really, like really? Of all people and it's you who is staring at me?"...

Sorry but not all LOs welcome this nonsense. Lordy knows what's going thru his mind. I know what's going thru mine... I don't find it flattering at all. And whatever I do, he's going to think I think the way he thinks and feels.

Regardless of being limerent or the object, we are human and have lives outside of this fantasy world. A wonderful friend on here told me not long after joining... "we are not good enough for our LO because if we were, they'd be with us"... and that's the truth!

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french girl
Posts: 284
Joined: Wed Feb 03, 2016 3:48 pm
Age: 47

Re: Locking eyes

Post by french girl » Wed Jun 28, 2017 7:48 pm

L-F wrote:It would be good having an area for those who ARE limerent objects.
Yes, for me it would seem logical to have a subforum about that.
But it's already not easy to learn about the word "limerence" for limerent people, so limerent objects would have even less chance to become aware of the limerence word... And they probably wouldn't consider the problem important enough to write about it...
But some people are both limerent and limerent objects, and I'm interested in reading from the limerent object point of view...

I had a book about limerence, I think it was this one : Breaking Hearts, The Two Sides of Unrequited Love, by Roy Baumeister and Sara R.Wotman. The way I remember it, I think it explains even better the other side (from the limerent object point of view) than our side (the limerent one).
And the things L-F tells about the behaviour of the gardener reminds me of what different LOs say in the book :
L-F wrote:I don't find it flattering at all.
Last edited by french girl on Wed Jun 20, 2018 8:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

marko
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Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
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Re: Locking eyes

Post by marko » Thu Jun 29, 2017 12:28 am

Super connection moment. We looked at each other's eyes for longer than i could imagine. Usually I look away, but to stare and feel comfortable was amazing. Perhaps too I was thinking it would impress her to stand my ground as she can be intimidating, but still I didn't feel small even though I had her on a high pedestal.

Limfriend1
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Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am
United States of America

Re: Locking eyes

Post by Limfriend1 » Thu Jun 29, 2017 3:30 am

Great points of view!

I feel having the shoe on the other foot quite enlightening. Most of us would have heard LO has narc tendancies, hence saying in another post that we are all cut from the same cloth.

I could never see myself with the gardener simply because I do not see us having much to talk about (narkie huh?)... :D

We are not good enough for our LOs just as LOs are not good enough for the limerent. Of course I'm not going to be disrespectful to the gardener. What I find interesting is that the LS 'thinks' the connection is real or rather, 'over thinks' the connection.

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RedPencilMentality
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Location: UK

Re: Locking eyes

Post by RedPencilMentality » Sat Jul 01, 2017 12:02 pm

marko wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 12:28 am
Super connection moment. We looked at each other's eyes for longer than i could imagine. Usually I look away, but to stare and feel comfortable was amazing. Perhaps too I was thinking it would impress her to stand my ground as she can be intimidating, but still I didn't feel small even though I had her on a high pedestal.
It is a super-connection moment but NOT by way of love but by way of trauma-bonding. Trauma-bonding can be stronger than love.

I would recommend the book called " The body keeps the score" by Bessel van Der Kolk. It is the best book on trauma.
L.O.V.E. always wins.

WonkyBrainThe2nd
Posts: 272
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:32 pm

Re: Locking eyes

Post by WonkyBrainThe2nd » Sat Jul 01, 2017 12:22 pm

RedPencilMentality wrote:
Sat Jul 01, 2017 12:02 pm
marko wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 12:28 am
Super connection moment. We looked at each other's eyes for longer than i could imagine. Usually I look away, but to stare and feel comfortable was amazing. Perhaps too I was thinking it would impress her to stand my ground as she can be intimidating, but still I didn't feel small even though I had her on a high pedestal.
It is a super-connection moment but NOT by way of love but by way of trauma-bonding. Trauma-bonding can be stronger than love.

Wow, that's really interesting, I'd never heard of such a thing. I stumbled across a Bessel van Der Kolk youtube lecture a few weeks back and it blew my mind, it just made so much sense to me. He didn't mention the trauma-bonding in the video. I have to read his book.

Limfriend1
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Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am
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Re: Locking eyes

Post by Limfriend1 » Sat Jul 01, 2017 9:54 pm

Going to check this out... "The body keeps the score" by Bessel van Der Kolk. Sounds interesting. Also his youtube clips.

Had an interesting reiki session the other day - blew my mind. So not what I was expecting. She even went in to past life stuff. And of course all the guff that has become apparent since LE. Was interesting hearing her pinpoint specific moments that caused trauma to the body and how the body/mind was not connected. Tis all very fascinating.

Paul45
Posts: 47
Joined: Mon May 29, 2017 3:28 pm

Re: Locking eyes

Post by Paul45 » Sun Jul 02, 2017 11:33 am

I don't believe that all LO's are necessarily narc types, there must be instances when LO's are simply not interested and that's all there is to it. But the idea that it could be LO initiating attachment and trauma bonding opened up a new line of thought and way of looking at my LO.

So I came across this by Zari Ballard - http://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.c ... ma-bonding - if I can quote a little:

‘Arousal-jag’ reinforcement is all about giving a little and then taking it away over and over and over in well timed intervals. Narcissists do this all the time (disappearing/reappearing, silence/chaos) whereby creating an illusion of twisted excitement that reinforces the traumatic bond between us and them. And to be clear, the narcissist feels a connection here as well only his connection is to the excitement alone and not to us. This is why a narcissist always has multiple partners because it doubles and triples his excitement factor. The fact that we – as his victims – become so attached to the chaos that we’ll eagerly await a hoover is quite an added bonus!

Are you getting it yet??

The excitement before the trauma (of betrayal and neglect) is created during the devalue stage…that point in time right before a discard when our intuition has already told us he’s going to leave based on his behaviors. It’s that knot-in-the-stomach feeling, the overwhelming urge to call his phone 100 times, the torment of cognitive dissonance…. it’s the hours spent scouring the internet looking for clues…it’s the feeling we get from the chaos that a narcissist ALWAYS creates right before the silence. Like it or not, we become highly addicted to his narcissistic behaviors and all of the nonsense that goes with it… and we miss it like a motherfucker when it’s gone…when, suddenly, the narcissist goes silent. We long for the connection – as manipulated and fabricated as it is – until we can barely breathe. Then, right before we either kill ourselves or come to our senses, in swoops the narcissist once again – like a Phoenix rising – to give us the second reinforcement: the peace of surrender that happens afterwards. His reappearance is meticulously timed for maximum effect and usually follows a silent treatment that has lasted just a tad longer than the one before. The narcissist is conditioning us to accept less and less so he can get away with more each time he vanishes.


Just that first sentence really resonates. LO giving me just enough to hook me in then pulling away followed by the silent treatment. It's toxic alright. After reading this I felt abused, manipulated, cheated. But I see it all as new ammunition to break my limerence and my OCD habit of texting LO - so thank you RPM for this introducing this new level of insight.

Spinnaker
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Re: Locking eyes

Post by Spinnaker » Wed Jul 05, 2017 12:12 am

,
Last edited by Spinnaker on Sun Feb 10, 2019 10:43 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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