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Feelings Towards DH

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
Skex
Posts: 72
Joined: Tue Aug 08, 2017 1:44 am
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by Skex » Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:42 am

AMA210 wrote:
Wed Aug 09, 2017 4:48 pm
Skex,
I appreciate the apology for the thread hijack. Not a big deal, as that does happen here from time to time.
There is some truth in your words and I actually am grateful because at this point in my LE, I needed to hear them. From your opinions, I have a greater understanding of my responsibility in this and how I could have responded differently to LO in the very beginning of our developing friendship.
In response to your question about the OP I was involved with from 30 years ago, I was not married at the time, being only 20. We dated for a few months and I was his rebound and he was my first love.
I'm happy to hear that you got something of use from my comments. Contrary to what seems to be the popular opinion I am not trying to attack you out of a sense of anger.

I get that it's hard to deal with emotions that come upon you without your conscious awareness or intent. I know that it is especially hard when you are in the middle of it all. I often refer to my subconscious as my "inner caveman" he's simplistic, selfish, suspicious and defensive and not necessarily accommodating of my conscious desires.

The trick is to be aware of him but not give him full reign of my life.

The danger of giving over to your inner cave person is that it is not capable of long term thinking which includes deferred and abstract consequences.

I know that I came at you hard in my responses. I hope you can accept that it comes from a place of compassion.

I also hope that you understand that you dodged a bullet. I read your comments about your conversation with your recent LO where you recognized just how easy the slide from emotional affair to physical can be.

I further hope that you try my advice about putting special effort into connecting with your husband, and don't get upset if his reaction is not instant or as sufficiently enthusiastic as you would like.

Even though your affair never went physical I promise you that it affected him more than he let's on. Men in our society are not encouraged to express their emotions, particularly the "softer" one's that tend to be viewed as weak. Men are conditioned from birth to hide these emotions, to be stoic and strong.

This is a large part in my opinion of why men have an easier time expressing anger. Because anger is a "strong" and powerful emotion.

The problem is that anger is a covering emotion, it's typically a cover for fear which from a male perspective is the weakest emotion.

Men also know that women are especially fearful of us when we are angry for what are honestly good reasons. So we learn to be careful about showing it to you.

It's kind of the psychological basis of that feminist 'joke' that men are afraid that women will laugh at us while women are afraid that we will kill them.

I don't know your husband, but I know men pretty well having been one for my 47 years of life. So I think that I can say with some authority that your LE has hurt him in ways that he doesn't even know how to express to you and even if he did he doesn't trust you enough to be open about those feelings.

Because to open up to you he has to make himself vulnerable to being hurt again.

Before that can happen you will have to show him that you are a safe person. That you care about him and what your infatuation with your LO did to him.

I suspect that if you work on understanding how this hurt him and how he has been shielding you from the brunt of it that you will find that affection that you think that you have lost.

I believe that someone else mentioned the love languages book. An important part of that concept isn't just to know your and your partners love language so you can show them your love in their language but so you can see when they are showing you their love for you in their own.

My point is that it is helpful to be cognizant that just because someone isn't showing you that they care in the way that would prefer doesn't mean that they are not trying to show it to you.

Of course I could be wrong since I don't know your husband but maybe my perspective can be of use to you.

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by AMA210 » Fri Aug 11, 2017 3:46 pm

Skex wrote:
Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:42 am
AMA210 wrote:
Wed Aug 09, 2017 4:48 pm
Skex,
I appreciate the apology for the thread hijack. Not a big deal, as that does happen here from time to time.
There is some truth in your words and I actually am grateful because at this point in my LE, I needed to hear them. From your opinions, I have a greater understanding of my responsibility in this and how I could have responded differently to LO in the very beginning of our developing friendship.
In response to your question about the OP I was involved with from 30 years ago, I was not married at the time, being only 20. We dated for a few months and I was his rebound and he was my first love.
I'm happy to hear that you got something of use from my comments. Contrary to what seems to be the popular opinion I am not trying to attack you out of a sense of anger.

i believe that everything happens for a reason and so I believe that your first post on this forum was directed at me for a specific purpose. Of all of the posters here, you chose my LE. I do think that I was in "dire need" of a wake-up call and I never could quite understand how my actions were my responsibility. I spent so much time pointing my finger at LO....he did this, he didn't stop it, it's his fault for not saying no, etc. Now I realize that I had the power all along to step away from the situation, but chose not to and subsequently, gave all of my power to LO. Although somewhat harsh, I must say that perhaps it needed to be presented that way for me to truly understand.

I get that it's hard to deal with emotions that come upon you without your conscious awareness or intent. I know that it is especially hard when you are in the middle of it all. I often refer to my subconscious as my "inner caveman" he's simplistic, selfish, suspicious and defensive and not necessarily accommodating of my conscious desires.

The trick is to be aware of him but not give him full reign of my life.

The danger of giving over to your inner cave person is that it is not capable of long term thinking which includes deferred and abstract consequences.

I know that I came at you hard in my responses. I hope you can accept that it comes from a place of compassion.

I also hope that you understand that you dodged a bullet. I read your comments about your conversation with your recent LO where you recognized just how easy the slide from emotional affair to physical can be.
i have heard that before. I often felt that I had been shot with a bullet when I saw LO. It was the most bizarre reaction. The intense emotions or LE took over logic and rationality. The PA was looming and when one line is broken, it becomes that much easier to do it again and then move on to the next one. I was shocked at how easy it was.

I further hope that you try my advice about putting special effort into connecting with your husband, and don't get upset if his reaction is not instant or as sufficiently enthusiastic as you would like.

Even though your affair never went physical I promise you that it affected him more than he let's on. Men in our society are not encouraged to express their emotions, particularly the "softer" one's that tend to be viewed as weak. Men are conditioned from birth to hide these emotions, to be stoic and strong.

This is a large part in my opinion of why men have an easier time expressing anger. Because anger is a "strong" and powerful emotion.

The problem is that anger is a covering emotion, it's typically a cover for fear which from a male perspective is the weakest emotion.
i am grateful you shared this, as I was not aware of it. I don't think I have heard a male say "I am afraid of this" and now I know why. DH had intense anger towards LO, even though he told me that he wasn't threatened by him.

Men also know that women are especially fearful of us when we are angry for what are honestly good reasons. So we learn to be careful about showing it to you.

It's kind of the psychological basis of that feminist 'joke' that men are afraid that women will laugh at us while women are afraid that we will kill them.

I don't know your husband, but I know men pretty well having been one for my 47 years of life. So I think that I can say with some authority that your LE has hurt him in ways that he doesn't even know how to express to you and even if he did he doesn't trust you enough to be open about those feelings.
Because to open up to you he has to make himself vulnerable to being hurt again.
Before that can happen you will have to show him that you are a safe person. That you care about him and what your infatuation with your LO did to him.
I suspect that if you work on understanding how this hurt him and how he has been shielding you from the brunt of it that you will find that affection that you think that you have lost.
[The words here are gold and make a lot of sense and I thank you for expressing them to me here./i]

I believe that someone else mentioned the love languages book. An important part of that concept isn't just to know your and your partners love language so you can show them your love in their language but so you can see when they are showing you their love for you in their own.
I have been hearing a lot about this book lately--in group earlier this week and from another person having a rough patch in their marriage, so I will be getting it today.

My point is that it is helpful to be cognizant that just because someone isn't showing you that they care in the way that would prefer doesn't mean that they are not trying to show it to you.

Of course I could be wrong since I don't know your husband but maybe my perspective can be of use to you.


Everything that you have said here makes complete sense to me. You have opened my eyes, really seeing LE and LO from a clear perspective. You have started the process of turning that finger around and pointing it at myself and for that, I am grateful!
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

Skex
Posts: 72
Joined: Tue Aug 08, 2017 1:44 am
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by Skex » Sat Aug 12, 2017 6:38 pm

I am glad that my efforts are helpful for you.

Something that I don't think that I expressed to you yet is that my point about responsibility and ownership of your choices is not about tearing you down and making you feel guilty.

It's about giving you a way to feel empowered. I think that a lot of people get into these messes because they feel powerless and they are attempting to exercise some control.

It's where the "fuck you SO" aspect of an affair comes from, this idea in the cheaters head justified or not that their SO holds all of the power over them so they're gonna prove them wrong by doing something that they know their SO wouldn't approve of. Yet their lack of power is such an integral part of their internal narrative that they still deny that they have it even while demonstrating the idea is a lie by having an affair. This manifests in the "I was forced to do it because you did X" of blame shifting and history rewriting.

When you accept that that's all a bunch rationalized bullshit and really take ownership and deal with the consequences you have begun to recognize and accept your own power and agency.

It's like I told my wife on multiple occasions since dday. I don't want to punish her for hurting me I want to see her do the work and get to the bottom of what she did so that she can be a better happier person.

Because the same dysfunctional thinking that led her into infidelity manifests in her life in other ways. Both professionally and personally. So addressing it and working through it will benefit her in every aspect of her life even if our marriage isn't part of it.

I suspect that would apply to most of the people on this site as well.

I would be interested in hearing how things are going for you.

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by AMA210 » Sun Aug 13, 2017 8:22 pm

It improves and then the beginnings of that emotional connection and then it's gone. I always think that it will be different next time, just like with LO, and it never is/was. So this afternoon, before I left, questions galore--where you going, when you be back, how much money you take, what are you buying, don't forget the milk, and if you come back without it, then I will send you back out to get it. Goodbye.
When I returned, DH wanted to talk to me. I thought ok, we are going to make plans for some activity and we will talk about things that matter. Nope. He talked about the bills that need to paid this week and the amount of each one and then about the boards that need to be replaced in his mom's garage and that if nothing is going on, then he is going over there. Wow. I gave him a look and he said well, maybe I should stay here and keep you company. Do you want that? Do you mind if I watch tv? So my two choices were him going by his mom to work OR have him watch tv here.
He decided to go by his mom.
I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't want to get divorced because there are too many years invested (32), we have a middle school aged daughter and a dog. I feel as though I am settling for this emotionally unavailable man whose priorities are fucked up, and who doesn't have time to cut down all of the fucking weeds here, even though he bought the tool last week, and who made sure he bought all of the boards yesterday, but cannot buy a fucking hose so I can wash the cars. I suppose I will have to buy that myself, so case in point, it will be the wrong one.
I don't think I can be truly happy.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by AMA210 » Thu Aug 17, 2017 2:13 am

I really think DH is a fucking avoidant, just like LO was.
I told him the other day that the thing (Limerence) was an EA also in a stupid way, but LO gave me undivided attention, showed affection in a weird touchy way and we talked, mostly about him, yes, and I was attracted to him. He knows about "book guy" and he is ok with it. Yesterday, I told him point blank that I have been talking to him a lot lately and I think he is meeting my emotional needs and that he needs to start doing that. DH said lets go to counseling together. I had my individual therapy today. He didn't ask about it. Nothing. Cut the grass after supper and is now in front of the tv again until bedtime. Nope, those needs unmet again today. Fuck it. He is fucking clueless and he doesn't give a shit. I am so tired of this BS. Today therapist said to me, "I think he has been emotionally absent for a while and I said yeah you got that damn right. How did my life become so complicated?
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

Limfriend1
Posts: 1579
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by Limfriend1 » Thu Aug 17, 2017 9:11 am

So what's keeping you there?

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by AMA210 » Thu Aug 17, 2017 1:31 pm

L-F wrote:
Thu Aug 17, 2017 9:11 am
So what's keeping you there?
Not strong enough yet to change things. I need to work on codep issues first. There are other things that are going on. Daughter is starting new school. It's funny, but before LO appeared, I was fine. It was all fine. So I had a temper and a really short fuse and I was controlling and turning into my mom. The behaviors between LO and DH are so similar. Could DH be narc? His dad sure was. The relationship of his mom and dad was clearly as my relationship with LO. Dad was narc and mom is codep. In my family, mom was narc snd dad was codep. The same two dynamics keep showing up. Maybe just coincidence.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by AMA210 » Sun Aug 20, 2017 9:20 pm

It's better.
More communication.
More time to work it all out.
We sit and just talk. It's a good thing.
32 years of sharing, being, together.
Not going to throw that away. He is a good person, flawed like me.
I am hopeful that the connection can be restored.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

Ivanhoe
Posts: 484
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 9:49 pm
Location: Southwest US
Gender:
Age: 67
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by Ivanhoe » Sun Aug 20, 2017 9:31 pm

Make no-TV nights, where you have to sit in front of each other across a small table and talk. Use the fall in love questions to start the conversation.

Radey
Posts: 316
Joined: Mon Aug 14, 2017 9:10 am
Great Britain

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by Radey » Mon Aug 21, 2017 1:51 pm

Well done Amazon. Hope you can work things out with SO. I am trying to do the same.

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