I'm happy to hear that you got something of use from my comments. Contrary to what seems to be the popular opinion I am not trying to attack you out of a sense of anger.AMA210 wrote: ↑Wed Aug 09, 2017 4:48 pmSkex,
I appreciate the apology for the thread hijack. Not a big deal, as that does happen here from time to time.
There is some truth in your words and I actually am grateful because at this point in my LE, I needed to hear them. From your opinions, I have a greater understanding of my responsibility in this and how I could have responded differently to LO in the very beginning of our developing friendship.
In response to your question about the OP I was involved with from 30 years ago, I was not married at the time, being only 20. We dated for a few months and I was his rebound and he was my first love.
I get that it's hard to deal with emotions that come upon you without your conscious awareness or intent. I know that it is especially hard when you are in the middle of it all. I often refer to my subconscious as my "inner caveman" he's simplistic, selfish, suspicious and defensive and not necessarily accommodating of my conscious desires.
The trick is to be aware of him but not give him full reign of my life.
The danger of giving over to your inner cave person is that it is not capable of long term thinking which includes deferred and abstract consequences.
I know that I came at you hard in my responses. I hope you can accept that it comes from a place of compassion.
I also hope that you understand that you dodged a bullet. I read your comments about your conversation with your recent LO where you recognized just how easy the slide from emotional affair to physical can be.
I further hope that you try my advice about putting special effort into connecting with your husband, and don't get upset if his reaction is not instant or as sufficiently enthusiastic as you would like.
Even though your affair never went physical I promise you that it affected him more than he let's on. Men in our society are not encouraged to express their emotions, particularly the "softer" one's that tend to be viewed as weak. Men are conditioned from birth to hide these emotions, to be stoic and strong.
This is a large part in my opinion of why men have an easier time expressing anger. Because anger is a "strong" and powerful emotion.
The problem is that anger is a covering emotion, it's typically a cover for fear which from a male perspective is the weakest emotion.
Men also know that women are especially fearful of us when we are angry for what are honestly good reasons. So we learn to be careful about showing it to you.
It's kind of the psychological basis of that feminist 'joke' that men are afraid that women will laugh at us while women are afraid that we will kill them.
I don't know your husband, but I know men pretty well having been one for my 47 years of life. So I think that I can say with some authority that your LE has hurt him in ways that he doesn't even know how to express to you and even if he did he doesn't trust you enough to be open about those feelings.
Because to open up to you he has to make himself vulnerable to being hurt again.
Before that can happen you will have to show him that you are a safe person. That you care about him and what your infatuation with your LO did to him.
I suspect that if you work on understanding how this hurt him and how he has been shielding you from the brunt of it that you will find that affection that you think that you have lost.
I believe that someone else mentioned the love languages book. An important part of that concept isn't just to know your and your partners love language so you can show them your love in their language but so you can see when they are showing you their love for you in their own.
My point is that it is helpful to be cognizant that just because someone isn't showing you that they care in the way that would prefer doesn't mean that they are not trying to show it to you.
Of course I could be wrong since I don't know your husband but maybe my perspective can be of use to you.