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Feelings Towards DH

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
Limfriend1
Posts: 1579
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by Limfriend1 » Tue Jun 27, 2017 8:38 am

mrsjones wrote:
Tue Jun 27, 2017 1:45 am
I am constantly looking for a male to validate me and fulfil my needs in some way. If I'm down and especially experiencing the horrendous lows of LE, I am mentally scanning my world for some man to buoy me up by making me feel attractive or interesting. This can become a never-ending cycle - an addiction which is never satisfied.
I came across this and found it interesting - no more approval addiction is required when the art of being yourself is mastered...

mrsjones
Posts: 95
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2017 1:44 am

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by mrsjones » Wed Jun 28, 2017 5:00 am

L-F wrote:
Tue Jun 27, 2017 8:38 am


I came across this and found it interesting - no more approval addiction is required when the art of being yourself is mastered...
Thanks LF. What a divine accent! She has a lot of really interesting and wise things to say.

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by AMA210 » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:50 pm

Is LE supposed to diminish your feelings for DH?
And if so, how does it come back?

In the midst of LE, I pushed DH away because I was thinking about LO. When DH ignored me, I ran to LO for attention. When I had limited access to LO, my mind ran to him and I slipped into my fantasy world with him. I imagined DH to be LO. When DH was annoying, I ignored him.

Now with LO being gone, I am pushing DH away again. I can't run to LO anymore to save me. DH is even more annoying and gross, unattractive, condescending, etc. Sometimes I feel as if all love and respect feelings for DH are gone!! It's sad.

Is this normal?
How does one get that back?
Confused once again.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

Heart_Open
Posts: 705
Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2016 3:52 pm

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by Heart_Open » Wed Jun 28, 2017 3:40 pm

The question is, my lovely, is whether you want to get those feelings back and if so, why? If you do want to get them back, perhaps they are not gone at all. Perhaps, putting the spot light back on to you (where it should be), your soul is crying out for the respect and love you actually deserve. And this starts with you.
This is an ongoing process, it does not happen overnight.
Limerence causes us to evaluate every last shred of our lives. It turns our worlds inside out and upside down as we search for the answers that, ultimately, lie within.



AMA210 wrote:
Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:50 pm
Is LE supposed to diminish your feelings for DH?
And if so, how does it come back?

In the midst of LE, I pushed DH away because I was thinking about LO. When DH ignored me, I ran to LO for attention. When I had limited access to LO, my mind ran to him and I slipped into my fantasy world with him. I imagined DH to be LO. When DH was annoying, I ignored him.

Now with LO being gone, I am pushing DH away again. I can't run to LO anymore to save me. DH is even more annoying and gross, unattractive, condescending, etc. Sometimes I feel as if all love and respect feelings for DH are gone!! It's sad.

Is this normal?
How does one get that back?
Confused once again.

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by AMA210 » Thu Aug 03, 2017 11:54 am

Update: DH and book guy

DH: gets a little better, then hits the rocks....back and forth...talked to our friends' mom, who is in her 70's...lots of wisdom there....her son and DH grew up together.....told her about LO and book guy....she was codep also, married to alcoholic for 20+ yesrs, got divorced, worked many years to change codep, is single now. She totally gets it, was like me. Asks me hard questions.

LO helped me find my voice and now I am starting to use it and speak up and challenge DH more and he doesn't like it. He says I'm aggressive, but I am assertive. I do not like who DH has become. Married to his mom. If his mom calls during supper, had to talk to her. If he is talking to me, I have to wait until he talks to her. I say call her back. He says it might be an emergency.

Over the past several days, a sample of conversation between DH and I:
What are your plans for today? You have to do this, this and this.
You seem mad at me. What did I do wrong? Did you see "that person" today? (LO) My response is I'm tired or hormonal.
I got my hair done today. DH says "it looks the same, how much did it cost me?" Everything I buy on any given day--how much you spend today? During supper -- if I make it -- where did you buy this, how much was it? After supper, talks to mommy or goes over to her house to do a job, comes home, watches tv until bedtime. I say good nite, he falls asleep on chair, goes to bed at 3am. Complete disconnect. Checked out, both of us. Fucking sad. Can't go back to LO.

Enter Book Guy.....common interest.....the past month, it went to email. Told DH about it, said it was fine. He is keeping you away from LO and he lives far away and is married also. Not threatened by him. Pics exchanged. We email every day. FB friends now, began using IM. We do that 1-2 times a week now. He gives me what I lack...validation, reciprocation, friendship. He asks how I am doing. We share what books we have read, and other things about our life. He is very funny and I am too. He helps me forget about LO and is encouraging and supportive. We have boundaries in place and he is more codep like me. It's a safe friendship, because neither one of us is truly available. And on it goes..

This is my fantasy life, just like it was with LO, except the difference is that it's reciprocated. I do not know how to validate myself yet, so I need it from the outside. I do not get it from DH. This is my distraction from not wanting to deal with my marriage. It's much easier. DH's fantasy life is gambling and tv, at least mine has real people in it.

I feel that DH does not care and is not interested in me anymore. It surprises me that he is "ok" with me talking to book guy. He doesn't seem to understand the correlation between him and LO. It began the same way....LO paying attention, validation, emotional connection.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

marko
Posts: 1500
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by marko » Thu Aug 03, 2017 3:45 pm

Sorry about the DH. One thing I really tried to change in me is that practical man reaction and money connection to everything. LE has helped me break free of those constraints and try to live more. It did that by me questioning which reactions make me more or less attractive. It's very hard for men to see what a buzz kill being practical is-- or whatever bent they have. It feels responsible to be the guy who (whether real or not) is the almighty provider and the need to be in control.

I see all that's a buzz kill in my wife and can't take it anymore. More so because I just see that's so hard wired and how she is I can't imagine her changing--and why should she? I also see so many years of swallowing it has been a poison in my mind that I loose my appetite at supper. She has no joy as she states if "I could......then I'd finally be happy"--so never happy. I want to live and enjoy and get out, she lays in bed all day, likes trashy romance novels and a man I'll never be. Her food choices are killing her as she's developed diabetes and apnea. Doesn't care and it's my fault as well as the kids. Sorry to vent, but she is who she is and I can't live with that. I can see her internal hate for me eating her alive as well. LE also contrasted this more for better or worse. How bad is it? Having dental and health insurance weighs more than any feelings--dang practical man kicks in.

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by AMA210 » Sat Aug 05, 2017 5:13 pm

Had an honest conversation with DH today. He senses the distance, wanted to know why. I told him about the disconnect, not being emotionally available, what my emotional needs are (attention, validation, admiration, caring, encouragement). He said I didn't appear to be interested in him and he said the reason was because I got a tattoo. Yeah, sure, that is it. He is so fucking clueless. My therapist said he needs to be educated, damn right on that.

He then turned it on himself, saying that he is to blame and I don't want him anymore. Told me to forget about LO, stop caring about him. I told him I can't turn it off like that. Said he doesn't know how to act or what to say to make me happy and I told him he will have to figure it out because I should not have to tell him.

I don't want to hurt him or make him feel bad, but I have to be honest with him. I can't lie and pretend all is wonderful. He is afraid that I will become so independent and different that I will leave to find someone else who is exciting. I told him we can't go back, only forward. LE changed everything.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

Limfriend1
Posts: 1579
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by Limfriend1 » Sun Aug 06, 2017 12:15 am

Can you reassure DH that getting better doesn't equate to leaving? Or that it is possible to be in a relationship AND be independent?

Perhaps a little compassion his way in helping him to see that he indeed has his own heavy lifting to do?

I don't blame him for being confused, like you, he didn't ask for it. But it (limerence) happened. Which is where you two can grow together instead of apart. If that is, he meets you in the middle and is open to working on his own projections?

marko
Posts: 1500
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by marko » Sun Aug 06, 2017 1:57 am

Sorry for the both of you :ymhug: I'm also happy to see you staying real to this and can have a dialogue about it. I'm utterly speechless in my wife presence. Really points out my inability to deal with conflict and trying so hard to be the good guy--all the while becoming a bad guy. Hang in there, you and L-F have been both support and eye openers for me. I guess some of us get a restlessness that builds and tears down.

AMA210
Posts: 1935
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by AMA210 » Sun Aug 06, 2017 7:57 pm

No effort again today from DH. Just tv getting the attention. Boggles my fucking mind how a device can rule and/or ruin life. Fortunately, I had an engaging conversation with "book guy". I thought the worst of this was when deep in LE, but that was just the beginning. I fear this will get much worse before it gets better.
LE was 22 months...LO catalyst for awakening, in which I chose divorce (after 27 years of marriage)
Very happy and content with my new beginning

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