Locking eyes

Find support here if your partner is affected by any of the issues covered on this forum including but not limited to limerence, physical and emotional affairs, love addiction, narcissism, codependency.
JohnDeux
Posts: 1288
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Locking eyes

Post by JohnDeux » Wed Jul 05, 2017 2:00 am

Spinnaker wrote:
Wed Jul 05, 2017 12:12 am
It takes TIME and EFFORT to discover answers. I have accepted that I will never fully understand my LE. I am happy to say, I am okay with that.
Really nice thread and great post and accompanying song, Spinnaker. Being okay with the unknown, especially as it moved us so deeply....sometimes very hard to do and acceptance ultimately very necessary.

"So what does it all mean? Myself and a lot of other songwriters have been influenced by these very same themes. And they can mean a lot of different things. If a song moves you, that's all that's important. I don't have to know what a song means. I've written all kinds of things into my songs. And I'm not going to worry about it – what it all means. When Melville put all his old testament, biblical references, scientific theories, Protestant doctrines, and all that knowledge of the sea and sailing ships and whales into one story, I don't think he would have worried about it either – what it all means........
....That's what songs are too. Our songs are alive in the land of the living. But songs are unlike literature. They're meant to be sung, not read. The words in Shakespeare's plays were meant to be acted on the stage. Just as lyrics in songs are meant to be sung, not read on a page. And I hope some of you get the chance to listen to these lyrics the way they were intended to be heard: in concert or on record or however people are listening to songs these days. I return once again to Homer, who says, "Sing in me, oh Muse, and through me tell the story." --Bob Dylan, Nobel Acceptance Speech.

Maybe in the realm of the unknowable, an LE is something that we have to just experience, a story in which we are a player and participant for a while, like certain explosions of life and creativity that need to be sung or enacted, not just read.

L-F
Posts: 1291
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am

Re: Locking eyes

Post by L-F » Wed Jul 05, 2017 9:55 am

Spinnaker wrote:
Wed Jul 05, 2017 12:12 am
Very informative thread! I will add my $.02 and a bit of a update here...

Interesting how, over time, even familiar concepts like trauma bonding or narcissistic behavior reveals and teaches more. Not only that, but as time progresses, a level of understanding or even a sense of owning my own baggage, getting my head out of the sand or clouds is influencing my perspective.

I heard this song today (below) and it brought back so many painful and sad memories of the difficulty fighting LE and feeling almost as if I were under the "curse" of his eyes...

I believe when limerence comes out of left field and instantaneously puts you under a spell like state, we can attribute this to amygdala hijacking. However, herein lies my confusion, the emotional trigger should give way to logical thought with regret or acceptance that the thoughts and feelings were inappropriate. For myself, that regret rarely took place when I was at the height of limerence. So I went on for months in this state of supposed hijacking? Maybe the jury is still out on what exactly is going on, day in and day out, living with LE. Any explanations are welcome here. I am certainly no expert. I'm simply a recovering, but always curious limerent soul....

Trauma bonding explains away much of my "connection" to LO. However, how did I sense that shared wound? In getting to know LO we discovered this, but how do we see it in their eyes? Or, do we? Maybe something inside of us knows....
Today, I am familiar with what caused my childhood wounds and how that has affected many of my choices, thoughts and brought me to where I am today, but •
☆how and ☆why the connection often remains a mystery....
At a certain point in my healing how and why became an obsessive like focus, probably because I wanted an excuse to distract myself from the real work...the painful work of owning my flaws and freeing myself of co-dependent relationships.

The perfect storm comes along and for some inexplicable reason we beco.e limerent. The hijacking doesn't ease back to reality overnight and for some, it seems the la la land is quite pathological.

There are no easy nor definitive answers to our LE. Each can relate to most of the challenges and that is why this forum in particular is such a terrific tool in aiding our healing.

Today, I received an Independence Day, "happy holiday" type message from LO. We have no current work projects and it's been about a month since we last saw eachother. FINALLY, I view him as another human being, a friend, a cohort, a fellow damaged soul.

Following our exchange, I heard "Lovers Eyes" by Mumford and Sons, which reminded me of this thread. As I listened to the words and recalled the past 3 years since limerence took on a life of its own, wreaking havoc and opening my eyes to necessary change, I compared my mindset throughout the years.

I no longer think of LE as a curse, but an awakening from years of repressed feelings. Like having a baby, it hurts like hell but we do it again because the reward is so beautiful. Ha! Maybe that is a bad analogy, since I have no interest in being drawn back into battle. x_x What I am trying to say, is the whole ordeal changes you and my journey was worth the pain and heartache.

The fact is, some things in life are inexplicable to the extent that they may never be answered nor understood. It takes TIME and EFFORT to discover answers. I have accepted that I will never fully understand my LE. I am happy to say, I am okay with that.

So, here is the song:
Mumford and Sons
Lovers Eyes
Oh my lovely friend :ymhug:
I remember a person shy to post and using the excuse one is not good at articulating oneself. Well... yet again, you have shown so much wisdom, and eloquently so!

I had to quote all of your post because you touched on so many aspects - from the start of the storm... to surviving it.

I can't say what the storm means to you, or to the next person though I agree with all you shared.

This all ended in us (DH & I) dealing with 'our' codependency. Is that the absolute answer? One can only take it a step at a time though I do know this... it's not about our desire for LO, it's our desire to have a better life (with SO and/or ourselves).

People can remain fixated on LO though that in itself is a block (defense mechanism) to facing what one ought to face.

I can't thank Lisa enough for her perseverance with me, David for his thoughtful replies, JD for his ability to gently prod, JT for her understanding and humour, and many others who supported my journey. And to you too my friend... for being there for me in my moments of madness!

Love you all!
"The day we take 100% responsibility for everything that happens to us and stop playing the victim, we feel a much lighter load" David

Heart_Open
Posts: 640
Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2016 3:52 pm

Re: Locking eyes

Post by Heart_Open » Wed Jul 05, 2017 10:57 am

Spinnaker wrote:
Wed Jul 05, 2017 12:12 am

Interesting how, over time, even familiar concepts like trauma bonding or narcissistic behavior reveals and teaches more. Not only that, but as time progresses, a level of understanding or even a sense of owning my own baggage, getting my head out of the sand or clouds is influencing my perspective.

I heard this song today (below) and it brought back so many painful and sad memories of the difficulty fighting LE and feeling almost as if I were under the "curse" of his eyes...

I believe when limerence comes out of left field and instantaneously puts you under a spell like state, we can attribute this to amygdala hijacking. However, herein lies my confusion, the emotional trigger should give way to logical thought with regret or acceptance that the thoughts and feelings were inappropriate. For myself, that regret rarely took place when I was at the height of limerence. So I went on for months in this state of supposed hijacking? Maybe the jury is still out on what exactly is going on, day in and day out, living with LE. Any explanations are welcome here. I am certainly no expert. I'm simply a recovering, but always curious limerent soul....

Trauma bonding explains away much of my "connection" to LO. However, how did I sense that shared wound? In getting to know LO we discovered this, but how do we see it in their eyes? Or, do we? Maybe something inside of us knows....
Today, I am familiar with what caused my childhood wounds and how that has affected many of my choices, thoughts and brought me to where I am today, but •
☆how and ☆why the connection often remains a mystery....
At a certain point in my healing how and why became an obsessive like focus, probably because I wanted an excuse to distract myself from the real work...the painful work of owning my flaws and freeing myself of co-dependent relationships.

The perfect storm comes along and for some inexplicable reason we beco.e limerent. The hijacking doesn't ease back to reality overnight and for some, it seems the la la land is quite pathological.

There are no easy nor definitive answers to our LE. Each can relate to most of the challenges and that is why this forum in particular is such a terrific tool in aiding our healing.

Today, I received an Independence Day, "happy holiday" type message from LO. We have no current work projects and it's been about a month since we last saw eachother. FINALLY, I view him as another human being, a friend, a cohort, a fellow damaged soul.

Following our exchange, I heard "Lovers Eyes" by Mumford and Sons, which reminded me of this thread. As I listened to the words and recalled the past 3 years since limerence took on a life of its own, wreaking havoc and opening my eyes to necessary change, I compared my mindset throughout the years.

I no longer think of LE as a curse, but an awakening from years of repressed feelings. Like having a baby, it hurts like hell but we do it again because the reward is so beautiful. Ha! Maybe that is a bad analogy, since I have no interest in being drawn back into battle. x_x What I am trying to say, is the whole ordeal changes you and my journey was worth the pain and heartache.

The fact is, some things in life are inexplicable to the extent that they may never be answered nor understood. It takes TIME and EFFORT to discover answers. I have accepted that I will never fully understand my LE. I am happy to say, I am okay with that.
This, as L-F says, makes perfect sense. Something in me was hijacked and although I am still discovering answers I now believe that to be that I will never fully understand my LE. Rather, seeking answers has in itself been a process of generating more questions that have more meaningful answers - my childhood plays a key part and is something I am trying to work through. And you are right, Spinnaker, your analogy to having a baby: hurts like hell but we would do it again because the reward is so beautiful - is perfect. It is just that. A mother is born with her baby. LE is like a rebirth, something deep deep deep within our soul is ignited, reawakened, and we finally begin our journey to remember who we are.

The trauma bonding thing is something new to me and I will explore this. I struggle with the idea LO was a narc - Paul45 quoted information that I need to think within the context of my own LE. I was not in a relationship with LO other than we were co-workers. We did have that dance - drawing each other in, feeding off of each other in the excitement of the dance, but no real silence or rejection until the end when I chose to leave and withdraw. But as much as he enjoyed attention off others and I enjoyed attention from him (not others), I would not say either of us were narcissists. Plus, on discovering my mother is indeed suffering from narcissistic personality disorder, I would not liken either of us within that LE to be anything akin to her. I might be missing a point here, maybe.

Anyway, yeah, he (or rather, the LE) hijacked my amygdala and continues to do so as I only have to switch it on and it occupies my mind whenever I ask it to. I have gone beyond it hurting, so perhaps I have come to accept it all as 'it was what it was'. IDK, I'm still processing - I don't get as much chance as I would like to process or spend time discussing on here at the moment.

Spinnaker
Posts: 437
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2016 7:25 am
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Re: Locking eyes

Post by Spinnaker » Thu Jul 06, 2017 5:36 am

JD Thank you for your kind words!

Heart_Open:

"LE is like a rebirth, something deep deep deep within our soul is ignited, reawakened, and we finally begin our journey to remember who we are."

Glad you could relate. Your contributions are very insightful and supportive on the forum.

L-F:
"I can't thank Lisa enough for her perseverance with me, David for his thoughtful replies, JD for his ability to gently prod, JT for her understanding and humour, and many others who supported my journey. And to you too my friend... for being there for me in my moments of madness!"

This sounds like a farewell, L-F.... :-ss I know you are focusing on your marriage right now, but I am hoping you might be willing to share pieces of that journey when the time is right. You have many gifts, my friend. One in particular has been seeing through my denial, walls and repression. With every push, you've brought me greater understanding-- out of the fog and into a place of healing. Allowing me to live in reality, with fewer chains holding me back from realizing true happiness.

You are loved too! :ymhug:
"Good judgement comes from experience.
Experience comes from bad judgement".

Fred Brooks

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