Feelings Towards DH

Find support here if your partner is affected by any of the issues covered on this forum including but not limited to limerence, physical and emotional affairs, love addiction, narcissism, codependency.
AMA210
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by AMA210 » Sat May 13, 2017 3:44 pm

DH got up early this morning (to chat I thought). Bah, he traded in our conversation for John Wayne. Fucking tv. Been sitting in front of it for 2 hours. It's better than not than better than not. :-s

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LisaTranscending
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by LisaTranscending » Sat May 13, 2017 5:37 pm

AM21, I agree, fucking tv. it's a vacuum that sucks the life out of the human race. maybe suggest there's one day where the tv will not go on?
my mom recently had this problem with my dad. she really put her foot down. he can't watch tv until 4 pm. (unless there's a game he really wants to watch) she was completely losing him to the tv. you hear of these "football widows" I mean how much self-discovery is there inside a tv set? but then again, many people shun self discovery.

JohnDeux
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by JohnDeux » Sat May 13, 2017 5:46 pm

LisaTranscending wrote:
Sat May 13, 2017 5:37 pm
you hear of these "football widows" I mean how much self-discovery is there inside a tv set? but then again, many people shun self discovery.
But it doesn't really matter if it's European or American football, LisaT.....either way I can discover amazing new uncharted waters within if my team is losing badly. And of course the Minnesota Vikings re-invented "snatching defeat from the jaws of victory" to boldly envision and create a whole new art form. :( .... ;-)

But agreed, TV/video is best to reduce in one's life.

Heart_Open
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by Heart_Open » Sat May 13, 2017 7:25 pm

I would have though DH would have started making some sort of effort at the marriage given all that has gone on recently. Is he depressed at all do you think? He's hiding inside that tv-watching or perhaps just escaping. Ie. Perhaps he needs just as much help as you do to face up to things.

AMA210
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by AMA210 » Sat May 13, 2017 11:37 pm

Heart_Open wrote:
Sat May 13, 2017 7:25 pm
I would have though DH would have started making some sort of effort at the marriage given all that has gone on recently. Is he depressed at all do you think? He's hiding inside that tv-watching or perhaps just escaping. Ie. Perhaps he needs just as much help as you do to face up to things.
I don't think he is depressed. And yes, he escapes into the tv. All if these years, he uses these one-liners that he got from various shows. I always thought they were originals, but nope. Kind of funny in a weird way. I was rather "happy" yesterday and he asked me specifically if I had seen anyone and I told him no. I told him that I was a horny toad though.

I have not told him what I think of LO physically. Seriously, your wife telling you that this other guy who stole her heart is also fucking hot. That is just cruel.

Maybe things will change with continued therapy. The result of DH working with his dad for 40 years has rendered him lazy and a master procrastinator, not to mention unfit. I am no beauty queen myself but if LO can light the fuse to get me moving, is that really all that terrible?

JellyBean
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by JellyBean » Sun May 14, 2017 1:22 am

Aquamarine21 wrote:
Sat May 13, 2017 11:37 pm
I have not told him what I think of LO physically. Seriously, your wife telling you that this other guy who stole her heart is also fucking hot. That is just cruel.
You never know AM ;) my SO likes anything that ignites my fire.
Firstly, he knows I'm not actually going to run off with someone, and secondly, if I did then he'd be waving from the front door and change the locks (well that's what I would do). Basically he knows, as do I, you can't control what someone else does. So we just go with the moment. He has taught me to stress less about the future because you simply can't control it, and to see the past as just that.
No wonder I'm still with the old man who loves his football! =))
Just call me LF, short for Limerent Friend.

AMA210
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by AMA210 » Mon May 15, 2017 4:37 pm

I told DH this morning that it isn't working well. I told him that maybe he could spend some time by his mom for a week with our daughter. He said "you kicking me out? Why don't you go on a trip and clear your head?" He said I don't want a divorce. I told him that LO made me happy and that he also broke my soul and now I have to fix it.

We hugged and I wished it was LO.
DH asked if I still love him and I said "sure I do."
Do I?
I don't know where it is. LO moved or removed it and somehow, I let him because I never thought this would happen.

AMA210
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by AMA210 » Wed May 17, 2017 2:46 pm

This morning, snuggling with DH, other things.
DH coming back online, LO lots of static, distorted images.
First time in a long time I felt "present" with DH, as in not imagining it was LO.

OMG, this is a very good thing. Progress every day, every week. :ymsmug:

Onward......

AMA210
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by AMA210 » Mon Jun 26, 2017 1:09 pm

Thinking, trying to figure it out......this is where I am right now....

I have not developed a friendship with a male that was not physical. LO was the first guy that I actually got to know on an emotional and intellectual level before bringing in anything physical.

My DH and I had an instant physical attraction and that became the foundation of our relationship. We prided ourselves on the fact that our "passion" was still alive and well after so many married years We have been together for 32 years. He has never been the conversationalist. Even in our early phone calls when dating, he was boring, not saying much. It has gotten worse over time.
LO stood out in this aspect. Communicated very well, both in speaking and writing. That and he listened, without distraction--on no phone or tv, with no device. I think that is where the attraction began.

So, logically, as my friendship with LO continued, I became more attracted to him physically and less attracted to DH. Emotional and physically connected to LO and minimal, at best, emotional connection with DH and now physically has gone down a lot. So this "passion" has dwindled considerably. So what is left?

Over these months, i have tried to open it up and restore that connection with DH. We talked about things we wanted to change, like taking a walk after supper and not eating out as much. Have we done it? No. It goes back to where it was before. Their is no long standing improvement. Why? I think its his mom now. DH has been overly dedicated to his parents through these years....having to help his dad with so many stupid projects since we've dated. With his mom now, being a widow, helping, always there for her, he still calls her "mommy". Honor your mother and father, one of the commandments, has taken the extreme route. I told him he is married to his mom.

So I can't have LO because he is married and it wouldnt be a healthy relationship anyway.
I think as we get older, our need for an emotional connection increases and due to hormonal changes, sex and physical intimacy is not that important anymore, as compared to our youth.

So aside from these insights, I joined a book club that meets weekly. DH does his stuff, I do mine. It's a small group of 8 people and I've been going for a month and subsequently talking with a male there, who is married also and 47 years old. The last two weeks, we have stayed aferwards to hang around and talk. He is quite funny and we laugh a lot. I felt kind of weird about this so I told DH about it and he said it was fine--you are doing the book thing and if are talking with someone else, then that's ok.

I was a bit surprised by this, considering what happened the last time I began talking to another male. Maybe DH just doesn't care because if I'm occupied than he can be with his mom and not worry about pissing me off.

With book guy, I am not outright physically attracted to him, not my type, like LO was. He is more muscular and thinner, and as we all know by now, I like them stocky, soft and squishy! But that's ok, because it's the intellectual and humor that compels me to continue.

So of course now I am thinking is this transference? Can two opposite sex married people be friends? I do not want to transfer my feelings from LO to this new person. I realize that whatever I am not getting in my marriage is being filled by another, outside of myself. I do not know how to fill that myself!!
No boundaries are in place. I should set one or both of us should. A mutual boundary?
He seems to be more codep like me--he apologizes for things and I do as well.
I enjoy his company. He is engaging and damn funny. Makes me forget about LO.

mrsjones
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Re: Feelings Towards DH

Post by mrsjones » Tue Jun 27, 2017 1:45 am

Hey AMA,




Over these months, i have tried to open it up and restore that connection with DH. We talked about things we wanted to change, like taking a walk after supper and not eating out as much. Have we done it? No. It goes back to where it was before. Their is no long standing improvement.



With book guy, I am not outright physically attracted to him, not my type, like LO was. He is more muscular and thinner, and as we all know by now, I like them stocky, soft and squishy! But that's ok, because it's the intellectual and humor that compels me to continue.

So of course now I am thinking is this transference? Can two opposite sex married people be friends? I do not want to transfer my feelings from LO to this new person. I realize that whatever I am not getting in my marriage is being filled by another, outside of myself. I do not know how to fill that myself!!
No boundaries are in place. I should set one or both of us should. A mutual boundary?
He seems to be more codep like me--he apologizes for things and I do as well.
I enjoy his company. He is engaging and damn funny. Makes me forget about LO.
In regard to your relationship with "book guy" , it seems like you are using him as a rescue from your current LE. I say this because I have realised this about myself - I am constantly looking for a male to validate me and fulfil my needs in some way. If I'm down and especially experiencing the horrendous lows of LE, I am mentally scanning my world for some man to buoy me up by making me feel attractive or interesting. This can become a never-ending cycle - an addiction which is never satisfied.
Last edited by mrsjones on Thu Jun 29, 2017 7:27 am, edited 2 times in total.

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