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Helping my husband....I posted in the wrong place.

Find support here if your partner is in limerence, having an affair or love addicted.
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Helping my husband....I posted in the wrong place.

Post by HopefulWife17 » Sun Mar 12, 2017 3:46 pm

Sorry, I posted this in the wrong place on this forum....

My husband and I have been having a challenging year. Our marriage had deteriorated into anger and bitterness, and I was ready to file for divorce.

In November, I discovered an email, and then text messages. I assumed an affair, but after months of his denial of anything physical, and torturing myself, I have discovered that he has been having an imaginary relationship with a very real person.

A woman he met through his weekly massages - don't overreact - he is a dancer and has a very physical job. Regular massage and visits to the chiropractor have been part of his life for years. However, due to the disconnection in our marriage (I could go into detail, but I see my role in things and have been repairing things from my side....) he imagined a connection and relationship. The physical contact, though confirmed to be completely legitimate, had an impact on my husband, since we had little physical contact at the point where he met this woman. She was nice to him while I was neglecting him.

Fast forward, for various reasons I concluded that this woman really did not care for him, so I went to speak with her. She was horrified. She said she rarely read his messages, which bordered on poetry and resembled the messages he would send me when we were courting, and hardly ever replied. When she did, it was "have a great day!" or something benign, in her mind. She is 20+ years younger - the age of his children - is married with two children of her own. She said that she thought he was just a lonely old man (just 53, but...) and she was just being polite. She said he was not even handsome, and a horrible tipper - then apologized when she realized she had insulted me and the man I love.

Immediately she said that she would block his number on her phone and that he would be told that she had moved when he called for an appointment. And that no other therapist at that spa would see him. If he presses, the manager will tell him that his attention made her uncomfortable, she requested a transfer, and he is no longer welcome there. I expect that he will be too shy to pursue anything once this is all disclosed to him, which will be this week.

Things at home and between us have been improving significantly, though he has been reluctant to engage in physical contact with me. He has started to accept my gestures of affection, and he has recently been more verbally appreciative of my efforts to do things to help him or please him. (Making his favorite dish, etc.) For months he has not said thank you for anything, has pulled away from me, and has even refused to return my calls. (For a man in his 50s, very immature behavior...yes, I have a task ahead....) With improvements to my side - I've stopped complaining, demanding, criticizing, etc. and have been loving, caring and appreciative of things that he does - no matter how small, things are looking up.

I expect that he may have a serious reaction to the rejection he is/will be receiving. (She has not been responding to his text messages for weeks, but he has continued to have his fantasy fed with weekly contact through his regular massage appointments.) I am wondering how I can help my husband to accept and recover from the destruction of this fantasy, and to appropriately reconnect with me. I have some excellent guidance on the latter (Mort Fertel, any who are looking to repair a relationship.) but am concerned about the former - his limerence, the removal of his LO, and his denial that he even "has a problem".

A couple months ago, when I thought it was a "real" affair, I asked him to stop and to work on our marriage. He said he would stop when he chose to do so, and that he was emotionally invested and would always have this person in his life. He would go back and forth between "this isn't real" and "this is very real". He is a smart man, who I have discovered to be incredibly emotionally fragile - though he shows a very strong face to the world - so I do expect that he has a considerable amount of self-awareness around all of this, but that it has evolved into something over which he has had marginal control.

So, please don't attack or deride me...I am now here to ask people who have suffered from this affliction how I can best support the man that I love and help him to reconnect to reality, though he fails to acknowledge that he has any problem. (I suspect that he knows, since he lies to me about his contact with her, he understands it is wrong and unhealthy, but it has been filling a void.) We have recently been starting a new business together, looking toward the future together, buying land adjacent to our home, etc. He is staying put, but I want our whole relationship back, with my affectionate and loving husband.

Any help is truly appreciated.

(Also, is he likely to quickly attach to another young girl? He is a dancer and has regular contact with ballerinas. They see him as charming and non-threatening, but I am concerned that he might "imagine" something again that will keep him from reconnecting with reality and me.)

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Re: Helping my husband....I posted in the wrong place.

Post by David » Sun Mar 12, 2017 7:02 pm

Welcome hopeful wife 17. I have just posted an article with advice on how to behave for both the betrayed and the betrayer. I dont like these terms, they feel harsh and cant think of anything better that descibes the roles played - see viewtopic.php?f=41&t=2806

I do hope you get some insights and find help here.

I have moved your post to the best place as well.

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see

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