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I'd always felt off and now I know why...

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L-F
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I'd always felt off and now I know why...

Post by L-F » Tue Mar 06, 2018 9:23 am

A short article on BPD... By K Moore

If you ask the average person on the street to reel off the symptoms of depression, chances are they could. Ask the same person what Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is and my guess is the answer would fall into one of three categories:

Never heard of it.
Is that when you have multiple personalities?
Oh my God, that’s what crazy people have.

I admit I fell into all three categories when I was diagnosed with BPD in 2016.

I wasn’t “doing” life successfully. Nothing made sense to me; I was frustrated by continual relationship breakdowns, annoyed by my hypersensitivity, confused about who I was and sick of adjusting to people and places. Oh, and I was also in the throes of love addiction (which I was seeking help for).

It was time to find my millionth psychologist.
...........

Here are some of the crucial facets of BPD and areas I personally struggle with daily.

A skewed sense of self: Borderline sufferers lack a core sense of self. I’ve always compared myself to everyone as a benchmark of who I should be. My negative self-image along with not knowing the “real” me means it’s incredibly easy to adapt to different surroundings. I’m a chameleon when it comes to role play.

Maintaining personal relationships: Even at 8 years old, I remember intensely strained female relationships, where the fear of being rejected was horrendous. Today I still struggle with boundaries, basing my worth on how I’m treated and the inability to handle any form of negative interaction. One rejection-tinged comment from a friend can see me spiral into a depressive episode which, if I don’t get a handle on it, can turn into disassociation, or “splitting.”

Splitting: Splitting is a coping mechanism for a sufferer when something’s occurred to rock our confidence or stability. Black and white thinking is normal for a BPD sufferer when facing an uncomfortable situation; there is no gray. One day someone can be “all good,” the next they’ve been sent packing off their pedestal and become “all bad,” all thanks to something small that has triggered the BPD sufferer’s abandonment issues.

Engulfment and abandonment: The title of the BPD book “I Hate You Don’t Leave Me” says it all. It’s no wonder BPD is often confused with bipolar disorder; we can love, hate, need, and push away in a manner of seconds. I can crave closeness but get consumed with it at the same time. I might tend to push away, but a slight sniff of you distancing yourself from me is terrifying. The fear of that abandonment is so intense; it often leads to manipulative behaviors to bring a person closer again.

Self-destructive behaviors: Because loneliness is a huge issue, we are prone to do things to ignite the fire. Any risky behaviors from drug taking, inappropriate sexual conduct or cutting are high on the to-do list, anything to feel something and get excited by life.

Intense emotions and anger: Shame is a daily emotion for me, but it’s amplified when it comes to my anger. Most people wouldn’t think of me as an angry person, but when I’m in a state (usually with my partner), I feel out of control and out of my body. I act like a crazy person, unable to regulate the words spilling out of me, which are often painful, mean and above all, shameful. Panic attacks are not uncommon. The next day comes the shame hangover, where the self-loathing begins again, which in turn leads to the fear of being left, yet again. It’s a never-ending cycle of torment, with your brain the torturer.

One of the hardest things about this condition is always questioning my reality. I wonder if a reaction is my BPD talking or the real me. Where do I begin and end? But does it matter?

I get that BPD may sound like an excuse for bad behavior. It may seem like we can control some of our impulses, but it’s like saying to someone with depression, “Just snap out of it.”


https://nypost.com/2018/03/05/i-have-bo ... not-crazy/
A first date question: "how aware are you of your traumas and suppressed emotions, and tell me how you are actively working to heal them before you project that shit on me?"

Casey.k
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Re: I'd always felt off and now I know why...

Post by Casey.k » Tue Mar 06, 2018 11:36 am

I've been reading a lot about BPD lately because I can, unfortunately, relate to a lot of the symptoms. Especially the lack of the sense of self. Already as a child I remember staring into a mirror and thinking "who am I?"and I could never locate the I. I don't know if that is a regular part of development, but for me ar least, that feeling has never left. I feel like there is no me there, just a collection of beliefs and values, which I believe I have acquired from people I've known along the way. I tend to cling to them though, because they give me a certain feeling of something that's constant.

Also the splitting sounds familiar. Especially when I was younger I often left people behind when they did something wrong and went from all good to all bad. Luckily I've found that age has stabilized me somewhat, and I'm not as awful to people I used to be.

JohnDeux
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Re: I'd always felt off and now I know why...

Post by JohnDeux » Tue Mar 06, 2018 2:14 pm

L-F wrote:
Tue Mar 06, 2018 9:23 am
I get that BPD may sound like an excuse for bad behavior.....
Ran into this conundrum in a discussion with a friend recently who has a family member in and out of detox and treatment centers. Apparently they are having a hard time sticking a diagnosis to to him because they are trying to figure out how much of his 'crazy' behavior is "real or faked". My thinking is that, if he's going to such great lengths to 'fake' the symptoms, isn't that a sign of something being out of whack?.....an 'off balance' state that is likely just as concerning? Is it just some hold-over of our Judeo-Christian "everyone is born bad and sinful until they are saved" that creates this attitude that we all, deep down, *want* an excuse for bad behavior? My point being that, irrespective of being labeled BPD or otherwise, those with troubling behavior likely need help. For both BPD and NPD, disorders with related etiologies, often it's hard to gain true compassion from the support community.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

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CelestialBody
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Re: I'd always felt off and now I know why...

Post by CelestialBody » Tue Mar 06, 2018 2:35 pm

Sad to admit that I can relate to quite a bit of this. Thanks for posting!

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Re: I'd always felt off and now I know why...

Post by mamasita » Tue Mar 06, 2018 4:12 pm

It's strange, I first heard of BPD from my sisters, whilst criticizing our step mother, one day in a group text: "This is SO her!!"
Now, 10 or more years later, I read all of that and "this is SO ME." :-s

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Re: I'd always felt off and now I know why...

Post by David » Tue Mar 06, 2018 4:22 pm

Ive been interested in BPD because the only female i've stayed in touch with from my training is borderline. And the only male Ive stayed in touch with exhibits similar traits, albeit in the masculine form. :-? Im not sure what that says about me. :-s

I do wonder how much emphasis is placed on female "bunny boiler" borderlines and yet I do wonder how many men struggle too, it just expresses itself differently.

I dont like this label, i feel it has too many negative connotations. Same goes for all the other PD's. And yet living with a PD takes it toll and seeing the impact on my 2 friends with their own struggles to be in relationships makes me appreciate the impact on them too.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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JohnDeux
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Re: I'd always felt off and now I know why...

Post by JohnDeux » Wed Mar 07, 2018 1:03 am

David wrote:
Tue Mar 06, 2018 4:22 pm
And yet living with a PD takes it toll and seeing the impact on my 2 friends with their own struggles to be in relationships makes me appreciate the impact on them too.
Don't know if the list here is relevent to this discussion?:>> https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/si ... ba4ad31a4d

I find myself nodding in agreement with most of these points with regard to my SO....but several of them describe my own behavior as well, so it makes it a double issue. I really agree with the notion that BPD/NPD types tend to attract each other which just results in some deep partnering problems...are you finding this much in your practice, David? Also noted that the 11 points would describe a lot of what I felt coming from my parents, moreso my mother.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

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Spinnaker
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Re: I'd always felt off and now I know why...

Post by Spinnaker » Wed Mar 07, 2018 5:26 am

Very informative. Thank you L-F.
Last edited by Spinnaker on Mon Mar 12, 2018 6:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

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David
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Re: I'd always felt off and now I know why...

Post by David » Wed Mar 07, 2018 7:32 am

JohnDeux wrote:
Wed Mar 07, 2018 1:03 am
I really agree with the notion that BPD/NPD types tend to attract each other which just results in some deep partnering problems...are you finding this much in your practice, David?
Yes, in varying degrees. We see a lot of avoidants paired up with love addicts. And at the more extreme end, the borderline (mostly women) that have paired up with the very avoidant male. And sometimes its the borderline that has the affair or gets limerence and then devastates the avoidant and they can then switch to become the needly love addict.

I do wonder if borderline behaviour expresses itself in men as extreme avoidant behavior. My male friend is hyper avoidant - finds it difficult even committing to making arrangements with me for fear of rejection / abandonment.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For Professional Coaching / Therapy see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence

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mamasita
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Re: I'd always felt off and now I know why...

Post by mamasita » Wed Mar 07, 2018 2:56 pm

David wrote:
Wed Mar 07, 2018 7:32 am
JohnDeux wrote:
Wed Mar 07, 2018 1:03 am
I really agree with the notion that BPD/NPD types tend to attract each other which just results in some deep partnering problems...are you finding this much in your practice, David?
Yes, in varying degrees. We see a lot of avoidants paired up with love addicts. And at the more extreme end, the borderline (mostly women) that have paired up with the very avoidant male. And sometimes its the borderline that has the affair or gets limerence and then devastates the avoidant and they can then switch to become the needly love addict.
:-B And then what happened?

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