New Therapist

Talk therapy can help but at times less cognitive treatments are required. Anything related to ANY form of therapy goes here.
User avatar
David
Site Admin
Posts: 2424
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Contact:

Re: New Therapist

Post by David » Thu Apr 27, 2017 10:02 pm

Degato wrote:
Thu Apr 27, 2017 6:43 pm
Is Limerence unknown to a lot of therapists?..I'm going to bring it up to a therapist in my next visit, I'd have thought it would be something they would have at least heard of?!?..
Unheard of by about 99%. Most have heard of infatuation - i describe L as infatuation on steroids.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Coaching see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence/

Male 57

AMA210
Posts: 1556
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: New Therapist

Post by AMA210 » Wed May 17, 2017 10:53 pm

She is helping me a lot, but today I told her that I had to be ready to do the work before I came in and you get out of therapy what you put into it. She mentioned that some clients expect the therapist to be the cure and not do anything but show up. Knowledge is power as well as admitting that there is a problem and wanting to change it for the better. She admires my determination and strength to conquer this and it was really nice to hear that from someone.

She works with couples affected by affairs and only a few don't stay together and work it out. It's too much effort and easier to end it and just walk away. I was surprised to hear this.

I am where I should be. I make progress daily. Sometimes I take a few steps back, get a high and get a low and it reminds me of that pain and that intense longing. Don't want that toxicity in my life anymore.

Today I went to a new organic grocery store. I feel empowered, like if I can overcome this, I can do anything. My mojo is coming back.

Willpower just doesn't work with this. Eventually you just give in. Been there, done that many times. You have to believe in it. You have to really see that LO for who they are, not the fantasy that you created or their false self that they presented to you. All of the bad things they did or said to you that were hurtful were ignored and excused. LO had a bad day, was really busy, isn't really mean and cold like that. When you stop lying to yourself and accept those things about LO, then it gets better. LO lied to me 7 times. LO completely ignored me when I asked if he read the letter, silent treatment for 2 months and afterwards I initiated and apologized to him. Absolute madness. I learned so much about myself from LO.
52 years old, married for 26 years
LO is 53 years old, married for 7 years
LE is 20 months

AMA210
Posts: 1556
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: New Therapist

Post by AMA210 » Wed May 24, 2017 12:29 pm

I went to my first ever group therapy for co-dependents. Seven strangers. I realized that doing lunchroom helped me so much. I didn't like it because it was always different, but I kept going and forced myself into uncomfortable situations to be more confident. It took over a year for me to be comfortable with that. I hated small groups. One on one was fine. I wasn't even nervous. Scared and excited, but in a good way.

It's rather fun. Nice humor. The therapist said "we are here to own our shit" and that was familiar to me. These people struggle with the same things as me within the context of different situations, but the same issues. We all relate. We all "get it". I will go back. No meeting next week because it's Memorial Day. I have homework to do. I am a bit afraid to answer those questions and go inside of myself for the answers. Sometimes, I find myself using LO in place of me, from the way he acted, still trying to figure HIM out. The focus is still on him. It needs to be on me...not there yet.

Onwards....
52 years old, married for 26 years
LO is 53 years old, married for 7 years
LE is 20 months

User avatar
David
Site Admin
Posts: 2424
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Contact:

Re: New Therapist

Post by David » Thu May 25, 2017 7:24 am

Aquamarine21 wrote:
Wed May 17, 2017 10:53 pm
She is helping me a lot, but today I told her that I had to be ready to do the work before I came in and you get out of therapy what you put into it. She mentioned that some clients expect the therapist to be the cure and not do anything but show up. Knowledge is power as well as admitting that there is a problem and wanting to change it for the better. She admires my determination and strength to conquer this and it was really nice to hear that from someone.
:-bd :-bd :-bd

I see a lot of clients pitching up expecting me to have all the answers and to cure them in a few sessions. I think it has a lot do with the culture we have created of instant gratification and a pill for every ill. Sometimes we dont have nor get all the answers and thats just one of many lessons from our L - that we are still left with uncertainty.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Coaching see http://loverelations.co.uk/limerence/

Male 57

Spinnaker
Posts: 635
Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2016 7:25 am
Contact:

Re: New Therapist

Post by Spinnaker » Thu May 25, 2017 4:27 pm

Aquamarine

I can't say enough, how glad I am to see you fighting your limerence battle with such strong-minded and corageous determination!

Looking forward to hearing more about your group work, as well. :-bd

Therapy is available to the vast majority of folks visiting this forum. If not individual, 12 step programs and finding like minded individuals to talk with in person is helpful. Here is a link for SLAA for those interested.

https://slaafws.org/


You are a warrior, guuuurl! :-bd

BTW: I JUST wrote the words, "knowledge is power" in my notes last night! I agree wholeheartedly!

Spinnaker :ymhug:
"The biggest secret to limerence is that it has nothing to do with LO."

Limerentfriend :ymhug:
aka L-F

AMA210
Posts: 1556
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: New Therapist

Post by AMA210 » Wed Jun 14, 2017 1:35 am

Update on group and my light bulb moments as a result:

Group is even more helpful than individual at this point in time. It sparks new thoughts from the experiences and struggles of everyone else.

I believe that LO and I were acting in the age range of a 10-12 year olds. (Emotional age)

I think some of the mirror reflection was us as kids, which would explain why "time stopped" with him, the playfulness, his ability to relate so well to the school kids, and him tattling on me, and as a child would say "I'm not supposed to talk to you."
Both of us had dysfunctional families. Both of us pushed down our emotions. The adult becomes either narcisstic, selfish, doesn't need anyone (LO) or codependent--needy, giving (me).

LO didn't reject me because he was rejected also and he couldn't do that to someone else. He would be cold and aloof, but never rejecting. This made me lose my fear and be bold and aggressive with him. I couldn't be bold in my FOO.

LO triggered the emotions that were pushed down. Anger, frustration, sadness, powerlessness, jealousy....and with great intensity. I had a temper as a child....the emotions would snowball until something would trigger their release, resulting in a temper tantrum. I had NO temper with LE because those emotions were being expressed as they were felt at the moment. LO didn't get angry, he was passive aggressive -- used silent treatment instead.

I was stuck in the middle (between LO and his wife), just as I was between mom and dad.

I was the giver and LO was the taker. I was aware of this. "I don't get much back from him". That is why it's toxic.

I think LO never told me anything about how he truly felt because then he would appear needy and he has no needs because he is self-sufficient. The few times I saw some emotion from him was short in duration. It was happiness. But then he shut it down.
These glimpses of reciprocation were enough to continue to feed the Limerence.
52 years old, married for 26 years
LO is 53 years old, married for 7 years
LE is 20 months

JohnDeux
Posts: 1485
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: New Therapist

Post by JohnDeux » Wed Jun 14, 2017 4:30 pm

AMA210 wrote:
Wed Jun 14, 2017 1:35 am
I believe that LO and I were acting in the age range of a 10-12 year olds. (Emotional age)
.... the playfulness, his ability to relate so well to the school kids, and him tattling on me,...

I was stuck in the middle (between LO and his wife), just as I was between mom and dad.

.....The few times I saw some emotion from him was short in duration. It was happiness. But then he shut it down.
Starting from the last line, any chance that this would, in some vague way, reflect glimpses seen in your dad as well?....a brief happiness that would shut down? Or maybe that high-school LO?

Out of curiosity, don't recall if or how you may have answered a question that I posed some time ago....do you recall your mum being controlling from as far back as you can remember or did it seem to abruptly start at some point in your life?

AMA210
Posts: 1556
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: New Therapist

Post by AMA210 » Wed Jun 14, 2017 6:11 pm

@JD: "Starting from the last line, any chance that this would, in some vague way, reflect glimpses seen in your dad as well?....a brief happiness that would shut down? Or maybe that high-school LO?

Out of curiosity, don't recall if or how you may have answered a question that I posed some time ago....do you recall your mum being controlling from as far back as you can remember or did it seem to abruptly start at some point in your life?"

Yes, the only time my dad was truly happy was when he would visit with his brother and sister on the weekend or holidays. He would become almost "giddy". Maybe because he could be his true self and not be criticized. The college LO expressed more emotions. He told me I don't feel the same but we can hang out.

My mom was controlling as I recall events from age 5, definitely not an abrupt start. She was the oldest of 9 kds and her mom was sick a lot and died young, so all of that responsibility fell on her. So she had to be in control.
52 years old, married for 26 years
LO is 53 years old, married for 7 years
LE is 20 months

AMA210
Posts: 1556
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: New Therapist

Post by AMA210 » Tue Jul 25, 2017 8:37 pm

Group work update:

Been there about 7 weeks. I don't really care for the therapist/mediator. Not sure why.
Last night, mentioned Limerence--no one heard of it. Said a few things about the forum and therapist said it was like having an AA meeting in a bar. Surprised me a bit.

I have an appointment with therapist tomorrow. So depending on how that goes. I may take a break from this for a while. LO has moved out of the picture and although I am left with anger towards him, the OCD element is greatly improved.
52 years old, married for 26 years
LO is 53 years old, married for 7 years
LE is 20 months

Anna
Posts: 144
Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2017 11:15 pm

Re: New Therapist

Post by Anna » Wed Jul 26, 2017 5:56 am

AMA210 wrote:
Tue Jul 25, 2017 8:37 pm
Group work update:

Said a few things about the forum and therapist said it was like having an AA meeting in a bar. Surprised me a bit.
Where does the bar come from in our context? it's not like we are sitting here talking with our LOs present. The comparison is not correct in my opinion. It would perhaps be different, if they were joining the discussion.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest