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Pulling away

It seems limerence and other addictions stems from early life attachment wounds.
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townshend
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Pulling away

Post by townshend » Wed Aug 15, 2018 11:49 pm

Just thinking about how bad it feels when LO leaves.

One of the latest times I wasaround him it was a good ten minutes, no hits or anything but I hadn’t talked to him for awhile before that and it was just very easy and nice to be around him.

Then, he left.

After an appropriate length of time. No rejection. No lows. He just had to go and soon I had to as well.

But it felt bad. It was not a low, lows are very distinct, but I saw him getting up and internally I just thought “no.... please don’t go. I don’t want him to leave. no no no” and he did and it’s just like a sad, pulling away feeling. :ymsigh:

This compared to the relief, relaxed feeling of him being around. Once more, compared to the feeling of him clearly choosing to be near me.

That had to be tied into some attachment issues. Why would I feel like then when he leaves otherwise?
Like I know he represents certain things for me so I guess having him there is like an external embodiment of comfort, relief, security, safety, etc then he leaves and all that goes with him.

I’ve also been wondering why he’s been choosing to be around me on his own, unnecessarily for awhile now. And I wonder if it’s because I’ve been pulling away from him, trying to keep LC? I’m so anxious about it I can’t see the forest for the trees, I couldn’t even tell you if I’ve been pulling away more now than I ever was. Or is it because I’m there less often? But he’s always there when I am. Is it because he thinks I might be leaving? Why does he care...all of a sudden..or is it all of a sudden?

Anyway wondering if you all get that pulling away feeling from LO whether from rejection or them simply having to sensibly leave a room for something else and any insight into attachment issues that is..?
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman

mamasita
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Re: Pulling away

Post by mamasita » Thu Aug 16, 2018 3:26 pm

:ymhug:
I can relate, and it makes me think of separation anxiety. I am familiar with separation anxiety in terms of small children who cry when mom leaves. It is a panicked state. Which is how I feel when the LO leaves me as well. Also never having any idea when I will see him again really takes me low. Starts with the panic and then goes to a depression. I feel like this has to be traced back to feelings of abandonment. Your LO opens up those vulnerabilities within without meaning to, but somehow they are the proxy for your feeling. You feel like you want him, but you want to be comforted likely by a parent who left. Does any of that feel like it could be the case?

Spinnaker
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Re: Pulling away

Post by Spinnaker » Thu Aug 16, 2018 3:37 pm

Perfect description Mamasita. :o3 Hang in there Townshend. :ymhug:
Last edited by Spinnaker on Sun Oct 14, 2018 6:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

mamasita
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Re: Pulling away

Post by mamasita » Thu Aug 16, 2018 4:01 pm

Spinnaker wrote:
Thu Aug 16, 2018 3:37 pm
Perfect description Mamamista. :o3 Hang in there Toenshend. :ymhug:
I got the "proxy" thing from you :D it really hit home for me.

townshend
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Re: Pulling away

Post by townshend » Thu Aug 16, 2018 11:36 pm

Yes seperation anxiety was the thing I was thinking of like conceptually but could not think of the phrase for!
Thinking about it I was thinking it sounds/seems like an abandonment issue but I’ve never found that I had an issue with that specifically :-? My parents were divorced so I didn’t see my dad as much but I still saw him every weekend and I’ve never seen why other kids thought divorce was so tragic because my parents made that transition so seamlessly. I think I did have seperation anxiety from my mom when I first started school as well though.

I wonder if it could just be the seperation from all those feelings, etc I project on him rather than a mimicking of some past experience with abandonment or separation. Because for me at least that’s what it seems like.
Also maybe not past experience with this but like it happens because I didn’t get the things I project onto him so then he’s around and I get it when he leaves and in turn takes it away.
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman

townshend
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Re: Pulling away

Post by townshend » Fri Oct 12, 2018 11:48 pm

I like to tell myself everything he does means something and it might but it doesn’t matter and I’m not obsseively focusing on it and I’m not dragged way down deep into the anxiety of whether it means something extremely great or extremely meaningless (or bad) anymore. That’s good. And keeps getting better.

Today he ended up coming in the break room after me, sat right by me, didn’t need to, made some not so good jokes to the other guy in there/outloud (but I love him anyway), he started some casual convo so it went fine and then I left. I could see what’s less than charming about him, no hit, and I didn’t feel like that abandoned/pulling away feeling when I left?? Which was honestly so Weird to me how okay I felt and the reason I’m writing today. I thought yes it’s be nice to be around him again or longer but I didn’t Feel like it mattered and I moved on so easily. And walking out of there didn’t feel like I was tearing myself away and it wasn’t excruciating or regretful like it always is.
Other things have faded, haven’t been in the fog for awhile, etc but the pulling away is pretty much always there..today it wasn’t.

Later i went to the break room after trying to wait him out since I knew he had been back there but was sure he’s be gone by then, saw him off to the side when I got the the doorway, stopped dead in my tracks and immediately turned around. My first thought to myself was really like “I can’t do that” or “I’m not allowed to do that”. And I was fine yesterday not having even a hint of contact and the time went by very fast. Weird, again.

So Im out of the limerence fog. That’s great. But I am in a whole other one. Cannot keep my schedule or responsibilities straight. Don’t know what I’m doing.. ever.
I’m always foggy I feel like. But I think there’s some credence to saying when you lose a very specific focus, in my case an obsessive LE, everything gets foggier?...more foggy?
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman

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