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For Some Reason, I Feel Reluctant About Talking FOO

It seems limerence and other addictions stems from early life attachment wounds.
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Summertime_Radness
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For Some Reason, I Feel Reluctant About Talking FOO

Post by Summertime_Radness » Sat Mar 10, 2018 4:50 pm

To start off, I know I have some family issues and attachment wounds, but I feel very reluctant to examine these things and feel like I would be placing blame on people who either didn't know better or couldn't do better. Also, it feels so cliche to think that it all started with my childhood (or rather, in my case, 10 and up).

I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. Perhaps it is my ego or whatever's resistance to actually resolving my issues in a meaningful way.

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David
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Re: For Some Reason, I Feel Reluctant About Talking FOO

Post by David » Sat Mar 10, 2018 5:22 pm

This is a common reaction when first examining our FOO. I suspect because of our FOO and society's brainwashing to respect the cult of the family. The first 2 years of life (pre-verbal) are perhaps the most crucial as this is when the brain is growing the fastest. And yes, likely ego defence mechanisms at play.

Seeing our FOO for what it was is not necessarily blaming, its more about taking a step back and taking an objective view of its deficents and dysfunction. And therein lies the rub, being objective and dropping the projections first takes work.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Coaching / Therapy see http://www.limerence.net/coaching.html

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JohnDeux
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Re: For Some Reason, I Feel Reluctant About Talking FOO

Post by JohnDeux » Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:04 pm

Basically agreeing with David but taking a longer time to say it! :D ......

You are right that one can get mired in the blame-game when pondering these issues. I guess I like to separate out the blame part from the 'causality' part though....seems to be helpful in many cases and I like to use the following analogy.

Let's say you are embarking on a month-long vacation in the middle of summer....and at the last minute you ask your neighbor to water the flowers along the front of the house. Neighbor cheerily agrees and even confirms where the watering hose and spiggot are locate, leaving you to assume this neighbor knows what to do. When you are gone, neighbor dutifully strolls over, turns on the water, and splashes the plants with water for a few minutes, the turns off the water and departs. When you return home from vacation, you are aghast!---Your flowers are sadly wilted,....not dead, but quite stunted and struggling. You somewhat agitatedly ask your neighbor "What gives?!..." and neighbor is equally befuddled. Neighbor is not a gardener and from seeing others garden just followed the usual observation of splashing water on plants, not thinking about the fact that if the soil is bone dry, splashing the leaves of the plants will only be able to do so much. In the end, you go back to your own watering and your flowers recover.....sort of. There was *some* effect of not having given them proper watering and attention for that month and although recovery is partially.....and if lucky, maybe fully...possible, it's also possible they will not reach their full potential as you've seen them do in the past.

Is your neighbor to "blame" for what happened to your flowers? It all depends on how you view it, but a lot of assumption on the part of both parties went into the incident that resulted in wilted flowers. So my own feeling here is that perhaps there is no point in ascribing "blame", even though one can see "causality" in not watering the flowers. And the reason causility is worth considering is that it allows one to see what *kind* of deficits they may have had and how that might be approached either in professional therapy or self-help. For instance, if the maltreatment received from the caregivers was of a violent nature.....and those caregivers can be considered near blameless due to their own violent upbringings....then one can still treat themselves from the standpoint of having been subjected to violence, directly or indirectly, when considering a healing path. Conversely, if one was subjected to severe neglect, the treatment path would likely be different, since the "cause" of some of the maladjustment that one is feeling in their adult life may well go back to these early years of neglect.

Using this argument, you can just focus on the causality portion of what you endured while recognizing that the caregivers were doing what they could with the resources they themselves were given. This won't automatically vaporize one's anger at them....that may be a longer road, depending on the kinds of treatment received. But the focus on the damage done as a 'causal' factor in one's maladjustment can be seperated from the individuals who were charged with caring for you I feel. Hope this helps in some way......
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

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Re: For Some Reason, I Feel Reluctant About Talking FOO

Post by Summertime_Radness » Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:34 pm

David wrote:
Sat Mar 10, 2018 5:22 pm
This is a common reaction when first examining our FOO. I suspect because of our FOO and society's brainwashing to respect the cult of the family. The first 2 years of life (pre-verbal) are perhaps the most crucial as this is when the brain is growing the fastest. And yes, likely ego defence mechanisms at play.

Seeing our FOO for what it was is not necessarily blaming, its more about taking a step back and taking an objective view of its deficents and dysfunction. And therein lies the rub, being objective and dropping the projections first takes work.
The 'cult of the family', I like that. I wish this wasn't so hard. I realized that I may be more codependent than I thought, and that I've been harboring a rescue fantasy for a long time, perhaps even before my parent's divorce. It sounds so dull and boring when you realize that you have to rescue yourself. It doesn't give you the same comfort that your Rescue Fantasy does.

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Re: For Some Reason, I Feel Reluctant About Talking FOO

Post by LisaTranscending » Sat Mar 10, 2018 7:10 pm

Summertime_Radness wrote:
Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:34 pm
It sounds so dull and boring when you realize that you have to rescue yourself. It doesn't give you the same comfort that your Rescue Fantasy does.
this seems true and I believed that for a very long time, too... but ....a fantasy is just escape ...and there's no real potential for rescue, since it's based in non-reality.

but....a self rescue is realistic and possible.

and that lovely analogy that John drew out about recovering from childhood wounds and flowers being watered or neglected, could be fitting here too in another kind of analogy. instead of waiting for someone else to come along and water the flower that lives in you, why not water it yourself? @};-

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Re: For Some Reason, I Feel Reluctant About Talking FOO

Post by L-F » Sat Mar 10, 2018 7:24 pm

Blaming someone is like being stuck in the drama triangle. The aim is to step away from it [the drama].

The rescue fantasy = consciously choosing to remain asleep.

Its really up to you what you do. No one here will force you to do anything. All we can do is provide information, support and encouragement.
I don't think inside the box.
I don't think outside of it either.
In my world, the box doesn't exist.
LF

Summertime_Radness
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Re: For Some Reason, I Feel Reluctant About Talking FOO

Post by Summertime_Radness » Sat Mar 10, 2018 7:52 pm

Well, I *know* I need to do this, because it will keep happening and potentially get worse. I know it has very little to do with my LO of the past three years, even if it feels like it has *everything* to do with him.

I realized recently that I've been carrying baggage from an emotionally abusive boyfriend I had in middle school, and it's been roughly nine years since that relationship ended. I'm definitely over *him*, but a lot of the unhealthy behaviors that I've engaged in during subsequent Limerent episodes seemed to have started with that relationship. Yeah, I got over the guy, but I didn't take the time to unlearn those behaviors. And in a weird way, it's like I'm still in that relationship, though we've been pretty much NC for nine years. Funny how that can work.

I ordered 'Obsessive Love' by Susan Forward, which I've been wanting to read for YEARS, but finally ordered on Amazon last night. It's not supposed to come until Monday, though, so I can't read it just yet.

I have a list of self-help/personal growth books I want to get in the next few months, ranging on topics such as power and emotional intelligence. Because let's face it, I must have a pretty low EQ :)).

I started meditating last year, which helped me become aware of these issues and get out of my head a bit. I guess this year is going to be me doing the actual work.

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