Rescue Fantasy

It seems limerence and other addictions stems from early life attachment wounds.
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french girl
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Joined: Wed Feb 03, 2016 3:48 pm

Rescue Fantasy

Post by french girl » Mon Jun 05, 2017 10:01 am

Reading the topic Feel very protective about LO ? , I looked for things about the rescue fantasy, which is called "Parental Rescue Fantasy" in an article David wrote on the FAQ's part of the site, Limerence fast track cure.
David wrote:If we want to deal with our limerence, we need to deal with their early life attachment wounds. The limerence is only a symptom. Limerence and romantic love is a reenactment of the Parental Rescue Fantasy (PRF).
I tried to find things on the net to read about that, as I think it represents a big part of my limerence problem.

I have been severely limerent for three years, but before that, I had numerous crushes over random guys, that I used just to distract me from my unsatisfying life.
I always had rescue fantasies about this crushes : I didn't want them to rescue me, (apparently), it was just the other way around.
I wanted to rescue them, to comfort them.
As I learned more about psychoanalysis and psychology, I finally understood that it was probably just an inversion, and it was the desire that someone comfort me and rescue me which was expressed this way.
But it seems I'm not able to express this directly in my fantasies : it's always the other way around. Which is totaly unrealistic, as I'm not the kind of girl who is eager to help others, not the least. (that's probably why I finally realized it really had to be an inversion)
So LO and all these crushes before represent just the part of me which crave to be saved.

As I haven't found much informations about the "rescue fantasy" yet, and as I still fail to understand exactly what it is about, I was just wondering if other people were interested in this part of the problem.
« Love is giving something you don't have to someone who doesn't want it. » Jacques Lacan

JohnDeux
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Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Rescue Fantasy

Post by JohnDeux » Mon Jun 05, 2017 6:10 pm

french girl wrote:
Mon Jun 05, 2017 10:01 am
But it seems I'm not able to express this directly in my fantasies : it's always the other way around. Which is totaly unrealistic, as I'm not the kind of girl who is eager to help others, not the least. (that's probably why I finally realized it really had to be an inversion)
So LO and all these crushes before represent just the part of me which crave to be saved.

....., I was just wondering if other people were interested in this part of the problem.
I would just suggest that a rescue fantasy which involves you as the rescuer is an emotional-psychological mechanism to place you in a position of power....of being the rescuer, not the rescued. As you astutely noted, you are generally someone who does not go out of their way to help others, a tendency I also share in this regard....so being the rescuer in the fantasy is not so much based in your own reality. But if you can tap into a feeling of once having been...or continuing to be....in a position or situation of powerlessness, then it makes sense that your fantasies would revolve around being the powerful one.....the one who *does* the rescuing, not the one in need of rescue. As such it may be covering....hiding....a strong desire to be rescued: "Now that I have rescued you, please reciprocate and rescue me!....". Even outside of my two LE's I can recognize that mutual rescue was at work in pairing up with my SO. That fact that this ability to rescue each other was a fantasy has been a large cause of our discord later in the marriage.

french girl
Posts: 138
Joined: Wed Feb 03, 2016 3:48 pm

Re: Rescue Fantasy

Post by french girl » Tue Jun 06, 2017 9:12 pm

Thank you John for your insight, it's helpful.
JohnDeux wrote:
Mon Jun 05, 2017 6:10 pm
Even outside of my two LE's I can recognize that mutual rescue was at work in pairing up with my SO. That fact that this ability to rescue each other was a fantasy has been a large cause of our discord later in the marriage.
You mean one of you didn't agree it's just a fantasy ? (if you don't mind me asking ?)

In my rescue fantasies, I'm so used being the rescuer that I have trouble imagining me as the rescued one. But I know it would be far more realistic !
I even wonder how people can dream about being rescued in their own fantasies : I spent my whole life daydreaming about being the rescuer, so I doubt people can get satisfaction from being the rescued one in their own daydreams. Maybe it's just a matter of point of view, though. The angle from which the scene is shot.

In fact, I couldn't seem to find a lot of things about "parental rescue fantasy" with Google, but I realized I forgot to look on the french part of the internet. #-o Which is silly, because anything concerning psychoanalysis should be easy to find on french sites... Too late for today but I'm going to read about those things when I have more time.
« Love is giving something you don't have to someone who doesn't want it. » Jacques Lacan

JohnDeux
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Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Rescue Fantasy

Post by JohnDeux » Tue Jun 06, 2017 11:04 pm

french girl wrote:
Tue Jun 06, 2017 9:12 pm
JohnDeux wrote:
Mon Jun 05, 2017 6:10 pm
Even outside of my two LE's I can recognize that mutual rescue was at work in pairing up with my SO. That fact that this ability to rescue each other was a fantasy has been a large cause of our discord later in the marriage.
i) You mean one of you didn't agree it's just a fantasy ? (if you don't mind me asking ?)

ii) In my rescue fantasies, I'm so used being the rescuer that I have trouble imagining me as the rescued one.

iii) In fact, I couldn't seem to find a lot of things about "parental rescue fantasy" with Google, but I realized I forgot to look on the french part of the internet. #-o Which is silly, because anything concerning psychoanalysis should be easy to find on french sites... Too late for today but I'm going to read about those things when I have more time.
Re: i) Actually, it's part of our problem that we just don't discuss intimate issues. Sure, many, MANY couples would have split a long time ago rather than live the way we do, but I know of as many couples who stay together through worse....doesn't make it good or right, just is what it is at this point. So more specifically, we've never addressed-- in rational, calm conversation---what we thought we meant to each other, short of much earlier musings in the relationship on things we generally liked about each other. The mutual rescue view came out really through my own self-analysis (on what I was seeking in SO) as well as deciphering over a few decades, the kinds of things she valued in my earlier approach to the partnership and how that mirrored glowing things she would say about her father (who died when she was rather young). So having realized my own deeper motivations for my attraction to her and constructing through the years sense of her motivations for her attraction to me, "mutual rescue" would be a hard one to discount in this case. As a part of this deciphering, she has openly stated that moving to the rural setting that we did was like "coming home" to the rural childhood that she grew up in and felt to have left a large part of herself in that setting....back before her father died.

ii) Just to prod this a bit more.....I was curious that even though you can't imagine yourself in a fantasy as the "rescued", do you have remembered instances, or those recalled by another party to you (parent or relative relaying remembrances of you before your conscious memory was available), of having felt powerless in your life? To a certain extent in our civilized lives, we all have a bit of a sense of being "subjects to the power of the system", but I'm thinking about, for instance, being in a home where you had no say in how you were being treated. Anything here?

iii) I think Mackler uses that term mostly..??...but David may be able to direct you to information on that as well. FWIW, Annie Roger's "The Unsayable: The Hidden Language of Trauma" was a first introduction to me of Jacques Lacan....seems like an interesting icon who is less well known in the US. The book is not about rescue fantasy per se, but is more about the contortions that one's psyche can go through in trying to resolve feelings of self/other rescue, something Rogers autobiographically details in the book and often involving religious deities. In case it stirs up anything of interest, an compelling review of that book appeared here: https://writhesafely.wordpress.com/2006 ... yt-review/

Edited to add, I wonder if a "being the rescuer" fantasy doesn't always in some way *imply* being rescued if it is juxtaposed with a real life with which we feel in any way less or incompetent. By immersing oneself in rescuer fantasy, one is ever in a state of total, in-control competence....thereby rescuing, inadvertently and indirectly, that side of us that we hold to be less competent......(?).

french girl
Posts: 138
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Re: Rescue Fantasy

Post by french girl » Wed Jun 07, 2017 6:01 pm

JohnDeux wrote:
Tue Jun 06, 2017 11:04 pm
do you have remembered instances (...) of having felt powerless in your life?
Well, let me think... Like, all the time ??
There are things in which I may feel competent, but mainly, I'm maladjusted to life. I spent my childhood feeling inadequate, ant it didn't really get better growing up. I'm basically a forty years old child, so yes, I feel powerless most of the time. I miraculously found a job and a SO, but it didn't persuaded me completely that I belong (almost persuaded me, though, it's not that bad =:) )

So I guess you're right, I use these rescue fantasies where I'm the rescuer to compensate the sense of helplessness. I've always used those fantasies to comfort and soothe me... Generally, it involves a crush, and now it's LO.

And those boys I'm rescuing in my fantasies represent a part of me that I try to save, the problem being just identifying which part of me needs this rescue, what things I projected upon them and what they symbolize in these fantasies... And what to do about it... 8-|

Because I understand that having always exactly the same kind of fantasies/daydreaming for forty years is not constructive nor a sign of being on the path of spiritual evolution ...

Thank you for the book advices, John, it looks interesting. I'm going to look at it.
Last edited by french girl on Wed Jun 07, 2017 6:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
« Love is giving something you don't have to someone who doesn't want it. » Jacques Lacan

JohnDeux
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Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: Rescue Fantasy

Post by JohnDeux » Wed Jun 07, 2017 6:11 pm

french girl wrote:
Wed Jun 07, 2017 6:01 pm
I spent my childhood feeling inadequate, ant it didn't really get better growing up. I'm basically a forty years old child, so yes, I feel powerless most of the time.
Certainly no shame in feeling that given the family and other life situations that we can end up in....just the way the dice are thrown and we have to start our journey from somewhere. But I think it's a good start to make this connection and lay some groundwork for moving beyond the need for those fantasies. And indeed, it's likely that they will slowly recede to take a back seat in your life as you do make improvements, slowly, along that path of your spiritual evolution.

Urrrgh...your Lacan quotation, if I'm interpreting it right....Ouch! :-s

french girl
Posts: 138
Joined: Wed Feb 03, 2016 3:48 pm

Re: Rescue Fantasy

Post by french girl » Wed Jun 07, 2017 7:47 pm

JohnDeux wrote:
Wed Jun 07, 2017 6:11 pm
Urrrgh...your Lacan quotation
I was vaguely looking for a quote to use as a signature, and reading your message mentioning Lacan reminded me of this one.

I like this quote, it sounds a lot like a humorous one. In fact, I have even seen this quote in a book where it was falsely attributed to a french humorist.
But I can understand one can consider this quote pessimistic.

Considering the problem I have here with the rescue fantasy, the quote makes me think about what could happen :

me talking to LO, telling him "I just wanted to help you !" :o3

and LO answering : "How could you help me, you miserable misfit ? You're not even able to help yourself !"

Me trying to give the help I don't have to LO who wants none of it.
(anyway, LO seems to believe he is perfect, so of course he doesn't need any help)
« Love is giving something you don't have to someone who doesn't want it. » Jacques Lacan

JupiterTaco
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Re: Rescue Fantasy

Post by JupiterTaco » Thu Jun 29, 2017 2:49 am

I've had a mixture of both fantasies in my life, rescuing and being rescued. Although to be honest when I started having fantasies of being rescued by my LO a few years ago, it was because I really needed to be rescued...by me. I just didn't know it at the time.
"Between the velvet lies, there's a truth as hard as steel"-Dio, Holy Diver

gottagetoveryou
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Re: Rescue Fantasy

Post by gottagetoveryou » Sun Jul 02, 2017 11:01 pm

yes, yes, YES! I am often the savior/hero in my limerent fantasies.

For one thing, it puts me in a position where I am doing something important, which I don't do in real life but desperately wish I did. And secondly, it kind of creates this reason for my LO to be indebted to me or to admire me somehow.

But you're absolutely right, I think it manifests this way but the real person we want to save is ourselves. It's very interesting how we invert it, isn't it? I'll bring this up to my therapist next session and see what he has to say about it.

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