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- Joined: Sun Apr 10, 2016 3:08 pm
I’m writing this letter just to open up about my feelings. You were the perfect one and I’ve waited for you. But I’ve finally grow up and I realized you are a fantasy. I thought I was old enough and strong enough to let you go. So I let you go. But then after letting you go, I found out that I was very fragile and lonely on the inside. I felt like I needed you. But you are gone forever. I let you go. Good bye now.
I’m currently grieving over my loss. I’ve had you since I was a child. You were there during my worst moments. Those moments were the time I felt misunderstood or when I felt nobody cared about me or my feelings. You were there. You understood. But then you are an illusion I created to protect myself. So I let you go. Now, I had doubts in my mind whether I would be able to carry on alone without you by myself. I’ve carried out that way for a more than a year now and so far I’ve survived.
Since you were gone, I’ve grown spiritually and felt closer to God. But then sometimes during my darkest nights, I felt emptiness unbearable. I tried to find solace in existence and see the world moving and emotions rolling and felt that there must be a Creator otherwise there is no answer for why everything exist in the first place. Why there is something instead of nothing. That is the only thing that carried me through. There is Light inside of me that accompany through utter darkness.
I went to visit my past. Every emotional memory about being ignored or dismissed or misunderstood or neglected I tried to revisit. It is painful. But I tried to visit one by one and went through the pain. So far I’ve survived. It’s very uncomfortable and painful. But it has so far failed to kill me. I will take them piece by piece. I’ve discovered I could let myself face them, even without you by my side. I was plagued with constant anxiety, I was a scared lil child without you by my side. But then there is another side of me that’s also a grown up. The grown up in my hold the lil child in me, and together we will revisit the past and face the negative emotions together. We are doing okay even without you , LO.
Goodbye for now. I feel I do not need you anymore. I feel I was so immersed in the fantasy until I couldn’t distinguish what was fantasy what was reality anymore. I projected you into a real person which made me fall in love with him. He became my perfect ‘God’ – the answer to all my emotional needs, the reciprocation I so much deserved. But I knew now he isn’t. I’m thankful now that the rose colored glass is broken. I plunged deep into anxiety and depression. But at least, I live in truth. I owe it to God, to myself, to my husband, to my family and to society to live in truth.
Bye fantasy. I will be okay. Thank you for protecting me for the last 28 years. I know you aren’t perfect, like a temporary band-aid that I felt sometimes halt healing instead of helping the wound heals. And I got infection because of the band aid. So with the help of supportive people, I opened the band aid. Now the wounds are really sore and raw without your protection. But at least it’s going to dry out soon and heal with time. There will be scar, yes. I don’t mind the scar. Good bye for now.
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