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Shadows and Winning at all Costs.

Discuss your experiences about narcissism and relationships with narcissists here.
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Acrobatica
Posts: 464
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Shadows and Winning at all Costs.

Post by Acrobatica » Tue Sep 25, 2018 3:41 pm

So I have been reading up on narcissistic relationships lately, because I see a pattern in my LOs.

And in doing this reading, I kept identifying a lot of my own behavior. I understand the game of triangulation deeply - my mother (Borderline) triangulated us as children all the time. I won it. I forged deep alliances with my sisters against her. We told each other what she said about us. We raised one another. I made a life and a career for myself that was immune to devaluation - lots of outward achievement. (On this forum, I marvel at how many are lawyers - it seems to be the profession one goes into if they need outward validation and thrive in the dynamics of competition and human misery). And when I got the job I had been working towards my whole life, I realized that there was no place to go from there (not because it is the top, far from it, but because there is no path for advancement from that job), and I started doing circus. That was supposed to be a place where I could just suck and enjoy a hobby. (I was really bad for a long time.) But I turned that into an obsessive competition too.

And I realized that I have the narc trait of viewing relationships as competitions to be won or lost. And so when I run up against someone who may also have these traits as well, in a domain I care about, and they start competing with me, I get stuck. I have to win. And I think that gets mixed in with a lot of deep insecurity, and need to be admired, and, if its an attractive man (I am now identifying lots of women I play these games with) lust, lust, lust. And the competition in the domain, gets mixed in with winning the relationship. I need to be the one who is admired and valued. I need to be the one in power. And if you start playing power games with me, I am in my element, I have been honing these skills since I was 4, and I will play them right back. And limerence for me happens when I come up against a "worthy adversary" who is playing this game. (I don't think I play these games with everyone, just people who play them with me.)

So, this realization is big for me. And "winning" a relationship is a meaningless concept, though it has occupied and shaped much of my life. I realized that it is exhausting and I don't want to compete anymore. I just want to do the things that I love for the sake of loving it. I want to be with other people for the sake of enjoying being with other people. I want to be a useful member of society, a good teacher, a loving parent, and an artist who makes people think about the brevity and preciousness of existence. I want to do that for me, not to protect myself from being devalued by my mother. Not to win any relationship with past LOs. And understanding this felt like I had unloaded a bunch of bricks from my pocket that I forgot I had been carrying around. Not cured of limerence yet. I think this itch to compete will always be there. But I have at least recognized it as an exhausting waste of time.

Spinnaker
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Re: Shadows and Winning at all Costs.

Post by Spinnaker » Tue Sep 25, 2018 5:50 pm

Such a waste of time. :-bd
Last edited by Spinnaker on Wed Sep 26, 2018 6:19 am, edited 2 times in total.

Maddie
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Re: Shadows and Winning at all Costs.

Post by Maddie » Tue Sep 25, 2018 6:44 pm

I can very much relate, Acro. In my life, I don't know where it came from.....but I can see that a lot of this LE has been about me trying to win a losing game....
39, F
LO, 50 , M
Mental health is an ongoing commitment to reality at all costs-- (M Scott Peck)

LostAgain
Posts: 355
Joined: Wed Feb 08, 2017 11:17 am
Great Britain

Re: Shadows and Winning at all Costs.

Post by LostAgain » Tue Sep 25, 2018 6:45 pm

Acro,are you saying us lawyers are shmucks.
I will sue your sorry ass off.

Acrobatica
Posts: 464
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 6:02 pm
France

Re: Shadows and Winning at all Costs.

Post by Acrobatica » Tue Sep 25, 2018 7:26 pm

LostAgain wrote:
Tue Sep 25, 2018 6:45 pm
Acro,are you saying us lawyers are shmucks.
I will sue your sorry ass off.
I’ll drag you to hell and back with ridiculous discovery requests and Rule 11 sanctions if you try. :)) :))

Ivanhoe
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Re: Shadows and Winning at all Costs.

Post by Ivanhoe » Wed Sep 26, 2018 5:38 am

Lost Again doesn’t understand Rule 11, being British.
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

Idiotic
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Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: Shadows and Winning at all Costs.

Post by Idiotic » Wed Sep 26, 2018 7:37 am

I can relate to this. For me it's not competitiveness(maybe it is competitiveness), but more of insecurity. If someone is very similar to me, even superficially , I get a mini existential crisis every time. By similar I mean in the style and nature of pursuing something. A person can be good at what they do, and they may be better than me in my field I don't feel threatened if we are different, but if that person's way of going about things is very similar to mine then I question everything. Like why do I even exist if there is a better copy ! Lol =)) .
It's silly and comes from my lack of self assurance, the feeling of being enough, cos validation was only given if you proved your usefulness.
As with everything, I'm learning to get it in control, and it also helps getting to familiarize yourself with such a person, you begin to notice important differences, which is a relief.
I'm not sure I would do very well if I had a clone!
"It's either you or me buddy!"
Boy...youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight, a long time - Golden Slumbers(The Beatles)

LostAgain
Posts: 355
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Great Britain

Re: Shadows and Winning at all Costs.

Post by LostAgain » Wed Sep 26, 2018 5:41 pm

=)) =)) Rule 11

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