If your parent and spouse is a narc...

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If your parent and spouse is a narc...

Post by Spinnaker » Tue Dec 05, 2017 11:51 pm

....read this and see if it applies to your LE, too. I'm trying to understand why I put up with so much abuse by my SO and still with my mother.

Today I was contemplating whether a part of me is subconsciously wanting to punish SO for years of verbal abuse. This article didn't answer my question, but I found the information is valuable.

https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the- ... ishes-you/

"When we are hooked up in narcissistic abuse (in our “normal” life of gauging things from the “outside in”) our real life experiences tell us that this person, the narcissist, is brutalising us like our worst enemy – relentlessly and manically. As if this person is taking incredible pleasure doing so … and for whatever reason he or she won’t let up.

We also have the compounding horror that
we seem to be trapped in this! Why can’t we walk away? We can’t we leave? And even if we have physically we can’t seem to emotionally. And why do we keep getting drawn back in time and time again?

If we are honest with ourselves we know that the torture in some crazy way extends to the way we are torturing ourselves.

But is that it? Is that the whole picture, or is there something more going on here?

I promise you the deep exploration of this question: what can you learn from the narcissist’s punishment? is the Thriver Model, and it is a fundamental key to recovery – the understanding of how much the narcissist is in fact the messenger of something deeper that we need to understand.

In this article I am going to share with you the deeper truths about what we can learn and heal from the hideous torture, and how this bears incredible gifts.

How Narcissists Target Wounds
Narcissists connect with you deeply – or so it seems. And this is exactly how a narcissist needs to operate, because they fear people. You see narcissists are hugely insecure, they have fragile egos, they don’t trust others, and their beliefs and behaviours are very egoic (outer survival based) and steeped in fear, competition, lack and neediness.

This means that narcissists need to control others. Somewhere in their past they learnt that their True Self was not adequate to get its needs met, and what was required to not be emotionally annihilated was a False Self – a buffer – that could pretend to be someone who the narcissist is not and manipulate, deceive and avoid accountability. The False Self defences are this: “If I control you, you can’t hurt me again”.

This is the replay of original childhood wounds, this time as a more equipped and practiced adult, using tactics to survive from the terror of the alive and festering wounds inside the narcissist – wounds of childhood neglect, abuse or enmeshment.

(It is vital to understand that old unhealed stuff is KEY in regard to anyone’s destructive, self-destructive, unwholesome or unhealthy behaviour. And I really want you to absorb that statement, because then you can understand exactly how that has played out for you.)

Therefore the narcissist needs to “know thy enemy” – anyone close to him or her. The narcissist gets to know you intimately, and in order to gather information he or she asks questions and listens attentively, to find your weakspots.

The narcissist knows that by hitting these weakspots that you are crippled emotionally and this causes you to hand power over by regressing into reactivity and helplessness and powerlessness.

The narcissist discovered the following at a very early age – deliver low blows that are people’s “chinks” and you can control them.

And it works every time, because when we have our own unhealed, unfinished childhood business we become “that child” emotionally in the fray. We try to make the narcissist change his or her opinion of us. We try to get them to “take it back”, and we try to make him or her “get” how wrong that statement / behaviour / action was.

We pretend we are the parent trying to get a narcissist to behave like a mature, respectful adult and be “decent”.

But that is NOWHERE near the REAL truth …

This is the truth … Oh boy this is the truth …

The TRUTH is we have regressed back to the child at the age of our unhealed wounds, and we are assigning the narcissist as the parent to FIX it this time.

This is how this works in our subconscious … “Mum you gave me a hard time from seven years of age about being fat. Now (Narc) I have assigned you as the person replaying what my mother did and I am going to cling to you relentlessly so that this time “Mum” can stop hurting me!”

Whoa – do you understand???

You need to, because it changes everything.

This is the TRUTH of what is playing out – you are bonded to the narcissist trying to fix what Mum did to you when you were seven, and the narcissist is getting an incredible feed of narcissistic supply from you whilst you remain trauma bonded.

This goes for every weakspot that the narcissist is hammering you with. Think about it, and you will start connecting the dots and realising how true this is.

Please understand, it’s not like the average narcissist is a “psychologist” and knows how this works and what is really going on. Unconsciousness is unconsciousness, and unconsciousness means, “I have no idea what I am generating with Life (personal responsibility) or what is really going on with my OWN consciousness (emotional and spiritual health).”

The narcissist is not likely to understand his or her wounded childhood plight let alone yours, but does know how to hook you and get narcissistic supply – as well as punish you to avoid his or her own dysfunctions (painful inner landscape) by lining you up, projecting his or her self-loathing on to you and making you become the “wrong” and “crazy” one.

This is where perpetual victims who are very unconscious go into overdrive. They play the righteous “parent” against the narcissist – they fight back, join Groups, spew damnation, research and share everything they can about narcissists trying to call them out and expose them.

But despite all their highly charged efforts they can never hold the narcissist accountable, they never feel vindicated and they don’t get better.

The reason being – they are NOT meant to heal that way …

Because that orientation is a completely wrong turn away from our healing and only creates a deeper cementing into victimisation.

Missing the Message or Getting it
The Victim Model creates ongoing trauma, powerlessness and blaming the narcissist.

In all my years helping people Thrive after narcissistic abuse, I have never seen one person operating in this model get better. In stark contrast I have seen them just get addicted to information about abusers, and joining in with other people who are also obsessed with finding out and sharing everything they can about narcissists.
*WHICH IS WHY we need to dig deep and find out why we strayed and became limerent.... not just whine and blame.

From a Higher Perspective, as well as my own personal journey and sharing liberation with thousands of others, I know exactly why they are not getting better – because they are not working with the truth.

Here is the absolute truth: We created at soul level contracts for these people to come into our lives.

Now there is the ultimate statement that will make people really want to crucify me! And that’s okay, because I’ve heard it all before … things like “Melanie, you are telling me I CHOSE this? How DARE you say that!”

Yes I am saying it’s true … not consciously of course, no-one would from the limited human logical perspective choose to be abused by a narcissist. What I totally do know, however, is that at a Higher Soul Level we wish to evolve and there is no better way to evolve ourselves than to be pushed into the density of darkness to be forced to transcend it and come out released into the light.

It’s a journey of “Return To Love” – it’s a journey of releasing ourselves from the illusions of fear, pain, separation and judgements and coming face to face with our wounds (that were originally unconscious) of not being self-partnered and self-loving which were holding us back from an expanded life experience.

I promise you if you were born into a family of narcissists this is a soul-journey. You are not just evolving “this life”. We are born with existing emotional / belief system DNA, generational DNA, past-life unresolved trauma etc.

There is a Higher Reason for all of it, and the best way to “get the message delivered” of what we need to heal within ourselves is to have someone else bring these wounds forth for us in such a way that we cannot ignore them anymore.

THAT person is a narcissist. Garden variety abusers aren’t so heartless, exact or punishing, and often we miss those messages.

Narcissists do it more powerfully than any other person, and their incredible purpose as a False Self is to NOT STOP delivering the torture until you get the message.

And there is no other solution to your narcissistic abuse experience of personal higher evolution other than healing your wounds that they are exposing for you, because you can’t beat a narcissist with logical defences, righteousness, blaming, trying to expose them, researching more about them or joining groups that demonise them.

And you certainly cannot free yourself from the torture of your inner wounds which have been hammered and activated. That’s what all the symptoms of C-PTSD etc is … I promise you … it’s your unhealed, disowned wounds eating you alive – the wounds that only you can turn to.

The truth is this … You can’t heal any other way than to “get the message” – because this isn’t about the narcissist – it is about healing your own wounds.

When you receive the message and heal those original wounds I promise you “the messenger” (the narcissist) does not need to be in your reality anymore, at all, let alone abusing you.
"Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
– Carl Gustav Jung

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Re: If your parent and spouse is a narc...

Post by JohnDeux » Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:34 am

Spinnaker wrote:
Tue Dec 05, 2017 11:51 pm

Today I was contemplating whether a part of me is subconsciously wanting to punish SO for years of verbal abuse. This article didn't answer my question, but I found the information is valuable.

The TRUTH is we have regressed back to the child at the age of our unhealed wounds, and we are assigning the narcissist as the parent to FIX it this time.
Just my own take and experience here that will be an amalgam between the two thoughts above. We pair up with a narcissist not only because we want to "re-enact" as some false-hope grasp to get a better outcome than before, but also because, as you may be sensing within yourself, we want to punish them in a way that we could not punish our parent(s). MUCH easier to punish a spouse/partner that we feel has betrayed us than to punish a parent on whom our very life depended. So in this regard, your SO's verbal abuse, nasty though it may be or have been, provides the excuse to go for the jugular. The life you *really* want to be holding in your hand is that of the abusive caregiver.....but.....you know...."HOW DARE YOU!"
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

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Re: If your parent and spouse is a narc...

Post by FreeBird » Tue Dec 12, 2017 2:26 am

I'm on board with everything Melanie wrote, Spinnaker. So is my next step listing the wounds and tackling them one by one? I want to "get the message" once and for all. I don't want to carry this load into my next phase of life. I want to release it to the four winds.
The artist formerly known as limerent-JohnDeux B-)
Me: middle-aged MW
LO: middle-aged MM w/children, good friend of FOO (deceased)
LE: started age 16

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Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2016 7:25 am

Re: If your parent and spouse is a narc...

Post by Spinnaker » Tue Dec 12, 2017 5:25 am

Thank you for succinctly explaining the core emotion creating this dynamic. B-)

Thank you both for seeing the value in this topic. :D


I'm excited for you to be moving forward to this step in your journey....like really happy for you!!! \:D/

I think David or others who have done this inner work can guide you best and say where to start. What I can say which parlays with the article, is that the work should be led by a professional. I find the forum to be a binding ingredient in my healing process and the interaction and comraterie keeps me motivated to seek change and healing. I am in therapy weekly.

What I have learned in participating and reading the forum, is progression in limerence seems to be contingent upon the individual being self-aware. Self awareness comes very slowly for someone like me who scored medium high-ish on the narc scale. I had days in which I would admit my flaws and go straight back to my comfort zone and avoid facing them. So I tried to be the good student in class and turned in all my homework, but kept screwing up on the tests. This cycle can go on for months, but eventually I threw my hands up and said, "No hiding or covering up who I am." I laid it ALL on the table. Yeah, before I was a "sneaky narc" ot "victim" who gave 80% truth, leaving out my role in the dysfunction or just plain ego and disbelief... I didn't fool many people but it sure slowed down my progress! THEN, we start putting the puzzle back together.

I'm not there yet. Avoidance is my struggle.
In fact, I have 2 books which are so hard to read because I don't want to face all of my demons. I get sleepy when I read them as if I'm shutting down. The truth is I NEED to read one of the books because it highlights aspects of being hurt by the people I love (SO and my Mom) due to their narcissism. I've admit most of my own, but it pains me more to reflect on their control etc... The other focuses attachment. Who wants to be reminded they were ignored, punished harshly and pretty much married their mother? I can't figure out if putting the books in plain sight on my bedside table is a positive reminder to pick one up or some sadistic torture I inflict upon myself. Half joking there. x_x I don't think pain is my comfort zone.... But who knows, maybe I'll discover that it is next month. %-(

Limerence fed my narcissistic need for attention. It was a feel good distraction from my real problems, too. When the rubber hits the road we are using self awareness and the tools we learn along the arduous journey through limerence and beyond to discover who we are meant to be. Once we get a taste of self love, it starts to fall in place... or so I hear. O:-)
"Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
– Carl Gustav Jung

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