Deja Vu all over again

Discuss your experiences about narcissism and relationships with narcissists here.
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FreeBird
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Deja Vu all over again

Post by FreeBird » Thu Aug 31, 2017 5:55 am

For the past two months, going through limerence has led me to realize that I can no longer ignore the real issues I need to unpack: my fear of rejection, fear of being invalidated, and basic lack of trust in people. I was raised by a narcissistic mother who was emotionally abusive. Our relationship sadly remained strained even until her death. I believe that she loved me in her way and she did her best to take care of me, but she could never get beyond her own emotional wounds. I need to own my own crap as well.

The reason why I titled this thread Deja Vu all over again because I now see why I get so deeply wounded and quickly triggered by narcissists (like the women at work). I see the demon for what it is. I want to start the healing process now. I know it won't be easy, but it is vitally important to my well-being.

At the end of all this, I want to be in a place of acceptance of who my mother was: a flawed human being like myself, forgive her then forgive myself, not to live in fear of rejection from others, and exercise patience and compassion.

And for my LO: I release you from your position of being my knight in shining armor and my magical other. In my mind, you have regained your plain, given name :ymparty: . You get to be the nice man you are and someone I enjoy seeing occasionally, but I don't want to need you anymore. If mentally I have a minor slip now and then, don't worry, I won't let it last. I have a lot of work to do within myself and you bear no responsibility in that. I love you for who you were for me in the past and for who you are now. :-*
"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing."-Blaise Pascal
Me/LS: middle-aged, married woman
LO: middle-aged, married man with children
LE: L developed around age 12. LO was good friend of my FOO, now deceased.

JellyBean
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Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am

Re: Deja Vu all over again

Post by JellyBean » Thu Aug 31, 2017 11:12 am

Beautiful insight FreeBird.

Sorry to read of your mother and your relationship with her. Yes... in a weird way, limerence sets us free.

It's nice when we can let LO be who they have always been - a normal human being with their own likes, flaws and family.

The pain comes when we realize exactly what we projected onto them, and not always with their permission.

JupiterTaco
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Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm

Re: Deja Vu all over again

Post by JupiterTaco » Sat Sep 02, 2017 6:11 am

I can relate, FreeBird. To this day I still feel the pull of my toxic patterns. I still want to go back and keep trying with people who either weren't good for me, didn't value me, etc. because of the discouragement people get to not be alone in any way. I fear that the best days I had to put this to rest and finally change the patterns and form healthy relationships with other people is passed for me and I hate that feeling. But I can't blame my mother. She's a product of her own upbringing and inner wounds. Sorry to hear about your relationship with your mother. I believe mine will be the same way.
"Between the velvet lies, there's a truth as hard as steel"-Dio, Holy Diver

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FreeBird
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Re: Deja Vu all over again

Post by FreeBird » Sat Sep 02, 2017 10:03 pm

Thanks again JB and JT! I appreciate your wisdom and encouragement as always! Thanks for "coming along for the ride", so to speak. It's good to know we are not alone.

I'm trying hard not to live with regrets of "what might have been" with my mother. For whatever reason, I was destined to experience that kind of mother-daughter relationship. I don't want to be bitter about it anymore. It doesn't affect her now because she is at peace and I don't want to carry that burden any further. In my heart, I like to believe if she knew how to repair our rift, she would have. We both just lacked the tools at the time.

What is bothering me today is feeling like I'm trodding through muck while going into the dark places. It's like slime pits are erupting inside me as memories come to the surface. Then add on to that, I'm in that middle-aged/premenopausal hormone madness. ~x( . I can't handle two major life changes at once. I don't recognize myself right now. I've been isolating myself socially because I don't know how to explain to my friends what I'm going through. I've been apologizing a lot to them and asking for their patience and understanding. My usual baseline personality was cheerful. I feel like a miserable bitch now. I hate feeling like that; that's unfair to those around me. I isolate myself to protect them from me. :ymsigh:

Due to financial limitations, I am doing a sort of D.I.Y therapy [prayer/meditation/reading/journaling/posting to this forum] It will get better, right? This is just a hurdle, not a brick wall. I've just entered the labyrinth, but there is a way out.

Please remind me that I don't want to revisit LE just to avoid what I'm feeling now....because I am tempted...
"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing."-Blaise Pascal
Me/LS: middle-aged, married woman
LO: middle-aged, married man with children
LE: L developed around age 12. LO was good friend of my FOO, now deceased.

JupiterTaco
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Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm

Re: Deja Vu all over again

Post by JupiterTaco » Sun Sep 03, 2017 4:40 am

No you probably don't want to but I agree it can be tempting. I'm in the same boat as you as far as trying my best to heal myself. I badly need therapy but can't afford it and am suspicious of people anyway. I also isolate myself quite a bit too.
"Between the velvet lies, there's a truth as hard as steel"-Dio, Holy Diver

JellyBean
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Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am

Re: Deja Vu all over again

Post by JellyBean » Sun Sep 03, 2017 6:53 am

FreeBird wrote:
Sat Sep 02, 2017 10:03 pm
Due to financial limitations, I am doing a sort of D.I.Y therapy [prayer/meditation/reading/journaling/posting to this forum] It will get better, right? This is just a hurdle, not a brick wall. I've just entered the labyrinth, but there is a way out.

Please remind me that I don't want to revisit LE just to avoid what I'm feeling now....because I am tempted...
Yes FreeBird... there is a way out, and it will get better as you get stronger and face whatever it is you are suppressing. Good on you for the strategies you have employed, something I need to do more of.

@JT... I've just noticed your post count. For some reason I thought I was higher since I don't see many of your posts these days. I know I'm ahead of JD :ymparty:

Stay strong FreeBird :)

Ivanhoe
Posts: 282
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Location: SoCal

Re: Deja Vu all over again

Post by Ivanhoe » Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:05 am

Check out Lisa's admonition to me in Words of Wisdom. Things can get better. And thank you for your original post on this thread. It helped me. This place is amazing.
65 (feel 50); Male

"Grief makes children of us all. Any intellectual difference is destroyed. The wisest know nothing."
- Emerson

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FreeBird
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Re: Deja Vu all over again

Post by FreeBird » Mon Sep 04, 2017 6:02 pm

Will do!

I agree; this site is amazing :D

I will be able to distract myself today and get some practical tasks done at home that I had let slide.
"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing."-Blaise Pascal
Me/LS: middle-aged, married woman
LO: middle-aged, married man with children
LE: L developed around age 12. LO was good friend of my FOO, now deceased.

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FreeBird
Posts: 343
Joined: Thu Jul 13, 2017 12:51 am

Re: Deja Vu all over again

Post by FreeBird » Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:09 am

Had an "AHA" moment: narcs will not change because they don't think they need to and balk and deflect even when you provide concrete evidence of their misdeeds. Basically, trying to have a dialogue with them is like trying reason with the neighbor's cat to not use our flowerpot as a litterbox. It is going to keep crapping in it whenever it wants until we shoo it away or remove the flowerpot. Banging my head against a brick wall seems more productive than engaging with a narc. ~x( Life is too doggone short for that.

Re: My mother: hurting people, hurt people. I have been able to ascertain, through the background information provided by her brothers, how difficult their childhood was. Outwardly, they had an upstanding, highly respected, socially acceptable family, but few outside the home knew that their father did not "spare the rod" or leather strap, or wooden "switch"(southern expression: children were sent out to cut a switch off a tree to be beaten with) it seems. She lived in fear of her father. Their indiscretions, from innocent to consciously disobedient, were all met with the same harsh punishment. Apparently, granddad beat them until welts showed and streaks of blood flowed. Their stories made me view her in a more compassionate way. She really didn't have a chance turning out how she did. She was in survival mode from the start.

While it does not excuse her verbal and emotional abuse (and she would go for the jugular, believe me), I am grateful that she did not physically abuse me. She could have repeated that pattern very easily. There are so many who had and have it so much worse than I did, that I am extremely humbled and thankful that I was spared.
"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing."-Blaise Pascal
Me/LS: middle-aged, married woman
LO: middle-aged, married man with children
LE: L developed around age 12. LO was good friend of my FOO, now deceased.

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FreeBird
Posts: 343
Joined: Thu Jul 13, 2017 12:51 am

Re: Deja Vu all over again

Post by FreeBird » Thu Oct 05, 2017 3:55 am

Dear Mom: I think LO was my mirror for my unresolved issues with you AND a wake-up call that I could possibly be a reflection of you as a narcissist. Meaning, while you were pretty much overt, I turned out to be a covert narcissist. That might not make too much sense to you right now because I've only begun to peel back the layers. I will eventually have clarity. Please be patient ;;)
Last edited by FreeBird on Fri Oct 06, 2017 12:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing."-Blaise Pascal
Me/LS: middle-aged, married woman
LO: middle-aged, married man with children
LE: L developed around age 12. LO was good friend of my FOO, now deceased.

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