Summary Of LE

Discuss your experiences about narcissism and relationships with narcissists here.
AMA210
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Summary Of LE

Post by AMA210 » Mon Jul 17, 2017 7:46 pm

Two and a half months of being with the most wonderful, polite, charismatic, understanding, empathetic, and attentive person, along with that prolonged eye contact. The "red flags" were so subtle, barely perceptible. He couldn't remember my name because he isn't good with that. He talked a lot about how he did so much for the school and how those kids don't get enough attention at home so he has to step up and give it to them.

I was hooked and limerent In September and became powerless in October. For asking him to get together and talk about a photo job and giving him a letter, he gave me the silent treatment for two months. Because I couldn't stand him being mad at me and needing the hits I apologized to him and was hoovered back.

He never spoke of the letter and was so nice and sweet for the next month, getting attention from me, sucking up my emotions and reactions, until the principal cut him off from me and I resorted to driving by school to get my hits. Always being provoked, him wanting a reaction and me giving him one every single time. I was stuck in the mud and he knew it. His care as a friend wasn't evident when he refused to stay inside when I got my kid from school or when I continued to tell him how I felt and then he used that against me. He kept me chained to him and I let him. I couldn't get out. Hoovered and discarded. Rinse and repeat.

So many red flags that I ignored because it didn't fit my fantasy of him. The reason why he was mean, cold, not empathetic, unresponsive, annoyed, manipulative, and controlling was because he was just having a bad day. He used me until the very end and I let him. The only thing he didn't do was devalue me. I was emotionally abused by this man for 15 months. My life as it was, stopped, and he became my life, until the final discard. I will never be the same again, but I am finally crawling out of that mud pit, never to allow myself to get back in. Nope, not even for someone with a pretty face and ocean blue eyes, the ones that look right into your soul.

Annabelle
Posts: 73
Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2017 11:15 pm

Re: Summary Of LE

Post by Annabelle » Tue Jul 18, 2017 1:08 am

Congratulations on your route to recovery! It sounds like you went through a pretty big transformation in the past 10 months.
My time frame for LE was about the same - since September - but am also definitely on the way up. Only random thoughts about LO once in a while and all that is left is the big question > How on Earth could I get myself into this mess :-o @-)

L-F
Posts: 1291
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am

Re: Summary Of LE

Post by L-F » Tue Jul 18, 2017 4:45 am

Good for you AM! He didn't get to destroy that strong woman within.

Rather than see him as the sociopath that you paint him out to be (along with his wife), do you think it's possible to view him as a person and this 'mental illness' called limerence, the problem?

Good to read you are healing from this illness.
:ymhug:
"The day we take 100% responsibility for everything that happens to us and stop playing the victim, we feel a much lighter load" David

AMA210
Posts: 1085
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: Summary Of LE

Post by AMA210 » Tue Jul 18, 2017 11:53 am

L-F wrote:
Tue Jul 18, 2017 4:45 am
Good for you AM! He didn't get to destroy that strong woman within.

Rather than see him as the sociopath that you paint him out to be (along with his wife), do you think it's possible to view him as a person and this 'mental illness' called limerence, the problem?

Good to read you are healing from this illness.
:ymhug:
I don't think he or his wife are sociopaths. Rather, I think he is a person with baggage, like all of us. He is not aware of his behavior and because of this, I cannot help him. I identify with several of the narc tendencies (lying, manipulation, control) and realize that he is damaged like me. Just like there are degrees of dysfunction, there are also degrees of Limerence, and I think I had a particularly intense experience with it. It truly sucks that I was misunderstood and although I tried to explain the reasons for my madness, they (the principal and him) chose to ignore the info that I gave them. Onwards...

L-F
Posts: 1291
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am

Re: Summary Of LE

Post by L-F » Tue Jul 18, 2017 7:01 pm

AMA210 wrote:
Tue Jul 18, 2017 11:53 am
It truly sucks that I was misunderstood and although I tried to explain the reasons for my madness, they (the principal and him) chose to ignore the info that I gave them. Onwards...
Yes it does truly suck.
As David often says, as per my signature by him...until we take 100% responsibility...
They are not on this earth to understand you. You are on this earth to understand yourself. You are 100% responsible.
The day you stop blaming him is the day you stop projecting.

You've come a long way AM. Limerence itself sucks. It's a mental illness (disease of the mind).
"The day we take 100% responsibility for everything that happens to us and stop playing the victim, we feel a much lighter load" David

AMA210
Posts: 1085
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: Summary Of LE

Post by AMA210 » Tue Jul 18, 2017 9:01 pm

Today doesn't look good for 100%. Tomorrow either. Definitely not next week. I will get back to you on that :-B

L-F
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Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am

Re: Summary Of LE

Post by L-F » Tue Jul 18, 2017 9:54 pm

Yes you are a wee way from 100% but you'll get there :ymhug:
"The day we take 100% responsibility for everything that happens to us and stop playing the victim, we feel a much lighter load" David

L-F
Posts: 1291
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am

Re: Summary Of LE

Post by L-F » Tue Jul 18, 2017 11:13 pm

Actually this might be a good thing! Something else to look at while healing. Question: did your parents take responsibility for everything? I'm guessing this is learned behavior (which of course doesn't make you the bad guy).

Bear with me.

If you look at what I do for a living it's similar to a lawyer. Anyway a client had one option, do ABC or be exited. They said an astounding NO to ABC. So were going to be exited. They didn't want this so
asked for my support. I said client could do ABC or DEF and that it was entirely up to them. They chose DEF, and in all seriousness, they had no choice but to try another route.

During a meeting I felt uneasy so called in my boss to listen to the client. Then it happened again; they were essentially saying I made them chose DEF. I wrote a letter explaining that responsibility for the case laid in their hands and that I was nothing but a support person with a little bit of knowledge. It meant nothing to withdraw my support as I make it very clear that whatever option the client takes it's a decision they have to make - I can only give information and walk alongside them whatever the decision. I can not and will not make decisions for clients.

I took this to supervision and was surprised to find out that this kind of behavior is not unusual. The client looks for someone to blame if they feel they can't get their own way. Apparently it's an Indian cultural thing (which I don't believe but who knows...)

Perhaps not wanting to take responsibility, it might be the family culture?
"The day we take 100% responsibility for everything that happens to us and stop playing the victim, we feel a much lighter load" David

AMA210
Posts: 1085
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm

Re: Summary Of LE

Post by AMA210 » Wed Jul 19, 2017 12:47 am

Interesting relation LF to your own experience. There was finger pointing in FOO.

We didn't get to the party because dad got lost. It's his fault.
Dad would say to mom--it's your fault that I drink.
Dad didn't take responsibility for his actions and mom would sometimes. It was a circus a lot.
So much arguing. I would wake up to fighting, tell them to stop, and then get blamed for interfering.
I honestly think the main reason this LE had to occur is because I was becoming my mom. :ymhug:

L-F
Posts: 1291
Joined: Mon Sep 12, 2016 10:12 am

Re: Summary Of LE

Post by L-F » Wed Jul 19, 2017 7:54 am

AMA210 wrote:
Wed Jul 19, 2017 12:47 am
Interesting relation LF to your own experience. There was finger pointing in FOO.

We didn't get to the party because dad got lost. It's his fault.
Dad would say to mom--it's your fault that I drink.
Dad didn't take responsibility for his actions and mom would sometimes. It was a circus a lot.
So much arguing. I would wake up to fighting, tell them to stop, and then get blamed for interfering.
I honestly think the main reason this LE had to occur is because I was becoming my mom. :ymhug:
That makes sense. Hmmm... the plot thickens. It's always interesting looking at our 'role models'. I do recall you mentioning this incident. Gosh not one but both parents and then blaming you - the innocent child! :-o

Well at least these patterns are visible making it another thing to work with on a conscious level. Remember though, you are NOT your mum. We learn these behaviours without giving it much thought.

Yay to healing O:-)
"The day we take 100% responsibility for everything that happens to us and stop playing the victim, we feel a much lighter load" David

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