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Outcome of LE

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Outcome of LE

SO and I are working on restoring our relationship/marriage
8
20%
LE has caused me to settle for SO
8
20%
LE has made my relationship with SO worse
6
15%
LE has made my relationship with SO better
11
27%
LE has caused me to do the "heavy lifting" and this change has made us incompatible.
3
7%
I have divorced SO
2
5%
I have separated from SO
1
2%
Nothing changed as a result of LE
2
5%
 
Total votes: 41

AMA210
Posts: 1912
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Re: Outcome of LE

Post by AMA210 » Mon May 28, 2018 7:56 pm

Thank you Havb.

@Spinnaker: thank you for your opinion. Although I disagree with you. The limerence has faded. I did the heavy lifting. The deep feelings for LO remained, and were reciprocated.

It seems to me that you are an expert on REAL LOVE. Is that the same as true love?
Do you live inside of my heart? Can you see straight into my heart chakra?
I am going to assume that none of us here are experts on love, myself included.
It appears that you are blaming limerence for not getting your dream man. Haven't you learned yet that blame is futile?

Regardless of LO, my decision is the same and I have put much time and effort into it.
I am not quite sure how much spirituality played a part in your LE, but in mine, it's very much evident and I believe that the divine is in control of this now. In time, the story will unfold.

Peace to you.
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

Spinnaker
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Re: Outcome of LE

Post by Spinnaker » Mon May 28, 2018 8:56 pm

Edited: Wow! I am very sorry, AMA.

What a mess of opinionated and unnecessary BS, with a slew rude insults and double negatives. :-ss I apologize.

We invest a lot of time into one another's healing paths and I am glad to hear you are moving forward and feeling good about the direction that's heading. That is all that matters and I was wrong.

I hope your journey brings you peace and happiness.
Last edited by Spinnaker on Tue May 29, 2018 6:51 am, edited 3 times in total.

MrSpock
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Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
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Argentina

Re: Outcome of LE

Post by MrSpock » Mon May 28, 2018 9:59 pm

Spinnaker wrote:
Mon May 28, 2018 8:56 pm
You are right in reading between the lines me being distressed over losing my "dream man", but that man is not a person. It wasn't him.
FWIW, I had been steadily "progressing", if you like, into realizing that my "dream girlfriend" is not this person which I call LO now. Not really. She just happens to have a great number of salient features which just matches that dream girlfriend that I fabricated in my head, but, that doesn't really mean it is her, that individual human being. One fundamental reason is that I really don't know anything about her, other than these salient features I subconsciously choose to look at. We barely ever talked, so I have no idea who she is. Not really.

And today I came across "something" that showed me just how much that is true. I incidentally watched the trailer of a new movie, and I got, well, let's say deeply touched, by the lead female actress. So I looked her up, and when I started looking at her pictures I could feel, like inequivocally, that if she were in front of me and just said "hi" I would be right back at LE in a second, except that, with a different person! I was only looking at pictures of her, and yet I could sense the depth of the feeling, but also, how replaceable LO just became. Until today, I had this idea that there was no one like her, and here I was looking at someone else entirely! Honestly, if I were given a magical choice to choose between them to live happily ever after, at the very least I would have to take my time.

I do have to consider that since NC a couple of months now, I've been less and less and less attached to LO, and I accept that I might not had felt like replacing her with this other girl like I would today back then. I also accept that this new girl looks a lot, like incredibly a lot, like LO. But even then, if all it takes is the picture of someone else, even if she looks so similar, isn't that more than proof that the real person is just an unwilling proxy for that mental "dream girlfriend" I've always been fixated on? I like to think that real connections connect us with actual real people, not just avatars in our heads which some people just happen to look like.

So, @AMA, we have no idea what's on your heart, that's true. But is also true that we humans really are incredibly alike, not just in that we all have eyes to see, and a brain to think, but in how and why we feel what we feel, and even so in how we react and operate. So it is based on our experience, which is not that different from yours, that we think love is something else entirely.

Spinnaker
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Re: Outcome of LE

Post by Spinnaker » Mon May 28, 2018 10:24 pm

Yes, we are seeking the dream man or dream woman and until we fix our broken selves, our brains can fall limerent too easily. That's why it's so easy to suffer from transferrence.

Our brain is addicted, too! The people we fall limerent for can be beautiful souls and we see the light in them but our sickness makes them even more perfect than they are, sadly to keep the juices flowing. It's unconscious. They become an object of our desire and remain until we become conscious if the truth.
Last edited by Spinnaker on Thu May 31, 2018 7:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

Spinnaker
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Re: Outcome of LE

Post by Spinnaker » Tue May 29, 2018 6:52 am

AMA
Please see my edit with an apology.
Last edited by Spinnaker on Sun Nov 04, 2018 7:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MrSpock
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Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
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Argentina

Re: Outcome of LE

Post by MrSpock » Tue May 29, 2018 12:59 pm

Spinnaker wrote:
Mon May 28, 2018 10:24 pm
The people we fall limerent for can be beautiful souls and we see the light in them but our sickness makes them even more perfect than they are, sadly to keep the juices flowing. It's unconscious. They become an object of our desire and remain until we become conscious if the truth.
Exactly.

I'm still on the stage in which I'm trying hard not to think about LO, let alone write about her, but I will say this:

I truly believe she is unusually special, and has a light that I've seen only a few times. I sincerely hope she ends up with a man that can see, appreciate and enjoy that of her. But we all have a dark side too. She is no exception and is just that I don't know her enough to see that, hence the idealization. And due to my emotionally needy nature I refuse to see that, specially since I don't have to, for is all a fantasy.
But even if she were just perfect, it doesn't mean is a good fit for me. We don't need a partner that is perfect, we need the perfect partner. That's a person whose flaws and virtues, both, work with ours. We're like complex Lego pieces, and there is no such thing as the perfect piece... there is only the perfect fit. And that's my wife, not LO, even if I might some times wish I myself had a different shape so I could fit with a different piece. I just don't.

Having said that..

@AMA, sometimes we need to take a step back to get the right perspective. If that means walking away from both DH and LO, so be it. It sure is painful, but it seems to be what you need to do right now. Maybe you'll find out that you actually do love your DH, and/or he finds out that things need to progress, which is to change. Maybe you don't. Maybe he doesn't. In any case, is always a step forward if your intentions are in the right place.

AMA210
Posts: 1912
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Outcome of LE

Post by AMA210 » Tue May 29, 2018 8:16 pm

Spinnaker wrote:
Tue May 29, 2018 6:52 am
AMA
Please see my edit with an apology.
I read it and thank you kindly!

This was good for me actually. It was an exercise in applying what I have learned.

I gave my opinion to you assertively. (I would have recoiled to avoid confrontation)

I didn't write a reply based on my first reaction, which was anger. I sat with it, let the emotions come and go, and waited until I was at a better place to reply (I would have shouted obscenities and huffed and puffed....well you get the idea)

I have retained my honesty and am open to accepting that others have their opinion, which they are free to express, just like I am, and I may not agree with it. (My way or the highway)

I am very protective of LO, in general. There have been other things that have occurred in the past three months that I have not shared here for obvious reasons. But, they are part of my journey, of my awakening, and the ultimate choices that are made as a result of that.
:) :ymhug:
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

Spinnaker
Posts: 1855
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Re: Outcome of LE

Post by Spinnaker » Tue May 29, 2018 8:33 pm

.
Last edited by Spinnaker on Sun Nov 04, 2018 7:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

AMA210
Posts: 1912
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Outcome of LE

Post by AMA210 » Tue May 29, 2018 9:03 pm

@Mr. Spock: "AMA, sometimes we need to take a step back to get the right perspective. If that means walking away from both DH and LO, so be it. It sure is painful, but it seems to be what you need to do right now. Maybe you'll find out that you actually do love your DH, and/or he finds out that things need to progress, which is to change. Maybe you don't. Maybe he doesn't. In any case, is always a step forward if your intentions are in the right place."

Yes, I agree and thank you.

The perfect partner is an impossible pursuit.
Many of us have idealized LO, including myself.
Coming out of the limerence removed the blinders and the LC helped me to see my life with DH and LO from a panoramic view.
i refuse to go back to how I was two years ago, as DH has requested several times.
It has to be always moving ahead, taking other opinions into consideration, but being strong enough and believing in myself to make the right decision. :)
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

AMA210
Posts: 1912
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Re: Outcome of LE

Post by AMA210 » Tue May 29, 2018 9:16 pm

Spinnaker wrote:
Mon May 28, 2018 8:56 pm
Edited: Wow! I am very sorry, AMA.

What a mess of opinionated and unnecessary BS, with a slew rude insults and double negatives. :-ss I apologize.

We invest a lot of time into one another's healing paths and I am glad to hear you are moving forward and feeling good about the direction that's heading. That is all that matters and I was wrong.

I hope your journey brings you peace and happiness.
Thank you kindly for the apology.
It takes a lot of inner growth to apologize and own the responsibility of being wrong for something said or done.
I have had to do that quite a lot.
Reminds me of the time I was the speed demon in the school parking lot and my daughter's gym class was outside. All of the kids pointed at her and said, it's her mom. I got caught and had to apologize--was really tough. After that, they put up a 10mph sign. B-)

Anytime you need a lesson, let me know, or vice versa. :ymhug:
Now, it's in the past, which we can't change anyway, so forgive yourself and let it go.
53 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months and LO works four blocks from my home

"Always moving forward"

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