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Compliments to LO

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Complimenting LO

Have you complimented LO?
2
2%
Yes
19
22%
No
3
3%
Excessively (many compliments)
11
13%
What was LO's response to the compliments?
0
No votes
Thank you
12
14%
OK
4
5%
No response
5
6%
No response, looking bewildered, dazed and confused
1
1%
Has LO complimented you, the limerent?
3
3%
Yes
20
23%
No
6
7%
 
Total votes: 86

AMA210
Posts: 1893
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 2:17 pm
Location: Midwest
United States of America

Compliments to LO

Post by AMA210 » Wed Nov 01, 2017 9:47 pm

Are limerents very generous with complimenting the LO or not?

What is LO's response?

Has LO complimented you, the limerent?
52 years old, married for 27 years
LE was 22 months

"Always moving forward"

townshend
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Re: Compliments to LO

Post by townshend » Wed Nov 01, 2017 11:23 pm

:-? I don’t think I’ve ever given him a real direct compliment but I do or did say like “you’re the best” , “what would I do without you” , “you’re a life saver” ...etc like, a lot. He doesn’t say anything, he just smiles and does this little acknowledgment nod.

But I don’t think I have to, I feel....like it’s all super implied. And just like saying his name out loud, I feel like giving him a direct compliment would just give me right away.

**Edited**

I don’t have to say “you know you’re really funny” because I laugh or at least smirk at every single one of his jokes, even when they’re bad and everyone else is just like “____ please...”. To the point that he’s come to expect it. So maybe I’m not saying hey you’re this, you’re that but I know I say phrase things one way instead of another and I shouldn’t but I do and I mean to imply just what I am. And if he knows I like him, like I think he does, then he knows what that implies as well.

He once stopped and backtracked to tell me about something he thought was funny (another example of it seemed to me like he didn’t notice or care to notice I was there but ended up proving he did see me and it obviously reminded him of something to tell me aka limerent translation: he thought about me, he really thought about me - there’s never any telling what he’s thinking) but it was also a ‘I’m so strong I did this..’ thing. There was a couple women I’d been helping between us and it was random and unnecessary and I wa just thinking “I don’t know why he’s telling me this but I love it???” I wasn’t really sure how to respond but I probably would’ve said something mildly inappropriate if these other people - he was apparently oblivious to-weren’t there , awkwardly looking at us, obviously trying to figure out what was happening.

But anyway it makes me think, sometimes, he gives me my hits, I give him his (or something like it). (Not that that makes him a narcissist because I don’t think he is)

Anyway my points I do it without really doing it? I guess
Last edited by townshend on Thu Nov 02, 2017 1:51 am, edited 2 times in total.
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman

ReeledIn
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Re: Compliments to LO

Post by ReeledIn » Wed Nov 01, 2017 11:58 pm

My answers were "no" - and the response to the one compliment I gave him was "Aww, pouty face. Smooch." He seemed touched, which surprised me.

Heck yes he complimented me all the time and I have now seen him compliment ALL women to whom he's attracted and probably even those to whom he's not attracted. It's kind but also deceiving and underhanded because it' his way of getting women to fall for him so he can ultimately say, "See? All these women WANT me." He knows that most women are just starving for verbal affection (married or not.) He's a sick bastard who has figured it out.

Very interesting one for me...I have never been great about giving compliments, but I like to receive them apparently! (That's how my affair started - and go ahead.. say it... that's a narcissistic trait. ;;) )

The only exception to this rule is with SO... I have showered SO with compliments for our entire 19 years together, almost daily.. whether I compliment his butt (I want to make a mold of his butt and put it on my desk in my office) or his hair or his cute face...or his cooking or his hard work... I shower him with compliments and he's the only person I've really ever done that with/for in my entire life. I do it because I love him and want him to feel good about himself. ... and it's easy and natural for me (with him.)

Unfortunately, he's not great about returning compliments.... but I still give them, and for many years I expected nothing in return. (And then the LO love-bombing started and the rest is history.)

As for the original question about complimenting LO.... In the 9-10 mos we were friends/lovers/friends again.... I think I complimented him ONCE and that was only after he asked me for a compliment. I said,'You know I think you're handsome," and he seemed genuinely touched. And then I probably rolled my eyes and said, "But you already know that."

Like Townsend said.. the fact that I ate lunch with LO daily and basically did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.... I figured it was all SUPER implied. LOL.

I told LO once that I didn't feel the need to compliment him because he was so good at doing that himself... and good at talking about all the single women at work who like him (AKA his "fan club" - his description, not mine.) He referred to himself as "tall, dark and handsome" all the time. Why did he need ME to compliment him?

My mom said, "Oh.. you weren't compliant with the narc. He had certain expectations. That's why he dumped you."

My theory is that he saw me as a challenge because a) I was married and therefore a challenge/conquest - probably something he could never "get"; b) I wasn't fawning all over him like most women... I once saw him with his xGF and she must've told him he was hot about 10 times in one night. :ymsick: It made my stomach turn.
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
Been with SO, age 51, since 1998
LE since June 2016

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

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french girl
Posts: 284
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Re: Compliments to LO

Post by french girl » Thu Nov 02, 2017 2:20 pm

I never compliment LO.
Generally, I taunt him to make him feel bad, I don't compliment him to make him feel good about himself. :ymdevil:

I'm really bad at giving compliments, I never learned.
Even something as simple as telling a female coworker her hair look fine when she went to the hairdresser is already hard for me.

But as LO knows about the crush I have over him, maybe the compliments are implied and superfluous ?

Anyway, I sometimes think I should compliment him.
Even if he has narc tendencies, it's obvious he has a low self-esteem, and maybe sometimes he appreciates some help to make himself believe he is a special important guy and the unofficial center of the universe... :p
Maybe being obsessed with him day and night is more than enough in that sense...

But I remember a few days when I (involuntarily) told him things which he seemed to consider like indirect compliments : he looked genuinely grateful and relieved about it, so in fact I'd like to learn how to make this kind of compliments, in order to make him feel that way again.
Not sure I'll be able to do that, though, because I don't even know what kind of things to say to make him feel this way.

Anyway, when you adore a guy, it can confirm his narcisstic beliefs if he is a narc (I'm special, I'm unique...).
If you adore a normal -balanced individual though, he/she would find that adoration exaggerated, disproportionate and having nothing to do with himself/herself, so in fact it's like a mistake, your compliments can't please them because they are addressed to the wrong person.

I think even narc LOs can refuse the compliments you give them : limerent people tend so much to have a false perception of their LOs, imagining things about them, projecting things upon them, with false identifications, believing LOs are just like them, or believing they are perfect, or heroes...
LOs can get really annoyed because limerent people don't see them as they're really are, so they would refuse even the compliments you give them...

I think the rare moments when I saw LO appreciate what I was telling about him, it's when I have been able to acknowledge he can be a fairly normal guy with some normal qualities...
His defence mechanisms may be based on narcissism and the need to feel special and unique, but I suppose he has some healthy parts too, trying to live a "normal" healthy life, with normal relationships...
Healthy parts of himself that are looking for real normal love, real normal friendship, normal respect, not looking for adoration and validation of the grandiose fantasies he may have about himself...

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FreeBird
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Re: Compliments to LO

Post by FreeBird » Thu Nov 02, 2017 11:20 pm

Mostly gushing, hero-worshipy compliments I'm so grateful to you...you don't know how much you have meant to me...thank you for being there for me and my family...I don't know how to thank you and so on. He is always gracious and thanks me back.

When I'm in full-blown LE I could compliment him for hours if given the chance. He is my object of worship at that moment and it's a real pleasure to lavish praise on him. Sad, really. :-s

Cookie
Posts: 325
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm

Re: Compliments to LO

Post by Cookie » Fri Nov 03, 2017 12:12 am

I've complimented him like my brain was taken over by aliens who learned to speak only from Hallmark cards. Thing is, I DETEST that type of effusive language, as a rule. But in looking back, those compliments were not about him personally -- which his toward me sure were. Reading between the lines now, with some fresh clarity, mine to him all sound like "Please don't go."

Matty5000
Posts: 237
Joined: Sat Jul 08, 2017 1:07 pm
Canada

Re: Compliments to LO

Post by Matty5000 » Mon Nov 06, 2017 3:21 am

I complimented her and she blushed. She returned the compliment and I felt like a million bucks
Other people make excellent mirrors.
Male: 35

NVTS
Posts: 311
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:49 pm
Fiji

Re: Compliments to LO

Post by NVTS » Mon Nov 06, 2017 12:04 pm

:ymblushing:
ReeledIn wrote:
Wed Nov 01, 2017 11:58 pm
My answers were "no" - and the response to the one compliment I gave him was "Aww, pouty face. Smooch." He seemed touched, which surprised me.

Heck yes he complimented me all the time and I have now seen him compliment ALL women to whom he's attracted and probably even those to whom he's not attracted. It's kind but also deceiving and underhanded because it' his way of getting women to fall for him so he can ultimately say, "See? All these women WANT me." He knows that most women are just starving for verbal affection (married or not.) He's a sick bastard who has figured it out. :ymblushing:

Very interesting one for me...I have never been great about giving compliments, but I like to receive them apparently! (That's how my affair started - and go ahead.. say it... that's a narcissistic trait. ;;) )

The only exception to this rule is with SO... I have showered SO with compliments for our entire 19 years together, almost daily.. whether I compliment his butt (I want to make a mold of his butt and put it on my desk in my office) or his hair or his cute face...or his cooking or his hard work... I shower him with compliments and he's the only person I've really ever done that with/for in my entire life. I do it because I love him and want him to feel good about himself. ... and it's easy and natural for me (with him.)

Unfortunately, he's not great about returning compliments.... but I still give them, and for many years I expected nothing in return. (And then the LO love-bombing started and the rest is history.)

As for the original question about complimenting LO.... In the 9-10 mos we were friends/lovers/friends again.... I think I complimented him ONCE and that was only after he asked me for a compliment. I said,'You know I think you're handsome," and he seemed genuinely touched. And then I probably rolled my eyes and said, "But you already know that."

Like Townsend said.. the fact that I ate lunch with LO daily and basically did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.... I figured it was all SUPER implied. LOL.

I told LO once that I didn't feel the need to compliment him because he was so good at doing that himself... and good at talking about all the single women at work who like him (AKA his "fan club" - his description, not mine.) He referred to himself as "tall, dark and handsome" all the time. Why did he need ME to compliment him?

My mom said, "Oh.. you weren't compliant with the narc. He had certain expectations. That's why he dumped you."

My theory is that he saw me as a challenge because a) I was married and therefore a challenge/conquest - probably something he could never "get"; b) I wasn't fawning all over him like most women... I once saw him with his xGF and she must've told him he was hot about 10 times in one night. :ymsick: It made my stomach turn.
@ Reeled: I too have a “fan club” that I joke about with a female friend/colleague who periodically updates me regarding the same.
I too compliment women in front of DW but rarely DW, and she rarely feeds my ego in that way.
Guess I’m just a sick MOFO, who has figured “some” of it out?!
M-46-married
LO- married 47,work colleagues

ReeledIn
Posts: 385
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Re: Compliments to LO

Post by ReeledIn » Tue Nov 07, 2017 8:41 pm

Windy1 wrote:
Mon Nov 06, 2017 12:04 pm
@ Reeled: I too have a “fan club” that I joke about with a female friend/colleague who periodically updates me regarding the same.
I too compliment women in front of DW but rarely DW, and she rarely feeds my ego in that way.
Guess I’m just a sick MOFO, who has figured “some” of it out?!
Windy, I don't know if you are sick mofo. My LO actually comments on women's bodies and did that to me when I was his "friend" --- a relatively new co-worker, actually... which was dangerous for him to do. For example, he'd say, "So and so has a great ass," and then he would - in so many words - tell me that he wanted to "do her" (with the facial expression and everything)... so this is more than "complimenting," in my view.. this is objectifying.. is that what you do? He also admitted to me that he stayed with his last GF for 2 years despite their difficulties because she has a gorgeous body, big boobs and blonde hair and he "never thought he could get that." He also showed me pics of her, thinking this would somehow impress me.

It was much later that he actually admitted she also had big brains.... that was secondary.. an aside really.

I have so many more examples of objectification and narcissism by LO.. if you want to read other things he said you can read my post in my signature.. like when he said the best sex he's ever had was with himself... and he was NOT joking. He had many drinks in him and he was confiding in me.. the truth. ... so basically he's never loved anyone as much as he loves himself. And, he also told me that eventually he gets bored with every woman... and has dumped every woman he's ever been with.. including the mother of his infant boys (his wife).. because he was bored. That was the only reason. (I'm not judging people who leave their spouses for a better life.. however you have to look at his behavior in context... in the bigger picture of all of his behaviors and words.)

There is a FULL picture I am trying to paint here of LO. You might joke around about your "fan club," which is kind of conceited if you ask me, but that ALONE does NOT make you a narc or anything like my LO. That said, I hope you are actually honored that these women like you.. I hope you feel appreciated rather than look down on them like my LO absolutely does.

Also, there is a difference between "complimenting" and "love bombing." LO was completely love bombing me and does this to most women, as I said, because he knows women will adore him for this.. and he wants nothing more than to be adored by as many women as possible... especially those with nice asses.

I hope this is not you, Windy. I doubt it is.. otherwise you would not be here.

Lastly.. maybe you and your wife should try a little complimenting here or there.. it can really spice up a marriage if it's not expected.. trust me on that one. She would love it.. even if she's startled at first. It's not "feeding an ego" if it's genuine.. it's just a nice thing to do for someone you love. Also.. I assume you've asked DW if she minds that you compliment other women in front of her. If not, you may want to. A lot of women won't admit that they hate this... most women do hate it. (And I will assume that your compliments are not trashy and low-brow like LO's.)
47yo female, LO/ex PA partner is 54, single dad & coworker
Been with SO, age 51, since 1998
LE since June 2016

For my story if interested:
http://limerence.net/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=3738

Cookie
Posts: 325
Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2017 4:08 pm

Re: Compliments to LO

Post by Cookie » Wed Nov 08, 2017 2:48 am

I don't wish to triangulate the conversation here, but I will say a couple of things about what I'm reading here.

-- By all means compliment your SO! I think to not compliment them but do it liberally with others is...almost psychopathic (sorry). Women/people do like it, as long as it's genuine and not over the top or constant. As we get older, it's nice to hear every now and then that we still have some redeeming qualities. And having to stand there while a spouse does it to another woman? Just effing tacky. Late night cruise ship bar behavior.

-- I really, really disdain men who talk about women in the way you're describing here, Reeled. Especially to other females and especially a female coworker. D'oh!! Seriously? That is just as sophomoric as it gets. And to talk about wanting to "do them" is frat boy city.

It is pretty clear from my previous posts that I am no prude, but this kind of stuff is just basic junior high manners.

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