I think I missed this thread before, but I found it just in time.
Each and every time I had the urge
to disclose to LO, I figured that in the end I just want to see, or rather confirm, that she reciprocates. All the excuses about seeking closure, etc.. are nonsense.
But the urge comes and go. Last night I seem to have had a brain fart
, or whatever it was that got me to think about it seriously.
Thing is I was thinking on what else can I do to get her off my head. Then I recalled that in the past, knowing for a fact, like in your face, that there was no reciprocation, got me really started on the path of letting go. Even with current simultaneous LO2, the pull is fading away very very rapidly because I can absolutely tell that she doesn't want me like that (and I didn't need to say a thing to her, I can just tell from the detailed microanalysis we put LOs under).
With LO1 is the opposite.. I'm positive she wanted me at least before we went NC for several months. But, because there's been several months of NC, the way she looked at me a few weeks ago when we did meet can perfectly be explained as nothing but the ashes of an old extinguished flame. So I thought: by far the chances are whatever she felt about me is gone now, so if I can just know that
, I can close the chapter.
But... how do I get to know such a thing, how do I get it from her that she has no interest? by disclosing.
I knew that directly talking to her was a very bad idea... we don't have any relationship that allows for that (we don't talk to each other outside the TKD class we used to share), but, she has a friend, the boy that brought her into the TKD class, whom I can reach out easily for we used to be TKD classmates (he dropped though, even before she joined).
So I thought: maybe I can talk to him, and come up with whatever story that involves him asking her what she feels about me.
Fortunately, this morning the oxygen finally made it to my head and now I can see how that is a terrible idea, on so many fronts and for so many reasons.
The most significant of all the reason is that I'm just lying to myself, big time, if I think I want to hear that she doesn't want me. That is the exact opposite of what I want to know. So, what would happen if I get "the wrong answer"? that instead of having a reason to close the last chapter, I'll have a reason to open the first page wide open and finally screw everything up for good.