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Have you asked LO about their feelings? If no, what prevents you from asking?

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Have you asked LO about their feelings?

Yes
5
6%
No
22
24%
Don't want to know
1
1%
It wouldn't change my feelings
7
8%
Afraid to ask
11
12%
Afraid to know the answer
13
14%
Don't want to be rejected
13
14%
Don't want to put LO in uncomfortable position
14
16%
If LO is male, assumption that they don't like to talk about feelings
4
4%
 
Total votes: 90

AMA210
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Have you asked LO about their feelings? If no, what prevents you from asking?

Post by AMA210 » Sun Jan 08, 2017 2:08 pm

Have you asked LO about their feelings?

What prevents you from asking?
(Can choose more than one response)
52 years old, married for 26 years
LE was 22 months

"Always moving forward"

Pudding
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Re: Have you asked LO about their feelings? If no, what prevents you from asking?

Post by Pudding » Sun Jan 08, 2017 2:58 pm

I picked that it wouldn't change my feelings, and that I wouldn't want to put LO in an uncomfortable position.

You already know my story but LO is a teacher at my children's school, and he taught my older son last year. It's a small school so unless he moves on in the next year or two (which I am both praying for, and also hoping never happens :-? ), there is a good chance he will teach my other son later on. I see him whenever I'm at the school to help. We only talk sometimes, especially since I now try to avoid conversation with him, but apparently my older son was his favourite last year, and he had taken to playfully teasing my younger son (their classrooms are across the hall from each other) so I hear a lot from both kids about how wonderful and funny Mr. H is, etc. Makes it hard not to feel the way I do.

So, obviously telling him would be extremely uncomfortable and inappropriate. I've always told myself I would only say something if he were to leave for another school and I would know I wouldn't see him again. It also wouldn't change my feelings since I have to reason to believe he would reciprocate. It's all me. He hasn't lead me on or anything. I'm married, he has a girlfriend. When this all started I was actually pretty sure he was gay and still became limerent over him. Almost became more so when I found out he is straight and attached. So, telling him wouldn't change anything for me.
F 37
LO is M 34, my son’s teacher

Heart_Open
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Joined: Mon Nov 28, 2016 3:52 pm

Re: Have you asked LO about their feelings? If no, what prevents you from asking?

Post by Heart_Open » Mon Jan 09, 2017 1:10 pm

A few reasons I answered No:

* I do not and have never wanted a relationship with him (which is why my limerence has caused so much frustration)
* Loyalty to my husband, even if a full blown affair has gone off in my head at times :(
* He is not mine to ask about how he feels about me, he belongs with someone else
* If I ever was to ask, I would want my feelings to be reciprocated or rather, for all those times I thought they were reciprocated for him to confirm yes they were. I do not want to be told I was barking up the wrong tree (ahem, so to speak!).

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David
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Re: Have you asked LO about their feelings? If no, what prevents you from asking?

Post by David » Mon Jan 09, 2017 3:28 pm

Fear of rejection was the main thing that stopped me. Despite disclosing, i never asked if my feelings were reciprocated. In hindsight a good thing as living with not knowing has been a profound lesson.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Coaching / Therapy see http://www.limerence.net/coaching.html

Male 57

Heart_Open
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Re: Have you asked LO about their feelings? If no, what prevents you from asking?

Post by Heart_Open » Mon Jan 09, 2017 3:33 pm

David wrote:... a good thing as living with not knowing has been a profound lesson.
Thanks for this David but could you expand on this a little please? Despite having my reasons to not ask if he felt the same way, the actual not knowing, and living with that has been one of the hardest things, as I am sure others will agree!

AMA210
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Re: Have you asked LO about their feelings? If no, what prevents you from asking?

Post by AMA210 » Mon Jan 09, 2017 4:21 pm

Now is not the time to know.
When my daughter graduates in 2.5 years, and before I officially leave the school, I want to know.
I am not afraid of rejection, partly because I cannot live with this unknown forever. There will be no reason to return to school and no reason for me to ask him at that point in time.
52 years old, married for 26 years
LE was 22 months

"Always moving forward"

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David
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Re: Have you asked LO about their feelings? If no, what prevents you from asking?

Post by David » Mon Jan 09, 2017 5:15 pm

Heart_Open wrote:[
Thanks for this David but could you expand on this a little please? Despite having my reasons to not ask if he felt the same way, the actual not knowing, and living with that has been one of the hardest things, as I am sure others will agree!
One of many insights from my L as my need to control - i was a horrible boss that was a micromanager and a possessive and insecure husband. So by trying to control things and understand things, it gave me a perceived sense of security, when in reality it was all an illusion - the only thing i could control was my reaction to events.

So trying to understand my limerence was in part a need to feel in control. Not knowing how LO felt about me helped me appreciate i didnt need to have the answer to everything and i didn't need to understand and control everything in my life. Hence my career choices and other interests. The more ive let go of needing to know and control, the easier and more content life has become.

Ultimately it comes down to trust. Trusting things will work out OK, that i will survive one way or the other, that is until the day i die.

Not sure if this making any sense!
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung

For confidential Coaching / Therapy see http://www.limerence.net/coaching.html

Male 57

Heart_Open
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Re: Have you asked LO about their feelings? If no, what prevents you from asking?

Post by Heart_Open » Tue Jan 10, 2017 9:43 am

David wrote:
Heart_Open wrote:[
Thanks for this David but could you expand on this a little please? Despite having my reasons to not ask if he felt the same way, the actual not knowing, and living with that has been one of the hardest things, as I am sure others will agree!
One of many insights from my L as my need to control - i was a horrible boss that was a micromanager and a possessive and insecure husband. So by trying to control things and understand things, it gave me a perceived sense of security, when in reality it was all an illusion - the only thing i could control was my reaction to events.

So trying to understand my limerence was in part a need to feel in control. Not knowing how LO felt about me helped me appreciate i didnt need to have the answer to everything and i didn't need to understand and control everything in my life. Hence my career choices and other interests. The more ive let go of needing to know and control, the easier and more content life has become.

Ultimately it comes down to trust. Trusting things will work out OK, that i will survive one way or the other, that is until the day i die.

Not sure if this making any sense!
Makes perfect sense, thanks so much for elaborating. Yes, I can see the control issue and this is something I have seen in other areas of my life so need to apply it to my limerence I think! I have been doing a lot of trusting that it will all work out okay, and that has been working :)

Thanks again

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Re: Have you asked LO about their feelings? If no, what prevents you from asking?

Post by sherlocked » Wed Mar 21, 2018 7:51 pm

I said yes because in the past I have asked. I haven't with this current LO nc its more inappropriate, I don't know him as well, and there's less contact or opportunity to do so. Of course there's always fear of rejection involved.

The first ever LO I had was at age 14 in HS and I did end up asking him while chatting online (aol instant messenger! Hahaha)

The second was 3 yrs ago and we worked together closely and it was obvious he felt the same. so the only reason I eventually did disclose was bc there was little fear of him completely rejecting me. (He was married also and all I basically said was "we've got to get our shit under control here or we'll ruin each other." And disclosing/acknowledging was possibly the worst thing ever because we basically fell into an emotional affair knowing we'd never leave our spouses and children) We're no contact now due to him moving for his job. Thank goodness.

This current LO will never get asked. I'll suffer in silent agony due to the inappropriateness of it all.
"Intuitions are not to be ignored. They represent data processed too fast for the conscious mind to comprehend." - Sherlock Holmes - BBCs "Sherlock"

Matty5000
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Re: Have you asked LO about their feelings? If no, what prevents you from asking?

Post by Matty5000 » Thu Mar 22, 2018 8:36 am

Rational brain: I don't want to know because I don't think it would change anything either way. I don't think we're compatible. And I know limerence is about me, but I don't believe she is a good person or good for me. I'm probably no good for her either. So whether or not she cared/cares is irrelevant to me.

Limerent brain: I hope she Likes me!! Lol b-(
Other people make excellent mirrors.
Male: 35

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