Update: disclosure, reciprocity, friendship, goodbye...?

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
STR
Posts: 193
Joined: Sun Dec 14, 2014 5:52 pm

Re: Update: disclosure, reciprocity, friendship, goodbye...?

Post by STR »

Nax wrote:My LO moved to the other side of the world almost 18 months ago. I was convinced it was the end and I would never see him again. Like you, I thought it would be a blessing in disguise. I expected him to find someone and tell me he couldn't talk to me anymore, or even that he would just forget to contact me at all. I also hoped the distance would lessen the limerence. I was prepared for round #235 of heartbreak.
In actual fact he's been more consistent with his contact than before. He calls me almost every weekend. He did find someone new, but I've found I'm not jealous. I envy her, but I have no anxiety about losing him as a friend anymore. That's been the biggest blessing. I'm still limerent, but I don't believe I love him. I don't think we belong together. It's simply a strong connection that neither of us seems to want to break. It's easier to live with like this. I am supposed to be visiting him in September, but I'm actually thinking of cancelling as I don't particularly want to see him. Old wounds and all that.
Thanks for sharing, Nax. It will take courage on your part not to see him, but it's great that you have reached a place where you don't really want to see him anyway. I'm glad to hear that you are finding it easier to live your life with him far away than with him close.

I'm pretty sure that will be the case for me as well. My friend has not officially decided to leave, but I think the probability of her doing so is at least 0.95 and I can't really envision a scenario under which she wouldn't leave at this point. There is a chance that she would be able to move back here less than a year after leaving (and it would be her preference to do so), but I'm not expecting that to happen and even if she were to move back, we would no longer live in the same building and things would be different.

I don’t know whether we will keep in touch or not if/when she moves. I know that she will be overwhelmingly busy and will have very limited time for communicating with her friends and family, and I’m sure that there will be several people ahead of me on her list of people to keep in touch with during the limited time she has. While I do think that she enjoys communicating with me, I have had really good friends move away in the past who then made no effort to keep in touch with me, so I haven't really had much in the way of positive experience with long-distance friendships. I won’t put any pressure on her, and I am essentially treating her move to mean the end of our relationship altogether…

Wyldgirl
Posts: 557
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 1:22 am

Re: Update: disclosure, reciprocity, friendship, goodbye...?

Post by Wyldgirl »

STR, did you read Plato's most recent update? It seems that you and he both found a way to get some satisfaction in the same manner - a kind of acknowledgement that the situation isn't all in your head. That must feel very reassuring when LE is so maddening. I will write more when I have time, but I'm glad to hear you are finding a way to make peace with this. It's sad that you don't feel you're able to have female friends. I enjoy interaction with both men and women, so I would have a really hard time saying "no more guy friends" - but I understand the danger there. Keep us updated!

STR
Posts: 193
Joined: Sun Dec 14, 2014 5:52 pm

Re: Update: disclosure, reciprocity, friendship, goodbye...?

Post by STR »

Wyldgirl wrote:STR, did you read Plato's most recent update? It seems that you and he both found a way to get some satisfaction in the same manner - a kind of acknowledgement that the situation isn't all in your head. That must feel very reassuring when LE is so maddening. I will write more when I have time, but I'm glad to hear you are finding a way to make peace with this. It's sad that you don't feel you're able to have female friends. I enjoy interaction with both men and women, so I would have a really hard time saying "no more guy friends" - but I understand the danger there. Keep us updated!
I think I read Plato's update, assuming you're referring to the one that was posted a month or so ago.

Receiving confirmation that the connection between my friend and I was not "all in my head" was a big relief, if only because my brain can stop obsessively analyzing something it could never resolve on its own. I won't completely rule out having female friends, in part because I'm encouraged by my success in developing an appropriate friendship with LO. But I have to take my wife's feelings into account as well, and I'm not sure she would ever be very comfortable with me having female friends, particularly if they are younger than my wife and if my wife is threatened by them in any way.

But even if I wanted to have female friends, they don't grow on trees. The situation I have with my current friend was pretty unique and is unlikely to happen again...

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Jess
Posts: 168
Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2014 6:25 pm

Re: Update: disclosure, reciprocity, friendship, goodbye...?

Post by Jess »

Hi! I haven't been here in such a long time for the same reasons. I am so happy and encouraged to read your update STR!

Korban
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2015 10:43 pm

Re: Update: disclosure, reciprocity, friendship, goodbye...?

Post by Korban »

Fantastic post, STR!

You got to exactly where I want to be with my LO. It gives me hope.

I am trying the limited contact route. At this point in time total no contact would not work for me.

Did she end up moving away?

STR
Posts: 193
Joined: Sun Dec 14, 2014 5:52 pm

Re: Update: disclosure, reciprocity, friendship, goodbye...?

Post by STR »

Thanks, everyone. I haven't visited the forum here much at all lately.

I'll share more thoughts at a later date, but the short update is that my LO will be moving to the other side of the planet no later than early January 2016. The good news is that while the reality of her imminent departure is starting to set in, I'm able to look at a significant "bright side" that is more than holding its own against the depression. I'm actually looking forward to her leaving, despite the void it will leave in my life.

(I should add that she is hoping to move back here about 6 months after she leaves, if certain things work out the way she wants them to. If not, she'll presumably be gone for good).

PS: I still hope to post more thoughts about whether/how to be friends with an LO at some point. I've written up a fair amount so far, but haven't been motivated to finish...

Eyes_Finally_Opening
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2016 6:13 am

Re: Update: disclosure, reciprocity, friendship, goodbye...?

Post by Eyes_Finally_Opening »

Public Site (as guest)
I feel like i have been walking by the candy store every so often and looking longingly in the window, when i took the time to stop.

Registered User
I feel like i just dropped into the candy store from 10,000 feet !! There is so much MORE content, as a registered user. OMG...

I am just beginning my journey of self discovery, having wondered for so long about these strange thoughts which consume me, fixations on the LO of the period (has varied from months to my current one which is well over a year).

Finally tried therapy (she is CBT), and starting to learn more about myself and also to see my condition more clinically, ...externally, rather than just from painfully from my nside of the looking glass .....

Will share and actually introduce myself another time, to anyone willing to read ....

But just wanted to pop in and simply say" WOW" what a treasure trove !!! Excited to explore more....

....

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