Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
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WishMagick
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Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by WishMagick »

It's happening. We're becoming friends and I am not completely limerent free. Though, I would say I'm getting there.

We're not super close, and I don't think we'd ever be? But, I don't know. I'm not really thinking about it. Right now we are slowly transitioning from acquaintances to actual friends.

I'm still attracted to him. I still do get awkward around him and I really feel like he picks up on it. But, that could just be my generalized anxiety telling me that he knows what I am thinking. But, sometimes I can be totally cool and casual around him.

I don't contact him every day. I really don't feel a need to. But, I am trying to get to know him better. He recently started asking me questions again (he used to at first, then completely stopped trying to get to know me and he only talked about himself - was probably a nervous thing).

Because I don't demand anything from him, this will work. I think my attraction for him will die down once I get to know him (and his wife) more. And we can be couple friends with them. Just how I want it!

My husband and I had a married couple as good friends (almost the same age as LO and his wife) a few years back and they were awesome but I had a falling out with the woman who was my friend first. Sigh. I still really miss her a lot. And her husband was an amazing music industry connection that I just completely lost. Boooo!!
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

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WishMagick
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Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by WishMagick »

I would still say that we are friends.

We are closer to being real, actual friends than we have ever been. Not close friends, but, casual friends. I accept that we will never be close friends because some people believe that married people shouldn't have / don't need close friends of the opposite sex...

Only reason why I say we aren't technically real friends is because I still desire him sexually. But that desire will never be acted upon.
I suppress it around him. I am also no longer "awkward" around him and he isn't around me either. We have both relaxed and are able to have conversations with each other that aren't loaded with tension.

Once I stop obsessing over him completely, and stop the daydreaming / fantasizing - then what will be left is an actual friendship.

I'm looking forward to the day that this chemical shit storm in my brain calms down and I can behave like the intelligent, evolved human that I know I am! Hahah!
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

peter.rabbit
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Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by peter.rabbit »

WishMagick wrote:
Thu Mar 05, 2020 8:00 pm
I'm looking forward to the day that this chemical shit storm in my brain calms down and I can behave like the intelligent, evolved human that I know I am! Hahah!
Well WishMagick, I wish you the best of luck! You and I have much in common with our LEs.

Most of yesterday I was crushed that my LO had not acknowledged my "happy birthday" message on Facebook. I was feeling ignored, which is worse than being forgotten.

......15 minutes before I went to bed she replied:
Image


Super made my day, went to bed and slept like a rock!
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein

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Sara
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Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by Sara »

Peter rabbit why does she insist so much on the LOVE word?!! Its bizarre
I dont do that with my friends i would just say thanks for the birthday wishes
LO: happily married 34, ex co-worker
Me: happily married 32, 2 kids.
Limerence since sept 2015 (codependent ? Platonic friendship?)

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WishMagick
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Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by WishMagick »

Sara wrote:
Fri Mar 06, 2020 8:44 am
Peter rabbit why does she insist so much on the LOVE word?!! Its bizarre
I dont do that with my friends i would just say thanks for the birthday wishes
I use that word as often as possible. Even with my friends. But, we don't know how his LO feels about him...
Only she knows.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

JMS164
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Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by JMS164 »

I know this thread is old, but I wanted to add my own experience. I have tried and tried to be friends with my LO and not let the feelings bubble up, but it doesn't work. When we are friendly, we get flirty. The flirtiness instills hope in me. The hope leads to horrible ups and downs in mood. Then, I start feeling angry and resentful towards LO, because he is using me for his entertainment or as an escape from his marriage. Maybe he doesn't think about our relationship that way, but I do. The attraction between us is a fact that I can't ignore and causes me huge amounts of distress over time.

So, I'm finally doing LC (he's a coworker). I worry a lot about how it makes him feel but remind myself every time that's he's MARRIED. He doesn't need me or our dynamic in his life. It's better this way.
"Love is a human religion in which another person is believed in." — Robert Seidenberg

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WishMagick
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Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by WishMagick »

Yeah. I know it doesn't work.
I was fooling myself just like everyone does.

We aren't friends anymore. Even though he lives next door, NC is in full force. The quarantine allows me to not see him at all and I stopped wanting to message him, so I will never be messaging him again.

And I am no longer friends with his wife. I don't know what they will be doing, but I will be avoiding them both as best as I can until we find another house (my husband is going to be looking for another one half heartedly).

Though, I don't know what is going to happen after lockdown ends, right now I am trying to erase them from my life.

I can't ever know my LO in any way. I am just too attracted to him. His attraction for me (confirmed) doesn't bother him. But, mine for him truly bothers me so I can't ever be normal.

Such a shame.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

JMS164
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Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by JMS164 »

I'm sorry to hear that, Wish. You've really been through a wild ride with this one. NC and LC are really painful but it does eventually work. If you are really focused on at least trying to move on, anyway. I've had episodes of limerence my whole life and disconnection reduced obsession until eventually I moved on. I'm working very hard on accepting that he cannot give me the relationship that I want with him.

He was just in my office (I share with someone else who he came to speak to - he is astute on picking up social cues and has definitely sensed I'm avoiding him) and I said a few words to him about an issue with at work we need to address. First words I've willingly and directly spoken to him in 4 days. He seemed really happy I acknowledged him. Now my stomach hurts. I miss him so much. I hate this shit.
"Love is a human religion in which another person is believed in." — Robert Seidenberg

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WishMagick
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Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by WishMagick »

JMS164 wrote:
Thu Apr 23, 2020 4:00 pm
Now my stomach hurts. I miss him so much. I hate this shit.
I'm so sorry about what you are going through! I am FEELING this! My stomach hurts too. I am barely eating, I've stopped exercising and most of the day I lay in bed and cry. I miss my LO too. I keep going back and forth in my head whether he ever actually cared for me or not. And it breaks my heart to think he never did, but, I'm kind of hoping he never did, because if he did, then he would be feeling kinda bad right now too!!! And that would make me feel even worse than I already do.

I wanted everything to go nuclear, and it seemed like I avoided the fall out - but I subconsciously pushed it there anyway and it's all blown to smithereens. I know myself and I don't think I could ever be ok with being around him again, or even seeing him again.

I react TOO strongly to him. That would be cool if this NC for the rest of quarantine somehow allowed me to react to him in a more normal way.

Let's take it day by day and try to find strength to continue on without them. Hugs to you!
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

Overthinker
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Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by Overthinker »

JMS164,
I hear you, I'm in an LE with a co-worker too, and she can be pretty aggressive in trying to get my attention. After 2 weeks of NC, she's been contacting me all week about work-related stuff until today. I was on a high for much of the week, but on a big low today and just so mentally exhausted from the whole thing. I need peace.
WishMagick,
Glad your SO has at least agreed to look for a new house. Really sucks to be forced to move just because of an LO. I may be forced to get another job when the economy gets better.
Male, Married
LO married, co-worker

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