Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
User avatar
WishMagick
Posts: 827
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 8:00 pm
Location: Wonderland
Gender:
United States of America

Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by WishMagick »

I know most of you lovely people here think it's not possible, and not a good idea to try to be friends with our LOs, but I know some of you disagree (because of your own unique circumstances). I feel that I have unique circumstances. In light of new information that I have recently acquired, this is why I think it's not only possible, but CAN be a good idea for me, at this time:


1. I am in the beginning stages of recovery. Each day I see a new accomplishment. I am slowly wanting to, and taking more control over my obsessive thoughts. Example: I am thinking about him less (overall), I wrote him a message today asking him questions, and I didn't sit there waiting for his response. I went about my business for an HOUR and I didn't even THINK about him responding, or what he would say, etc. I am being more mindful of my thoughts. I am able to see him and just say to myself, "that is a beautiful man". And that's it. It's slow progress, but at this point, seeing him or chatting with him doesn't feel like a set-back. I will pull back if it does.

2. The 16th is mine and my husband's first date anniversary. It's been 10 years since we met, which was our first date. We haven't gone out on a date since I was pregnant with our 2nd child, who is going to be 3 years old this May. So anyways, he thought we should ask LO and his wife to watch our kids while we go out. Not only did LO agree, he has bent over backwards and come up with ideas to make our night even more special!! Sounds like a REAL friend to me!?!?!? That is how his wife is. Truly helpful and kind. This is what I was hoping for this whole time. For all 4 of us to be friends. This says so much to me.

3. I'm going to say it again, nothing will ever happen between us. He is not interested in me. My number 2 is proof of that. Someone here said he was "flirty", I think it was @NoDayDreaming - he's NOT flirty. He doesn't flirt with me. I don't flirt with him. He won't EVER flirt with me because....he's not interested in me. I can't honestly say that I don't flirt with him, because I am not 100% aware of what I'm doing sometimes. I think if I ever did (overtly), he would call me out on it, and I would subsequently be hyper aware of it and not cross that boundary ever, ever again.

@NDD might have said that because body language will always reveal if you are physically attracted to someone, and that is pretty much undeniable. But being physically attracted to someone does NOT mean you are interested in them. He might be immature, but he knows that just because you are biologically drawn to someone doesn't mean that you forget that you are happily married. He is happily married, happy with himself, not limerent, etc. so no lines will ever be crossed. I may be obsessive, and limerent, but I am not INSANE and I am not someone who crosses boundaries when they have been defined by someone.
Last edited by WishMagick on Wed Jan 08, 2020 9:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

NoDayDreaming

Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by NoDayDreaming »

friendships are good. i'm all for friendships. if you can pull it off with him, congrats. i tried to do it myself with my LO and failed. YMMV.

[...]

there used to be a lengthy sticky thread on how to become friends with LO. i can't find it at the moment. does anyone know where it is?
Last edited by NoDayDreaming on Tue Jan 07, 2020 11:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
WishMagick
Posts: 827
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 8:00 pm
Location: Wonderland
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by WishMagick »

I've seen the sticky thread! I've read through some of it, but it's a long one, so I need to keep reading!
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

L-F
Posts: 3072
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by L-F »

I don't know if we can be friends while limerent though I'd sure like to be friends now that I'm not (limerent).
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

User avatar
WishMagick
Posts: 827
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 8:00 pm
Location: Wonderland
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by WishMagick »

@L-F,

I was able to with my first LE. I was ok with being just friends with him (even though I was insanely attracted to him on every single level possible). I never made the moves on him, and he told me he only thought of me as a friend for the first 3 years of our friendship. Then yeah, we started making out with each other every so often. His suggestion.

And I remained his friend. Even though that's all he ever wanted from me.

I really, really think this is possible.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

L-F
Posts: 3072
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by L-F »

I've read your posts WishMagik, you have incredibly strong boundaries and it's great to read you were friends. For me, at this point in my journey, its really not important if I interact with LO ever again. Sure I'd like her as a friend to discuss theories with. But thinking that it would be nice to be friends is just that, a thought. One that I say 'it would be nice' and then I put that thought on the shelf and keep walking. There is no substance to that thought. Just like I'd see a pretty flower, stop to admire it, then carry on with life. Never dwelling on the flower because life holds many flowers.

Flowers are everywhere! @};- @};- @};-

I enjoy reading your posts! :) thanks for sharing your limerence experiences.
Last edited by L-F on Wed Jan 08, 2020 6:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

Idiotic
Posts: 1949
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:58 am

Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by Idiotic »

L-F wrote:
Wed Jan 08, 2020 2:12 am
@};- @};- @};-
Wonderful @};-
Last edited by Idiotic on Wed Jan 08, 2020 7:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn

User avatar
WishMagick
Posts: 827
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 8:00 pm
Location: Wonderland
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by WishMagick »

L-F wrote:
Wed Jan 08, 2020 2:12 am
But thinking that it would be nice to be friends is just that, a thought. One that I say 'it would be nice' and then I put that thought on the shelf and keep walking. There is no substance to that thought. Just like I'd see a pretty flower, stop to admire it, then carry on with life. Never dwelling on the flower because life holds many flowers.

Flowers are everywhere! @};- @};- @};-

I enjoy reading your posts! :) thanks for sharing your limerence experiences.
I would LOVE to be in that place. I feel bits of that way of thinking, here and there. I hope that means that I will be fully there someday.
Thank you for your reply!
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

MrSpock
Posts: 1021
Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:39 pm
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Gender:
Age: 49
Argentina

Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by MrSpock »

Hi WishMagik,
“Why it's simply impassible!
Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?
Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!

― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
The real question isn't whether is impossible or not, but what does it takes to do it, and if you have it.

It seems to me, based on my experience, that a necessary condition is to be limerent free. But that can happen. When the mirage of limerence is gone, whatever remains can be anything, including a friendship. Having said that, on the other hand, what remains can also be nothing. You'll have to see once you walk off the fog.

I shared this story here a few times, but here I go again: more than 20 years ago I had an LO. A "by-the-book" LO at that. We were both young and single. I disclosed and she rejected me. But, I decided to go for a friendship, so I bottled my feelings up, made sure she would never notice (well, they can always tell, but is different when is not explicit), made sure to respect all boundaries, and do what friends do but nothing else. And demanded nothing at all from her. This last part is in my experience a critical key to success.

It was, however, a very painful process. I watcher her in silence as she moved from boyfriend to boyfriend. But in time, the romantic feelings vanished and the friendship remained. We been friends every since. She now has her family. My wife is close friends with her and I am with her husband. We watched our kids grow, shared lots of time to this date. Do I still feel attracted to her? absolutely. But it doesn't mean I can't enjoy our time together everytime we meet without letting the natural attraction become a problem.

With the current LO is quite a different story, but the conditions are quite different as well. 8 months ago I disclosed and she just never ever talked to me again.. won't even look at me to nod a hi from the distance (well, from time to time she sort of goes back to talking to me, but is always just for a brief moment). But it kind of makes sense: she is 23 and single, I am 48 and married, so she's totally freaked out and we are not in a position to be friends anyway.

User avatar
WishMagick
Posts: 827
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2019 8:00 pm
Location: Wonderland
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Here's why I think being friends with my LO is totally possible!

Post by WishMagick »

MrSpock wrote:
Wed Jan 08, 2020 9:09 pm
But, I decided to go for a friendship, so I bottled my feelings up, made sure she would never notice (well, they can always tell, but is different when is not explicit), made sure to respect all boundaries, and do what friends do but nothing else. And demanded nothing at all from her. This last part is in my experience a critical key to success.
Now that is something I am very, very good at. Not demanding anything. I have years and years of practice doing that with LO #1. So, I believe I have what it takes. As long as he never ever reciprocates. And I know everyone in here says my behavior shouldn't depend on that. And I agree. It shouldn't. But, it does. Plain and simple. If a LO reciprocates (in a major way), then it tests strength that I am not sure I even possess.

Oh and I love that Alice in Wonderland quote you posted! (*)
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

Post Reply