UPDATED - He is open to a friendship - Want to be friends with LO, but seems like he does not

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
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WishMagick
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UPDATED - He is open to a friendship - Want to be friends with LO, but seems like he does not

Post by WishMagick »

I have a strong feeling that if I got to know my LO better, my feelings will fade quicker. I have been trying to get to know him by very casually messaging him on FB and by text (I will send messages like once every 2 weeks). He ignores everything I send unless it's a question. He responds to my questions fairly quickly.

But, he didn't reply after I sent a funny meme, and I sent a link from an article that was an inside joke from when we hung out together - and that tells me that he does not want to be friends. I know he's married, and I have to be really careful, but, I don't flirt with him and my texts are always devoid of any signs of my attraction for him, etc. And I text his wife and she's always very responsive, no matter what. She opens up to me and tells me her feelings, hopes, and wishes - like people do when they want to form a friendship.

But when he talks to me, it's usually about when he was younger (He is still so young! He's 32 and I'm 38) and he likes talking himself up and bragging about his physicality and accomplishments. And bringing up random geeky facts to show me how smart he is, or something?? He's even brought up how he lied about his job experience so he could get a position making more money. And it seems like he's always trying to be "cool" around me. I get some genuine moments here and there, but, he doesn't open up to me like his wife does.

I just want to converse with him more because he says a lot of things that are just plain weird (not in a good way) and sometimes ridiculous. And everytime he brags about himself and acts super cocky, it makes me not like him, which is good!!! So, I'm wanting to initiate a friendship so he's comfortable enough around me to be gross and say even stupider things and just be HUMAN so I can get it out of my head that he is some sex god that I have to hook up with.

But, he's keeping me at arm's length! In person, he usually makes conversation with me, is polite, and seems like he likes me as a person (and there are some really intense moments between us because the sexual tension is strong). But, sometimes in person, he will act like I don't exist and he will avoid looking me in the eye - and also look at me, then look down. Over and over. It's very frustrating. Like, sometimes he'll act like he's intimidated by me, but then he will pretend to be super cool and seem relaxed and confident.

Does it seem like he ignores me online because he doesn't want to be friends? I know it's not because he doesn't like me. He likes me as a person, no doubt. And I think he has other female friends. Maybe they are all even older women from church, though! Hahah.
Last edited by WishMagick on Wed Jan 08, 2020 7:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
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Pandora
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Re: Want to be friends with LO, but seems like he does not

Post by Pandora »

By his actions it is pretty clear that, for whatever reason, he doesn't want more than a superficial relationship with you. Personally, I am of the opinion that this would most likely be better for you in the long run. Trying to establish friendships with our LOs is usually the limerent mind trying to trick you into getting a hit. Friendships fuel the limerent need for intimacy, which entrenches you deeper. Believe me, I thought the same thing as you with a previous LO - 'If I get to know him, it'll take away the pedestal I have him on.' What wound up happening was that I had an affair with that LO (a married man) for far too long, and even when when she showed me the disgusting things about him, I was so limerent for him I barely cared.

Limerence craves closeness, intimacy, so any signals your mind is sending you to try to increase your intimacy with him are bad and should not be acted on. It's your mind playing tricks on you.
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Re: Want to be friends with LO, but seems like he does not

Post by WishMagick »

Pandora wrote:
Thu Dec 19, 2019 7:24 pm

Limerence craves closeness, intimacy, so any signals your mind is sending you to try to increase your intimacy with him are bad and should not be acted on. It's your mind playing tricks on you.
I'm not going to lie. What you said there makes me sad. Like, really, really sad. I know you're right. That's why I'm sad. I will give up trying to reach out to him on the internet. I wish I could ignore him in person the way he can ignore me sometimes. It's so messed up that I tell myself over and over that he loves his wife and doesn't want me to be a big part of his world. Deep down, I know it needs to be that way, and I really like his wife. I like her personality and our interactions better than I like his personality and the interactions I have with him (at the end of the day).

I feel so helpless and powerless around him. My energy is attracted to his energy and when he's around me, sometimes he does not stop himself from being drawn to me. So my instinct is to run with it, and I know I shouldn't! I know I shouldn't be friends with him.

This is so depressing.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

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Re: Want to be friends with LO, but seems like he does not

Post by Pandora »

I know, it sucks when everything within you is screaming at you to get closer to LO but logically it isn't the right course of action :( Big hugs! It's mind boggling how our monkey brains can be so self destructive.
I'm not here to be a creep,
I'm just feeling complete.
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Re: Want to be friends with LO, but seems like he does not

Post by Don »

WishMagick wrote:
Thu Dec 19, 2019 5:42 pm
I have a strong feeling that if I got to know my LO better, my feelings will fade quicker.

I just want to converse with him more because he says a lot of things that are just plain weird (not in a good way) ...it makes me not like him, which is good!!! So, I'm wanting ....[him to]... just be HUMAN so I can get it out of my head that he is some sex god that I have to hook up with.
Ditto. I have the exact same feelings. In my case she is so much younger (28 years) that I have to laugh at how ridiculous my whole situation is. Her 24 year old brain has let out several "well duh" comments that leave this 52 year old shaking his head. But when I was deep in the grips of the LE, none of that seemed to matter. I focused on the positive characteristics. Her gentle charms and empathetic personality, her ambition for self-improvement but mostly her physical attributes. Now that I have been NC for 7 weeks I still have this belief that I can break NC, see the real person and destroy that LO fantasy version of her for good.

After reading some of Dr. Helen Fishers work I realize that so much of this is driven by the brains biochemistry, manipulating chemicals that actually distort our rational thought and drive our reproductive urges. Regarding the characterstics of love, Dr. Fisher comments "This panoply of feelings stems from three primary and primordial circuits in the brain for lust, attraction, and attachment.

The complete article can be found here:
https://www.dana.org/article/brains-do- ... ttachment/

So it makes me wonder: Is the LE an evolutionary byproduct? A holdover from the caveman days? A trait that was once beneficial because it made us pursue reproduction with those who have an abundance of characteristics we quantify as "attractive" just to perpetuate the species? Is this our natural desire to reproduce attempting to wear down not only our prey but our own sense of moral obligation to those we actually love?

NoDayDreaming

Re: Want to be friends with LO, but seems like he does not

Post by NoDayDreaming »

Don wrote:
Fri Dec 20, 2019 3:15 am
So it makes me wonder: Is the LE an evolutionary byproduct? A holdover from the caveman days? A trait that was once beneficial because it made us pursue reproduction with those who have an abundance of characteristics we quantify as "attractive" just to perpetuate the species? Is this our natural desire to reproduce attempting to wear down not only our prey but our own sense of moral obligation to those we actually love?
exactly. normally, this special, crazy feeling wears off after a few months. only few of us will be stuck on this limerence feeling for a long time and suffer. i see it as an aberration or exaggeration of a normal pathway/mechanism.

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Re: Want to be friends with LO, but seems like he does not

Post by WishMagick »

Don wrote:
Fri Dec 20, 2019 3:15 am

So it makes me wonder: Is the LE an evolutionary byproduct? A holdover from the caveman days? A trait that was once beneficial because it made us pursue reproduction with those who have an abundance of characteristics we quantify as "attractive" just to perpetuate the species? Is this our natural desire to reproduce attempting to wear down not only our prey but our own sense of moral obligation to those we actually love?
That make so much sense!

My LO is younger than me as well. I usually don't like guys who are more than two years younger than myself because their maturity level is no where near close to mine - as is the case with LO. He's 6 years younger than me and is such a child. He says the most ridiculous things, but I end up finding it charming. Which, it totally isn't! Haha!

His physical features really scream out to me, and I know it's an evolutionary thing. I absolutely know that we would make beautiful, intelligent, strong offspring. My biological drive is powerful. And the fact that the way his natural skin smells drives me BONKERS convinces me that our DNA would be a good mixture!

My hope is that all his negative qualities will eventually jump out and scream at me and make me want to connect with him LESS. I really feel like this could work. As long as he shows no feelings of reciprocation, it could totally work! If he starts getting attached to me...then we may have a problem. I just don't see that happening! He has a great relationship with his wife. He's not looking for a connection with me. He's attracted to me, but he doesn't desire me the way I desire him.
Last edited by WishMagick on Wed Feb 12, 2020 12:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
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Re: Want to be friends with LO, but seems like he does not

Post by Don »

WishMagick wrote:
Fri Dec 20, 2019 7:49 pm

I really feel like this could work. As long as he shows no feelings of reciprocation, it could totally work! If he starts getting attached to me...then we may have a problem.
Well I'm certainly NOT advocating that you should try it. But if you do let me know how it works out 😉.

So keep in mind that limerence , like all addictive behavior, is enhanced by intermittent rewards. This is why NO CONTACT is so helpful. No contact takes away that opportunity of any reward.

The risk is not only reciprocation from him, but you being re-triggered. So, is the risk worth it?

I've recently spent some time giving thought to how bad this could have all turned out for me. What if my LO had been some crazy nympho who really didn't care that I was a married, middle aged, lovestruck fool? It never occurred to me until recently, that during the height of the LE, I was the vulnerable one. If she had given me what I was seeking, how bad would things be now? Yeah if they start getting attracted, we have a big problem.

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Re: Want to be friends with LO, but seems like he does not

Post by WishMagick »

Don wrote:
Fri Dec 20, 2019 8:52 pm

This is why NO CONTACT is so helpful. No contact takes away that opportunity of any reward.

That is really not possible. He is my next door neighbor. And our houses are SO close together. And I am friends with his wife, and our children are friends and play together regularly. He does a great job acting like I don't exist sometimes. It doesn't last, though. If only I could get some pointers from him how he is able to ignore me so well! Hahah!

LC is the only option for me. I can have NC with him during the regular work week, but on the weekends and vacation time / holidays he is THERE. Always.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

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Re: Want to be friends with LO, but seems like he does not

Post by WishMagick »

Is it really bad that a part of me wants something to happen??

I really am able to think of others and how devastating it could be for me and for everyone involved (though, my husband wouldn't be surprised because he knows all of this). But, I am weak. I am selfish. And I have somehow convinced myself that reality can't be as good as my imagination. And if I could just have sex with him once, the tension will be released and I can move on??

Surely I am not the only one that thinks this? I know it has worked for some that way?
But, it's a good thing that won't actually happen. He'd never let that happen. He's a better person than me, for sure.
I'm now limerence free! Mindfulness & Traditional spiritualism was my "cure".
"Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness."

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