What does a healthy male/female friendship look like?

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
Pattihopeful
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What does a healthy male/female friendship look like?

Post by Pattihopeful »

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Last edited by Pattihopeful on Sun Jun 28, 2020 1:48 am, edited 2 times in total.

NoDayDreaming

Re: What does a healthy male/female friendship look like?

Post by NoDayDreaming »

studies show that such friendship is fraud with problems:
The research above supports the notion that men and women may sometimes have very different goals and desires in opposite-sex friendships. Although both may sometimes be looking for a companion and nothing more, on other occasions, plans may differ.

To make matters worse, each sex sees the other's benefit as their own cost. Thus, women tend to find it costly and onerous when male friends desire sex and romance. Men, in contrast, find the time and money demands costly and frustrating, particularly when their romantic desires are not reciprocated. So, due to the mismatched desires, we have the makings of friendship difficulties.

What does this mean for the "friend zone"? As I have said before, the friend zone is essentially an unequal relationship, where the desires of both friends are not equally met. It may exist in a "just friends" context, where resources are being shared (usually gratifying the woman's needs), but sex and romance is not an option (usually frustrating the man). A mismatch can also occur in a "friends-with-benefits" context, where sex is being shared (usually satisfying the man), but resources and protection are not forthcoming (usually frustrating the woman).
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog ... st-friends

mamasita
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Re: What does a healthy male/female friendship look like?

Post by mamasita »

I have several healthy friendships with men.
They are no different than my friendships with women.
If we have differing motives, then we aren't friends.

MrSpock
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Re: What does a healthy male/female friendship look like?

Post by MrSpock »

While I'm sort of waiting to see how things effectively play out with LO before I comment on the "friends" thread(s), what I can say is that I have (long term) female friends, and is pretty normal. Though I suppose that it depends on what one means exactly as "friendship". Is not like I would hang out with just her for example.
One of them is even my ex-LO from 20 years ago (to whom I disclosed and got rejected). She is now married with kids and we still see each other, though always as two family gathering.

NoDayDreaming

Re: What does a healthy male/female friendship look like?

Post by NoDayDreaming »

MrSpock wrote:
Thu Jun 06, 2019 9:00 pm
Is not like I would hang out with just her for example.
Then it's not really a friendship if you can't hang out together.

Pattihopeful
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Re: What does a healthy male/female friendship look like?

Post by Pattihopeful »

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Last edited by Pattihopeful on Sun Jun 28, 2020 1:50 am, edited 2 times in total.

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David
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Re: What does a healthy male/female friendship look like?

Post by David »

Its a question we are commonly asked in our couples counselling. My answer, like the article is in most cases no.

I have learned to get some intimacy (In To Me See) needs met with other men who are working hard at being more enlightened through the Man Kind Project. We are share and support each other in a similar way to what many woman do naturally.

As for myself, I only have one close female friend that I spend one on one time. She is also a psychotherapist and recovering love addict. Her knowledge of relationships, limerence and co dependency is deep and many of our chats relate to our struggles. There is no attraction and this makes friendship possible.

My attraction to a woman would make friendship impossible. For me, I would also not want to be have a friendship with a woman that wasn't self-aware When LO expressed her anger to me that I would not be willing to have a similar friendship with her, I fed back how my desire for more than friendship would get in the way. =))
Do you want help with limerence from the founder of this site?
I'm a qualified counsellor, psychotherapist, medical practitioner and leadership coach.
To book a session see http://loverelations.co.uk/on-line-support-for-limerence-from-dr-david-perl/

NoDayDreaming

Re: What does a healthy male/female friendship look like?

Post by NoDayDreaming »

David wrote:
Fri Jun 07, 2019 6:26 am
As for myself, I only have one close female friend that I spend one on one time.
[...]
There is no attraction and this makes friendship possible.
same here. i find that woman unattractive (on different levels, not just physical) and it used to bother me, but not anymore, and now i consider that an asset, LOL. My SO knows her well and approves the friendship 100%.
David wrote:
Fri Jun 07, 2019 6:26 am
My attraction to a woman would make friendship impossible.
i'm trying to make it work with the LO, but it's an uphill battle.

Helpmeplease
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Re: What does a healthy male/female friendship look like?

Post by Helpmeplease »

I am careful now. If I find them attractive and interesting I don't even go close to trying to be friends.
That combo is rare for me so when it happens run away!

AnnieKaye9924
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Re: What does a healthy male/female friendship look like?

Post by AnnieKaye9924 »

I have never had a close heterosexual male friend that did not eventually confess feelings. So IDK, what I thought were friendships they thought as pre-dating. In terms of friendship for this question, I’m excluding couples friends, colleagues
or men I’m friends with in a group.

Maybe I’m immature, but I just don’t think I’m wired for it. Men are great as colleagues & casual acquaintances but I tend to like to confide in a more emotional person...not that men aren’t emotional, just that I haven’t really met one that I connected with emotionally AND was not attracted to. Also, I have a tendency to feel more attracted to someone the longer I’m around them. So I know that even though it might start out innocently it would not guarantee to stay that way.

Also, this may be terrible of me, but I’m just being honest. It would hurt my pride to be close with a man and him have absolutely zero attraction to me.

To me, a healthy, close, male/female relationship is a mystery because I have never really had one.

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