Mixed signals, do I have a patience? Is there any hope?

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
grizlibearr
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Mixed signals, do I have a patience? Is there any hope?

Post by grizlibearr »

Hey guys,

just to update my situation, there is no sign of being cured of this shi*y thing called LE.

The problem is that, even while trying and provoking some direct "NO" from my LO, she is kinda still involved in continuous of our relation. I mean, she got a boyfriend and I've already said to her that she is very important for me and I cant handle being "the second one". Meanwhile, I did a few stupid things which should make her think that or I'm crazy in a bad way, or just delusional.

examples: for a question, if I am wasting my time with her, she says straight "no". Moreover, she says that she feels sorry for something and being truly nice (normally, people in this situation, especially if they are currently in some relationship, say to slow down etc.). It makes me confused.

example no.2: she knows that most willingly I would turn our relationship to something more serious, and she got a bf right now, she doesn't says to reconsider our contacts and maybe we shall stop it (even when I said that I need to do that, she persisted to don't do that - couple of times). It makes me feel more confused.

In the result, my rational part of my brain says that I should leave her for good and I even tried (i.e. for a month) but then I'm still in touch with her. I am constantly thinking that I am an idiot here or just should be less pushy, more patient. Moreover, I got OCD (thinker type, not washer), what makes me crazy. I can stop thinking about all this stuff. Right now, I got even some SSRI (200 mg per day) taking for more than a month now which should minimize my pain, but I am still feeling shit. She even cannot say: "hey, we are only friends/will be only friends" or "listen, I am in the relationship and I love him. I am sorry for you" etc. She just keeps me attached and also being nice to me (not any signs of being bored or fed up).

And my LO keeps living with some other guy, while I am waiting for any signal from her like some dog.

So here are the questions:
Is it possible that I am completely delusional and what should I do? I am truly exhausted. Is it possible that I am just an idiot and right now I am feeding her narcissistic needs? Getting nothing from her tbh?

What do u think about actions from her like that? Is she some kind psycho, who doesn't understand that in the state we are right now telling me that "I always make her laugh" just make me keeping attached to her and firing my feelings towards her? Shouldn't she, being in some other relationship, say fucking "stop", "chill man, it is not gonna happen". How should I read these mixed signals? I have no answers to this questions and with my OCD, it makes me devasted and feeling pain for more than 9 months now.

I need some external, rational input from you guys. I even turned to God in my prayers to solving this, but still, I am captivated.Thanks in advance.

Idiotic
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Re: Mixed signals, do I have a patience? Is there any hope?

Post by Idiotic »

Hi Grizlibear, i remember you were one of the first to respond to my first post here. Im sorry for your troubles man. Like you told me a few months ago, i think she's just playing you , and likes the attention. You need to move on. 'you make me laugh' doesn't mean shit.
I keep dancing on my own - Robyn

mamasita
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Re: Mixed signals, do I have a patience? Is there any hope?

Post by mamasita »

I have toyed with men like that before, regretfully. This was long ago, teens and early 20's, long before I realized what I could be doing to them. Maybe some were limerent, who knows.
Blame it on my astrological sign, I'm a Leo, we love attention and spotlight. Or just blame it on greed or ego.
It feel good to be admired. I have had boyfriends (and a husband for that matter) but also had admirers.
For me, I felt special to know that someone was "waiting in the wings" for me. A man in the wings will often bend over backwards to impress or please a woman. They are super forgiving. Now this is where "girls don't like the NICE guys" gets annoying. I like nice guys. But I don't like EVERY nice guy *in that way*. For instance, I may have left my lunch at home. I could ask DH to bring it, but he will be mildly irritated, it will inconvenience him. But the guy who is waiting will bring lunch with a smile, maybe with a rose. :))
I'm not trying to make light of your feelings, just trying to give you another perspective. She probably likes you well enough and flattered at the attention. She's not going to tell you "no" she doesn't want to hurt your feelings and may not even be very good at the word NO. It took me many years, personally before I knew how to turn down a guy in a kind way. I knew how to be rude and I knew how to avoid saying no...I finally foind a balance, eventually.
Should you be less PUSHY? Yes. She's not giving you want you truly want. Should you be more patient? No. Patient for what? What you want, will not happen. If she truly wants to make you something more, she can and will. Drop the expectations and look at the here and now.

I do relate to wanting your LO to say "NO! Leave me alone!" Mine won't do it either. :ymsigh: But I had to realize, he doesn't have to. I told him to leave me alone a couple of times because "if you don't want me then don't talk to me. I can't pretend we're just cool homies B-) or something."
He still reaches out. The attention that you are giving her can become happy little hits to her ego. She will get used to them. And all the while it is draining the life and hope out of you. The change in the dynamic HAS to come from you. Waiting and watching for her are just keeping you on the same painful cycle. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I am too. :ymhug:

Spinnaker
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Re: Mixed signals, do I have a patience? Is there any hope?

Post by Spinnaker »

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Last edited by Spinnaker on Sun Jul 07, 2019 6:35 am, edited 2 times in total.
“...the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. It may even be assumed that just as the unconscious affects us, so the increase in our consciousness affects the unconscious.”
Carl Jung

grizlibearr
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Re: Mixed signals, do I have a patience? Is there any hope?

Post by grizlibearr »

You seem to be right here. It hurts so much tho...

AMA210
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Re: Mixed signals, do I have a patience? Is there any hope?

Post by AMA210 »

@mamasita: \:D/ LEO here too...feisty as all hell, basking in the golden attention of the LO.....aw, shit

Yes, it's a vicious cycle. Over and over. I changed the way I looked at it. Giving LO attention is encouraging him to being ok with getting it from the outside and not within himself. I can preach love yourself all I want but if I can't show him that by example, then it's of no use. This is how I got to the point of leaving him alone. I needed him so I felt better, happier, calmer and he needed that approval. We can't fix that until we look within. Hanging around with each other, pressing the buttons, does not help.

I did it gradually. Cold turkey was too painful. It can't be willpower because that gives out really quick in limerence. Keep at it.

L-F
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Re: Mixed signals, do I have a patience? Is there any hope?

Post by L-F »

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Last edited by L-F on Tue Oct 22, 2019 10:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
Learn to forgive...Life is too short to live with hate.
"Everything is within your power, and your power is within you." Janice Trachtman

grizlibearr
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Re: Mixed signals, do I have a patience? Is there any hope?

Post by grizlibearr »

L-F wrote:
Thu Jan 25, 2018 3:29 am
grizlibearr wrote:
Wed Jan 24, 2018 4:39 pm
So here are the questions:
Is it possible that I am completely delusional and what should I do? I am truly exhausted. Is it possible that I am just an idiot and right now I am feeding her narcissistic needs? Getting nothing from her tbh?
Here are some questions: how does this situation make you feel?

Are you happy with feeling that way?

How long do you want to keep feeling that way?

What do you think you can do to stop feeling that way?

Good luck
Thank you for that. Simple deduction is very helpful in case of LE. I will change everything (walk away) and keep asking myself your questions. This is very good.

JohnDeux
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Re: Mixed signals do I have a patience Is there any hope

Post by JohnDeux »

KaseoSl wrote:
Mon Apr 09, 2018 9:31 pm
I always use a light coating of RTV on both sides of the gaskets.
Wow!....I'm not sure how this comment relates to the discussion, but I found something called "Permatex® Gear Oil RTV Gasket Maker" via web-search which has me drooling in anticipation of my next head gasket repair! ... B-)
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

Spinnaker
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Re: Mixed signals, do I have a patience? Is there any hope?

Post by Spinnaker »

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Last edited by Spinnaker on Mon Nov 05, 2018 6:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
“...the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. It may even be assumed that just as the unconscious affects us, so the increase in our consciousness affects the unconscious.”
Carl Jung

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