A married person cannot be friends with an LO

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
Aquilo1049
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Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by Aquilo1049 »

I don't think it's possible to be friends with an LO until they stop being an LO either by transference or personal peace. I seem to always desire the physical side with my LO. That makes it complete for me. The 360. Always have done. I'll go for the kill. It's the high I get from this limerence. It is ALL consuming and I mean ALL. Because the physical for me isn't just about sex, it goes far beyond into the spiritual and that's when I reach the high and heady that limerence demands.

Although, the odd one out here is current LO which is messing with my head. I've gotten over my past LO's but not this one. Past LO's ARE friends but only because I no longer have any limerence going on with them. That has happened via transference - from what I understand.

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Nax
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Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by Nax »

At the moment it feels like LO is at the centre of my world-the bullseye- where she really shouldn't be. I don't want her off the board completely, but there's probably a vacant slot somewhere on one of the outer circles where she belongs. That's where she should have always been, really- she just took a wrong turn somewhere!
Lovely image...although I think you hacked into her SatNav and sent her to the wrong place. :)

@Aquilo - I disagree. I don't think it's easy being friends with an LO, but it's certainly possible. I think of our friendship as a layered cake that's got all kinds of textures, flavours and colours. Some nice, some not so nice. And unbeknownst to anyone it's also got a couple of shots of 60% proof limerence in it, but you can't tell from the outside.

Aquilo1049
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Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by Aquilo1049 »

Hi Nax. Love the sat nav comment :) Nice humour.

It's good to have a different perspective on the friendship thing. I struggle with it. I think I'm so negative about it because I feel having an LO takes up so much time and energy I'd rather place elsewhere. I don't feel a friend/person should take up that much of my time. It's too distracting (in terms of taking me away from SO) and although it all feels highly genuine, I wonder how much of it really is and how much of it is just projection of self rather than actual friendship. I know a lot of people will disagree with this because of the emotions behind a relationship/friendship with LO but I'm starting to feel some of it is a smoke-screen.

As I said, I am able to be friends with those who I no longer feel limerent with (although not close friends), only because the fierce emotional roller coaster from limerence is no longer there and I now see those people in the "real" sense, not elevated. Hard to explain but that's where I am on my journey.

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Nax
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Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by Nax »

Don't get me wrong, I struggle too. I went through a difficult time when he cut off contact for about 2-3 months. It was a wake-up call for me and I thought long and hard about what I wanted from him. I pretty much disclosed after that but told him that the most important thing for me was that I loved him as a friend. I promised myself afterwards that I would never approach him in a romantic way again. I don't want to risk losing our friendship by becoming romantically involved and I think he feels the same way. I'm not sure either of us are capable of having a romantic relationship. We're very close in other ways, but we'd never go for a walk along the beach or have a candlelit dinner. He's also lost his "sheen" over time so I don't see him in the same way anymore - that certainly helps. I think someone can only hurt you so many times before you can't forgive them anymore.

Rothko
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Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by Rothko »

Nax wrote:
At the moment it feels like LO is at the centre of my world-the bullseye- where she really shouldn't be. I don't want her off the board completely, but there's probably a vacant slot somewhere on one of the outer circles where she belongs. That's where she should have always been, really- she just took a wrong turn somewhere!
Lovely image...although I think you hacked into her SatNav and sent her to the wrong place. :)
Haha...I like it. :)

STR
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Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by STR »

Since I started this thread, I have been seeing my LO more frequently than was previously the case and I feel like we have started growing closer to each other than we were before. In particular, I feel like she has changed in at least one of 2 ways: (1) at the very least, she seems to have decided that I am trustworthy and that she really likes me as a person, and so she has started to share more of her inner self with me than she used to; (2) there is some possibility that she has developed at least moderate "feelings" for me.

If a neutral observer were to watch our interactions, s/he would almost certainly conclude that LO and I are "friends". We get along well, we are excited to talk to each other, we meet monthly for lunch/coffee, and we share parts of our lives with each other.

But I have thought long and hard about whether "friend" is the right word to describe us, and I am inclined to conclude that no matter how friendly our relationship is, we will probably never be official FRIENDS in the same way that I might be friends with a male or in the same way that she might be friends with anyone else in her life who does not have an SO.

I know that my LO has official FRIENDS in her life. She might not even like all of them or connect as deeply with all of them as she likes me or connects with me, but those friendships do not really have any constraints: she can do whatever she wants with those people whenever she wants, which is something that is just not the case with me. We can't hang out in each other's apartments, we can't go on bike rides together or go to a concert, or anything like that. Given that I am married and want to stay that way, there are very restrictive constraints on our relationship that render it a very different thing from the friendships she has with single people.

I don't really know what to call us, but I have learned to be OK with the idea that we are not "friends", per se. We are friendly and enjoy each other's company, and that's good enough for me.

So to put it another way, in my experience I have come to the conclusion that there is a difference between "being friendly" and "being friends"...

Aquilo1049
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Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by Aquilo1049 »

Wyldgirl wrote:I am one who doesn't particularly like my LO. I don't like how he treats his wife (who is a good friend) or his personality - except when I am smitten by how he uses his hands (anyone else have a weird thing for watching their LO drive?) or a lingering look. Ugh.
LOL @Wyldgirl, thank you for making me smile. It was about the hands and driving. One time I let LO drive my car (he'd been lusting after a go behind the wheel) and it was, ahem, amazing (Ill leave it at that). He and I share a love of cars and bikes. I don't get his cycling thing though ;) :) But I know what you mean exactly - as you wrote it.

Wyldgirl
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Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by Wyldgirl »

Glad I could bring you a smile! It's strange what limerence will bring out. Anyone doing something competently is always attractive to me, but with LO, even simple gestures take on a whole new dimension. On Halloween, I watched him offhandedly put on a tie as part of his costume and it seemed ridiculously sexy for such an ordinary task.

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Nax
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Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by Nax »

I watched LO dunking nachos in cheese sauce. It was a weird combination of disgusting and sexy at the same time. It encapsulates our friendship nicely.

Wyldgirl
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Re: A married person cannot be friends with an LO

Post by Wyldgirl »

Nax! I've seen my LO In many not so attractive situations but found a way to gloss them right over - like when you fast forward a movie to the good parts and ignore the boring bits.

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