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contact with an LO from 20 years ago

Posted: Mon Jun 19, 2017 4:28 am
by Anna
Yesterday I had a very long phone call (an hour and a half) with the first LO that really deserved that name and who sent me over the edge emotionally in 1997. Back then I came to the point where I had to go see a therapist for a year or so, to be able to deal with it. She "treated" my condition for co-dependency at the time. It was about setting boundaries , 12 step program etc.
I last saw him in Nov. 2000 when we spent an extremely memorable night (for me) somewhere in Arizona . After that, our last attempt to see each other was in Sept 2001, we had planned to go to Vegas for a few days and I had my flight ticket and then 9/11 happened and my flight didn't go and he had to go to Iraq and that was the end of that. Forced NC by circumstances, not voluntarily. On the rebound, I met my (now nearly-ex-husband) 4 months later ... well it's clear now why this couldn't go right with that much baggage somewhere..

Anyways, I went into NC for a long time at first, and after I got married we had been in contact over the phone - on and off for the last 17 years with long gaps in between .Somehow he emerged from the shadows in the past 6 months. All of a sudden he sent me an email for Xmas and we have been talking 3 times since then. Long talks, I have good conversations with him, but I don't feel limerent about him any more. I was often comparing my current LE (don't want to call it that anymore, because I think it's subsiding) with that strong one from back then to draw conclusions , comparisons, trying to learn what was going on. I had never dared to ask that "old" LO about his feelings at the time. Yesterday I did, since I don't feel the same about him any more. He paid me a lot of compliments and said that it just wasn't the right time in his life.
We were talking about meeting up in October when I have to go to a meeting in Boston. I don't know if it is a good idea , but I have a feeling that I can be around him as a friend now, without old stuff re-surfacing, but you never know. From the calls I can definitely say that I don't feel anything any more. More of a "what the ** was I doing?"

Re: contact with an LO from 20 years ago

Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 3:32 am
by Anna
I received an invitation to a company meeting in the States today and since we had talked about the possibility of meeting my former LO from 20 years ago, who lives near NY, I texted him the dates and asked if he was in the area .
I haven't seen him in 17 years. I was shocked to get his reply saying that he will try to not plan anything else for that week and fly to see me before or after the meeting. I feel completely weird now. It gave me a very deep jolt and I am a little worried about that. I had never thought that he would go for that. Yet, I am totally curious whether my growing older and hopefully wiser will change our dealings with each other. I am just dying to find out. Hope I am not going to have a relapse again, but so much has happened since I saw him last, it should be unlikely. I don't want to go through this hell of LE with him again.

Re: contact with an LO from 20 years ago

Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 6:09 am
by David
If you are committed elsewhere, you are playing with fire. Why take the risk? For what? More other esteem? Better to be honest with your SO of your urge to merge and take a look at your own integrity.

Re: contact with an LO from 20 years ago

Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 11:56 am
by Anna
Thanks for your reply David. No commitment any more at the moment, since no SO. But you are right, this is an old story that should probably be buried and dealt with in a different way. I was just curious as to how time would change perception of a situation / person. I am probably hoping to find closure with this since it plagued me for 4 years back then...

Re: contact with an LO from 20 years ago

Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 2:18 pm
by Ivanhoe
Pretty big risk. So this response is an on the one hand in the other .., Knowing nothing about where you are right now, (are you feeling fragile because of move & divorce?), if you are really working on yourself, I wouldn't see him. Too much of a distraction. But if you are taking a break or have a therapist you can talk to about the feelings, why not. We all need interesting life experiences and this would be one.

Re: contact with an LO from 20 years ago

Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 3:59 pm
by David
Anna wrote:
Wed Aug 23, 2017 11:56 am
No commitment any more at the moment, since no SO.
Apologies Anna, my error, I read now nearly-ex-husband and made an incorrect assumption.

If I were to offer advice to anyone in this situations, I would suggest a couple of years of a dating free period to get to know yourself. Us codependents get all too easily lost in relationships.

Re: contact with an LO from 20 years ago

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 12:56 am
by Anna
There are not many more emotional ties with my separated husband left, so I don't feel that would be a conflict. We have pretty much cleared the air on both sides and have released each other. It's more about myself and my inner conflict with LE, so I will take all your suggestions on board and probably not meet him, too much pressure on me anyway. When I clearly think about it, I don't want anyone making a big effort to see me with expectations that I won't be meeting.
Thanks for your warnings. That's why we have this platform... it helps to have someone from outside weigh in..

Re: contact with an LO from 20 years ago

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 4:17 am
by Sunflower
I guess I would meet him. You are newly single trying to get over your current LO and learning/experiencing limerence. If your already thinking 'what was I thinking' I doubt it will be a problem. Maybe you can be really friends. Is he single? You could learn so much from this.
But then again,maybe davids right. It could be more drama. Ignore me, I'm too romantic. I'm a dreamer. What I really wish is finally, the timing is right, fall madly and crazy in love ❤️

Re: contact with an LO from 20 years ago

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 6:48 am
by David
Sunflower wrote:
Thu Aug 24, 2017 4:17 am
But then again,maybe davids right. It could be more drama. Ignore me, I'm too romantic. I'm a dreamer. What I really wish is finally, the timing is right, fall madly and crazy in love ❤️
I get more and more cynical about romantic love as time passes by. Perhaps its an age thing? Perhaps its the work I do? Perhaps i've watched too many youtube videos about men that have become lost.

Sunflower, the white knights coming to your rescue are beta men looking for a mummy substitute. They may initially masquerade as your savior - eventually their facade wears thin. Ultimately its your job to rescue yourself. And few of us want to do that because its such hard work.

Re: contact with an LO from 20 years ago

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 2:00 am
by Anna
So I called off the meeting with him. I didn't feel that the conditions under which we were planning to meet would have been right anyway. And I was a little uneasy about seeing him again too. I don't want to upset my apple cart even more. My apple cart is a mess X_X

I am not saying that in the future I won't see him again, but the circumstances would have to be different: it would be me passing through his area and meeting him, so I can leave when I want, in case seeing him again would get uncomfortable. He wrote that he was disappointed , but oh well. I didn't give him the real reason. I just said I changed my mind about the meeting, he probably thought I meant the company meeting, especially since I am having a lot of trouble at work these days.