buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
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JohnDeux
Posts: 2004
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 11:42 pm

Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by JohnDeux »

@STR: "It just doesn't seem fair, and maybe it isn't, but there's no law that says that I have to put up with it..."

I'll just add that it's a defining saying with regards to my limerence. I know deep down that I am prioritizing something that LO is not. The fact that I can know that.....and STILL be controlled by limerent impulses speaks volumes about where I need to direct my efforts.
"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain...."~ The Wizard of Oz

peanutbutter
Posts: 293
Joined: Sat Oct 04, 2014 12:36 am
Location: US

Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by peanutbutter »

I'm sorry you are feeling this way Liv. I really feel for you. Even though you had a good night, I know you are searching for more. I had a feeling your LO was attracted to you but there is a difference between someone being "attracted" and someone "having feelings". I made that distinction with my LO. You have had so many ups and downs with your LO lately. Ugh, I know it's emotionally exhausting. You need a break.

My advice is to go NC. Let him do the rest of the work. If he wants more, wants to talk about, or whatever, let him do it. You opened up to him, he knows you like him now. I know this whole thing sucks big time. I hope you are able to clear the air with him. I need you to do something nice for yourself! You deserve it. I'm sending you a big hug right now!

Please keep posting if it helps! I'll be looking!

liv
Posts: 53
Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2014 10:19 pm
Great Britain

Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by liv »

I'm a mess. NC for 10 days. I thought that'd do me good, but no, it gets harder everyday. We got to a point right before the holidays when we could text for hours one evening, see each other at the office the day after and it was all normal and easy, and now it feels we are back to square one. was it my fault? (doesn't matter what I do, I always regret it...) I put an end to the last conversation, I played it cool I guess, I was stupid enough to think that he'd contact me at some point, I wanted to see that happening, but no, that is not the case...

I'll see him next week at the office, no way around it. Maybe that is why this gets worse, not because the NC period is longer, but because I know the day of seeing LO again gets closer...Is awkwardness going to be back? will my needy me show up again? I'll act as cool and confident as I possible can, and back to avoiding I guess.

Well...he did this thing. He made a post in fb that came from a private joke, no idea why he thought of that at that moment and decided to post it, but I was online so I made a little stupid comment which he "liked". That's it. The most ridiculous form of interaction ever. And now he is back in town (even if not working till next week) so he's just right there, 10 minutes away, he's online on fb, and still, doesn't feel like dropping a line...he's confessed as awkward, not forward, a bit of a stone wall, he even said it was his fault everything got complicated, so, was LO warning me about this kind of thing?? like I should not be surprised for the lack of initiative?? does he act like this with everyone else? I want to believe if I did text him he'd happily reply and conversation would start again, but...I don't want that. I want to be him doing so, or it'd be worth nothing...is that ridiculous??

After going back and forth now I'm sure that no, I cannot be friends with LO. I've gotten to a point where I just wish he'd disappear. Months ago the idea of seeing him gave me butterflies and giggles, now it gives me nausea and anxiety...it all has just gotten too messy and complicated, no turning back, and it's a shame, we could have been great friends, but attraction (and limerence) got in the way and spoiled everything!! :-(
Female 37, single
LO: Male 33
1 week NC and counting - VERY anxious.

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Nax
Posts: 282
Joined: Mon Feb 24, 2014 9:01 am

Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by Nax »

It doesn't have to spoil everything.
The first important thing is to have clear boundaries.
The second is to accept that you're going to get hurt if you cross the line and know how to deal with it. If you can't deal with it in an objective way then it's safer to stop the friendship altogether. Think hard about what you really want from him. Is your friendship most important or do you secretly want more? A real friendship should be based on trust and honesty, not on an ulterior motive from either side.

peanutbutter
Posts: 293
Joined: Sat Oct 04, 2014 12:36 am
Location: US

Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by peanutbutter »

Hi Liv
I am sorry for the state you are in. I remember feeling sad, anxious and desperate a few months ago at the height of my LE. It's horrible. You need to take it one step at a time. Move on and start doing things for yourself. I believe that you guys are playing a cat and mouse game though. I think your LO is also unsure what is going on. I know that I pushed my LO away many times and I was a game player. I think we do this to protect ourselves from getting hurt, our insecurities as well as trying to control everything that happens to us. I am sure you have denied him your feelings as well. As I look back on my relationship with LO I realize the limerence was a huge factor in how I acted. I tried so hard to hide my feelings, played it cool and overanalyzed everything that I messed everything up in MY mind. I have been NC/LC for months now and my anxiety has been greatly reduced however I continue to think of LO daily. I know you have to see your LO at work so it complicates things and makes difficult to implement NC.

I wish I can give you a solution. As we all know, there is no solution and we all have to do the best we can in our situation. I would hate for you to continue being awkward around him. Perhaps you need to talk to him again in an honest fashion. No BS. I think you need to figure out what YOU want and need and go for it. It's definetly not easy. What exactly is stopping this relationship from moving on?

Even though my LO has initiated contact with me several times since I went NC again he lives and works miles away. The only problem with this is I often think about the past and I am unsure when I will see or talk to him again. I do miss our conversations and for some reason this whole limerence thing has changed me. For some reason I can not find the "old me" anymore and this makes me sad. I do expect he will contact me again at some point. Like you, I still want some closure but it's hightly unlikely. I am trying to just see him as a friend and hopefully LE will die at some point. Liv, I know how you are feeling right now. But, like Nax said, you need some boundaries and figure out what you want. Are you looking for a relationship with him (other than physical?), to get away from him, and do you even like the guy?

shininggoldenlight
Posts: 64
Joined: Tue Nov 10, 2015 8:10 pm

Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by shininggoldenlight »

I've decided for me it's too difficult to be "just friends." My sexual attraction is too strong; in fact it was the reason I started the whole thing. And it gets in the way in my mind. It makes it painful, in fact. Why should I put up with more pain? What is the point? I could be spending that time with someone who is able and willing to have the relationship I want.

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