Arrrrghhhh!! How do I do to stop feeling like this!?? I've always been so independent! I cannot stand that my general mood depends on one single person who should be nothing but a office mate!
Yesterday, right before leaving the office had a nice talk with LO (some laughs, no silences, and he's using my name quite a lot when talking, and I know how sickly stupid this sounds but...my heart does skip a bit every time he says it (arhg! I'm so disgusted of myself for just writing that! lol!)) and as a consequence, I left all high and happy. Today, a smile while passing by my desk and a comment I made when he was leaving to which he replied on the go, not even stopping, and that is enough to make me feel all unwanted and insecure for the rest of the day.
The sad part is that still I wonder if LO, like I do, wishes sometimes that I'd go for a fag with him after seeing him going down. I remember, the night me made out we joked about how awkward things were going to be at the office (we had no idea what was coming!...) and LO saying "I just don't want us to be tiptoeing around each other"... is that what we are doing? But then again, no, maybe I am doing it, but he is over all that, I'm holding on to that night, but that was 2 months ago, I must let it go!!! Too many things have happened in these two months that make his lack of interest clear, so why do I still think on what was said that night... things change!
Dave, I know what you mean. If it was a different coworker who didn't show up you would have just asked, naturally, without even thinking about it, but with LO nothing feels natural and relaxed... today I had a work problem that I knew LO could help me with... well, I went and asked the other person I knew could help me, who I have almost no contact with and sits right beside LO... why?? Don't have a clue. And then I think... if LO comes to ask someone by my side something that I know (and he knows I know) I would have taken it as another sign of him not enjoying having contact with me... still the same thoughts going around my head, how can I be sure he is not interested if I give the same 'not interested' signals all the time? (And then is when I need to focus and think of the text not replied, LO's interactions with that girl, how he does not wait for me to finish my fag anymore...)
I think again about disclosure, not full, but something, I need to bring up the topic. It's true that I'm keeping the distance because I don't want him to think (or 'notice' better said...) I'm still attracted to him. I believe it would make him feel uncomfortable and we'd be back to the super awkward times when all he did was avoiding me. That leaves me in a situation where I cannot get any closer to LO but cannot get apart enough (going NC). I'd like to explain it, and if reaction is how I (rationally) expect, go ahead and lie, and let him know that any approach I do to him is 100% as a mate, that he should not worry, that I just wanted to make sure he knew so I could finally be myself around him... how stupid does that sound???
Anyway, I would still have to figure out how to get him to a place where we could talk...given the current dynamics, not easy!!
*sight... tomorrow is thursday already, another week almost gone, how much thoughts and energy am I wasting on this?? it's overwhelming to think about it...
Female 37, single
LO: Male 33
1 week NC and counting - VERY anxious.