buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
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David
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Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by David »

liv wrote:Oh sh*it!!! It's back!! I had, how long? A week of calm?
I was doing soooo well, I thought it was over!! I really did!!! Oh sh*t! I don't want to feel this again!!
Has this happened to any of you? To feel (almost) limerence free and then go back into it??
Yes, its common. Somehow, our LO's have a 6th sense and know when we've pulled back (stopped giving them narc supply) , they then re-cast their net and draw us back in. See http://samvak.tripod.com/faq28.html

Most recent episode for me was after 3 years when i was on holiday with SO and LO starting emailing me after 2 years of NC. SO was furious as i became distracted. LO is no different to a drug, ill likely always be sensitive to her and need to practice ongoing abstinence. Our LO's are the ultimate addiction. That's why being friends with her ain't ever going to work. All we can do is dust ourselves off and get back on the horse of NC.
Do you want help with limerence from the founder of this site?
I'm a qualified counsellor, psychotherapist, medical practitioner and leadership coach.
To book a session see http://loverelations.co.uk/on-line-support-for-limerence-from-dr-david-perl/

liv
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Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by liv »

Thanks for your reply David,

I'm afraid you are right, NC is the way out. My situation I guess is like trying to quit smoking but being forced to have half a cigarette each day. Not enough to get relieve for more than a second but enough to make it impossible to forget about it, longing even for that blissful second.

Thanks for the link, very interesting, and I see how that LO being a narc would explain the fluctuation on his reactions towards me, but in this case, I don't think LO is a narc, he has never really done a single thing that should have made me believe he was again interested...I'm afraid it is all on me.
Female 37, single
LO: Male 33
1 week NC and counting - VERY anxious.

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David
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Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by David »

liv wrote: I don't think LO is a narc, he has never really done a single thing that should have made me believe he was again interested...I'm afraid it is all on me.
Its all so unconscious on both sides that it takes a while for us to see the dynamics at play, if we do at all. I still hold the view that most if not all LO's are high on the narc scale, seeking "other esteem" as they have low inner self esteem. Ultimately you are right, its not about our LO's -they are just catalysts, we are the only ones that can change ourselves and we can't change others.

As for narcs, many of my psychotherapy trainee peers are still oblivious to their own narc traits, LO included.
Do you want help with limerence from the founder of this site?
I'm a qualified counsellor, psychotherapist, medical practitioner and leadership coach.
To book a session see http://loverelations.co.uk/on-line-support-for-limerence-from-dr-david-perl/

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Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by audra »

David wrote: Its all so unconscious on both sides that it takes a while for us to see the dynamics at play, if we do at all. I still hold the view that most if not all LO's are high on the narc scale, seeking "other esteem" as they have low inner self esteem. Ultimately you are right, its not about our LO's -they are just catalysts, we are the only ones that can change ourselves and we can't change others.
I agree David, during LE I was oblivious to everything except the overwhelming need to be with LO. I had no idea what a narcissist was until someone else mentioned the traits. I guess my self esteem could be low however at the time I fell to limerence don't feel this was the case. I was mirroring the long looks and smiles and it all went to my head and perpetuated my limerence, unconscious and unavoidable.
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

liv
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Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by liv »

You are probably right, but it's indeed hard to see, it's all so subtle! but energy between me LO changes from one day to the other immensely, with apparently nothing triggering those changes...

Today NC at all, not even crossing around the office. I won't do a thing to initiate contact, NC makes me feel a bit empty but it's much better and calmer. If contact is 'successful', the high doesn't let me focus or think for the rest of the day, and if it's not, the regret and the hate to myself for not being able to say something interesting just kills me and doesn't let me focus for the rest of the day. But I know contact will just happen, it's unavoidable.
Female 37, single
LO: Male 33
1 week NC and counting - VERY anxious.

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Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by peanutbutter »

Aww Liv, it sucks!!! I know, I get it. I am struggling as well and really think my LO is a narc. Who knows? The freakin guy is all over the map!

I think this is the way limerence is. One step forward, two steps back. I think we are strong though. I'm good for not initiating but suck at not responding back to him when he makes contact. And yes, a compliment, a look, a text sends me soaring. But is it real?

I'm back at n/c as well. 7 days..yay! I managed 5 weeks this summer only for him to make contact. I figure this time might be longer. Who knows? It has to end at some point! I feel like a crazy teenager as well and my posts relect that. I don't care, that's how I feel, that's how crazy it is! Don' feel bad for feeling like this. I think a lot of us do. I never thought I could get like this but somehow LO makes everything bad, good, nuts, happy, sad. And yes, analyzing everything!

Keep your head high and try to focus on work or anything else besides him. I know it is difficult but you have to try! I wish I had a dial where I can turn him off but I guess they don't make such things? Keep us updated. Stay stong Liv!

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Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by DaveBB »

I'm currently in NC too but it's weird kind which I've never experienced before - the unexpected NC. I last saw my LO on Thursday evening fully expecting to see her again yesterday morning. My long weekend went well, I kept myself busy once more, but by late Sunday evening yet again I was beginning to anticipate seeing her the following morning.

But nothing - she wasn't on the train yesterday morning, nor yesterday evening, nor this morning. I've no idea why, her two friends aren't around to ask. It's a strange feeling, one primarily of emptiness. But why do I feel that way? It's not like we have long conversations each time, I'm lucky if I can get her to mumble 'Good Morning'! However her just being there gives me energy.

Most importantly, it's felt different to other periods of NC because they were always expected and each time I managed to shut down my limerent feelings until a day or two before she returned. Each time she's been away for at least a few days I've felt much better and calmer.

This week however I've had 3 anticipated meetings with her which were 'no-shows' and it's made me wonder why she's not there, and yes my irrational mind is still active and thinking the worst. However I know that one of her friends is currently absent due to illness and the other is working extended hours this week. Surely there's a similar rational explanation for my LO's absence?

Final thought - why don't I send her a text to ask her where she is? Well, why don't I? :?:

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Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by liv »

Arrrrghhhh!! How do I do to stop feeling like this!?? I've always been so independent! I cannot stand that my general mood depends on one single person who should be nothing but a office mate!

Yesterday, right before leaving the office had a nice talk with LO (some laughs, no silences, and he's using my name quite a lot when talking, and I know how sickly stupid this sounds but...my heart does skip a bit every time he says it (arhg! I'm so disgusted of myself for just writing that! lol!)) and as a consequence, I left all high and happy. Today, a smile while passing by my desk and a comment I made when he was leaving to which he replied on the go, not even stopping, and that is enough to make me feel all unwanted and insecure for the rest of the day.

The sad part is that still I wonder if LO, like I do, wishes sometimes that I'd go for a fag with him after seeing him going down. I remember, the night me made out we joked about how awkward things were going to be at the office (we had no idea what was coming!...) and LO saying "I just don't want us to be tiptoeing around each other"... is that what we are doing? But then again, no, maybe I am doing it, but he is over all that, I'm holding on to that night, but that was 2 months ago, I must let it go!!! Too many things have happened in these two months that make his lack of interest clear, so why do I still think on what was said that night... things change!

Dave, I know what you mean. If it was a different coworker who didn't show up you would have just asked, naturally, without even thinking about it, but with LO nothing feels natural and relaxed... today I had a work problem that I knew LO could help me with... well, I went and asked the other person I knew could help me, who I have almost no contact with and sits right beside LO... why?? Don't have a clue. And then I think... if LO comes to ask someone by my side something that I know (and he knows I know) I would have taken it as another sign of him not enjoying having contact with me... still the same thoughts going around my head, how can I be sure he is not interested if I give the same 'not interested' signals all the time? (And then is when I need to focus and think of the text not replied, LO's interactions with that girl, how he does not wait for me to finish my fag anymore...)

I think again about disclosure, not full, but something, I need to bring up the topic. It's true that I'm keeping the distance because I don't want him to think (or 'notice' better said...) I'm still attracted to him. I believe it would make him feel uncomfortable and we'd be back to the super awkward times when all he did was avoiding me. That leaves me in a situation where I cannot get any closer to LO but cannot get apart enough (going NC). I'd like to explain it, and if reaction is how I (rationally) expect, go ahead and lie, and let him know that any approach I do to him is 100% as a mate, that he should not worry, that I just wanted to make sure he knew so I could finally be myself around him... how stupid does that sound???

Anyway, I would still have to figure out how to get him to a place where we could talk...given the current dynamics, not easy!!

*sight... tomorrow is thursday already, another week almost gone, how much thoughts and energy am I wasting on this?? it's overwhelming to think about it...
Female 37, single
LO: Male 33
1 week NC and counting - VERY anxious.

peanutbutter
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Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by peanutbutter »

Hey Liv! Wow, you and I are similar in our thought patterns. I was contemplating disclosure but I negotiated myself out of it. Some other posters felt that both LO and I are attracted to one another, which I believe is true, but we are both hiding it. I act the same way as you. I play games in a way but also play it cool. If I look at MY behaviour I can see how LO would get confused. I have ignored him, walked by him without looking and maybe even been rude at times. It's sort of a self preservation thing. But if he does that to me, whoa, it's the end of the world! Unfortunately, I have analyzed our relationship to death to determine NC is the best way for me at the moment. My LO does not even live in the same city so at this time this is the best thing.

I think if you can get him alone, get the courage, I would try to have a heart to heart. Maybe see where he is at? And as I mentioned in my last post, there could be an attraction between the both of you, but are there shared " feelings". I think they are two different things. For some reason, we think that our LO's are these creatures that are purposely trying to hurt us. We forget we might be giving off negative signals as well! I don't know? I am a mess myself and right in the middle of limerence so not sure if I am giving you good advice. But I completly understand the severity of your emotions and how one person can almost ruin or make your whole day. That is called the Limberbeast my friend! Keep us updated! I have been following your story.

liv
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Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by liv »

pb, I was writing in your post just at the same time, and yes I agree, it helps me to stay sane reading you have the same feelings and reactions.

The reason why I consider some kind of disclosure is because I cannot go NC. I wish I could! I cannot tell him about my limerence, he freaked out once for almost nothing compared to this... I just need to know, for sure, hear it, see his face while he says it, and then move on, but keep a way out, be able to stay cool even if dying inside... if I find the guts to ask him to go somewhere with me, I'll do it...

I understand what you mean... even if LO was attracted, even if something physical happened... what? would that cure me? probably not! knowing that he's gone through some of this mind troubles, that he has also analysed my behaviour, that he did care about it when things were really wrong...to know that I have not been playing this game alone basically... that's the only thing that could give me confort I'm afraid :?
Female 37, single
LO: Male 33
1 week NC and counting - VERY anxious.

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