buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
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liv
Posts: 53
Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2014 10:19 pm
Great Britain

buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by liv »

In the 'darkest' moments with LO, when he ignored/avoided me as much as possible I used to think I'd be happy just to be back to being causal workmates/smoking buddies who can have a laugh from time to time.... but NO, that is NOT ENOUGH!

I just learnt from FB (that evil thing!!) that LO is out today with some people from the office, including the girl I (well, and everyone else at the office...) think he is having, or wants to have something with (no proof, but as much as I want to ignore it, it's just painfully obvious). And he lied. I stayed with other mates having a quick drink around the office. We crossed with LO while walking to the tube, he said was coming from the gym and going home. He didn't want us (me?) to join them obviously.

I just feel like screaming and crying. I NEED to know. He is probably with her right now, in this exact moment while I'm writing and going totally insane!! Don't know how to cope!! how to stop this killer pain on my chest!! can't get the image of LO with that girl off my head, and then it gets mixed with the images of the only night we kissed... crazy irrational jealousy I even feel ashamed of feeling. This is killing me (this is not me).

omg! this will change it all. I was doing better, we seemed to be buddies again. We were talking as normal people, he would drop occasionally by my desk, he smiled...But now I get it, LO is totally over what happened between us, and any attraction is dead, that's why he is able to treat me as any other workmate around, I'm not 'special', i'm just one more at the office, as simple as that (he might even think I'm in the same page...).

This could not go any worse... an LO I have to see everyday who is flirting with someone else at the office. I'm afraid buddies phase is over and don't discard me suffering some sort of nervous breakdown at the office in the next few days. I wish I could go NC.

(Is this what I needed to kill all hope at once??? I just want this to be over )
Female 37, single
LO: Male 33
1 week NC and counting - VERY anxious.

Whiterose
Posts: 83
Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2014 12:23 am

Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by Whiterose »

Liv have you got some support outside of work? It's horrible that it's going on in front of you. I have experienced these feelings and the anxious feelings like I'm going to break down.

Perhaps this will be what you need to get over LO but it's a painful process.

Take care and keep talking if you need to.
WR

liv
Posts: 53
Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2014 10:19 pm
Great Britain

Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by liv »

Thanks WR. Just knowing that someone reads what feels like absolute madness and answers like, yes, I know what you mean, is comforting!!

I could have support, and a few of my friends know that I cannot get over this guy, but I have not explained anyone the magnitude of how i feel. They would just not understand. I would have not understood just a few months ago.

I should try get some sleep. The rage and jealousy are now pure sadness. I guess I'm tired. Thank goodness I do not go to work tomorrow!!
Female 37, single
LO: Male 33
1 week NC and counting - VERY anxious.

peanutbutter
Posts: 293
Joined: Sat Oct 04, 2014 12:36 am
Location: US

Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by peanutbutter »

Hi Liv!
Please read my posts, I know EXACTLY how you feel! I am going through major withdrawals right now from the past 3 days around my LO. Finally saw him after 5 months at a retreat. I drove 7 hrs with a collegue to meet him. If you read my posts you will know what transpired. It's a disaster.

I am breaking down right now. I mean I'm trembling and sobbing. I understand the intense feeling of jealousy and disappointment. During the 7 hr drive home I let it all out to my collegue. I reread all his texts for 7 hours. Why do we torture ourselves??

Twinkle
Posts: 184
Joined: Sat Sep 20, 2014 7:29 pm
Age: 52

Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by Twinkle »

Liv, that sounds like the limerence from hell. I do feel for you. I can't imagine how bad that is. Maybe he didn't invite you because he was trying to protect your feelings? Maybe he likes you as a friend but knows you'd be upset to see him with another girl? Not that makes you feel any better I suppose. Nothing I can say can help you, but try to focus your energy onto looking after yourself. If you shine, someone else will see you. Take good care X

liv
Posts: 53
Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2014 10:19 pm
Great Britain

Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by liv »

wow twinkle, you are so good in finding other perfectly valid points of view! I could believe that... until he did not even sent a lame 'happy birthday' yesterday. I have never given importance to such things, and there are some friends who didn't felicitate me and I don't go thinking they like me any less, but LO... ouch! reality check right there!!

I need to focus on myself. Go back to the gym, to my classes, step it up at work...stop wasting countless hours thinking of LO. And repeat to myself that if he does not like me anymore, that's it, he doesn't like me, nothing I could or could have done, stop regretting.

Going out today. Will do my best to keep him out of my mind and enjoy myself. Today I feel strong enough to do it, not seeing LO even for just a couple of days does me good. (I'm afraid Monday will bring the whole anxious jealousy, pain in the chest back, though)

hugs to all.
Female 37, single
LO: Male 33
1 week NC and counting - VERY anxious.

peanutbutter
Posts: 293
Joined: Sat Oct 04, 2014 12:36 am
Location: US

Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by peanutbutter »

Hi Liv!

I am sending you a hug. I feel exactly what you do right now! It can be unbearable at times. The rejection...the truth? Hopes and dreams smashed to pieces. Feeling like you are nuts. Yeah, I get it.

I am in bed sulking right now. ..for what? We both need to get moving and do something! Keep your head up darling :). As my daughter said to me, " you are loved".

liv
Posts: 53
Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2014 10:19 pm
Great Britain

Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by liv »

Sunday 10:30 pm and anxiety is in full mode. I do NOT want to see LO tomorrow. And I will, no way around it. Because of where we sit, I'll see him every time he goes up or down the stairs, every time I go to the loo, or to get some water, or when is myself going up or down the staits. We'll cross at some point, we'll say 'morning or 'hey u alright?' with indifference (faked indifference for me). And he might ask about my weekend, and I'll lie. And I'll have to listen to how wonderful his was. And I'll be all smiles, and faked happiness and trying to act all cool, and I'll see how he does not care (cause now I can see that, I'm not blind, but still limerent unfortunately). And I'll see how he drops by this girl's desk, and how he talks to her with a smile and a grin in his face...just how he used to look at me, so I know what it means!...and focusing on work will be almost imposible. Even breathing will be almost imposible at times (like it is now...).

Something has changed, that I know. I cannot get those highs from LO anymore. Fantasy is over I guess. What is the next stage then???

I can do nothing but to hope that for whatever reason he does not show up to work. That'd be an amazing relieve!
Female 37, single
LO: Male 33
1 week NC and counting - VERY anxious.

peanutbutter
Posts: 293
Joined: Sat Oct 04, 2014 12:36 am
Location: US

Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by peanutbutter »

Liv, I know you need support right now. Be strong my friend! Is it possible to ignore or avoid him tomorrow? I know this is easier said than done. I am a mess right now over my LO so I don't know how much good advice I can give. I understand about the low when the high is over. I remember the old saying " what goes up, MUST come down". I figure, I always knew the day would come when I would have to face the ending of this. I did not know how long this would last and surprised it a
held up for so long. It is a real sad, hard reality.

It's is sad when the fantasy is over because it was built up in our minds for so long and like other addicts, it helped fill a void. I understand how sad and loney you feel and I can hear this in your words. You are not alone. And yes, there are days that I wish my LO would leave the firm or get fired so there is a real moment where this is final. I won't hear his stories about other women or see him flirt with attractive collegues. I get it! All you want is to feel special to him and get back those "special moments". Every once in a while I read his old emails and I feel such a sense of nostalgia and think " he really liked me, he used to be so nice to me!" What happened? I know you probably need closure to move on and you want to know exactly what happened. I wish the same thing and sadly, we all don't get it! I'm sorry for your situation. We are here for you, please be strong and keep us posted!

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David
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Re: buddies is definitely not enough (Who was I kidding?)

Post by David »

have moved to "can we ever be friends with LO section"
Do you want help with limerence from the founder of this site?
I'm a qualified counsellor, psychotherapist, medical practitioner and leadership coach.
To book a session see http://loverelations.co.uk/on-line-support-for-limerence-from-dr-david-perl/

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