Being Friends with Married LO

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
AMA210
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Being Friends with Married LO

Post by AMA210 »

In the past three conversations with LO, he keeps saying that he always wanted to be friends. I get the impression that this is important to him, even though he doesn't tell me why. My argument with him is that we can't be friends because I have feelings and that changes the dynamic.

There must be something that he sees in me that is worthwhile enough not to let go completely and tell me to go take a hike and get out of his life.
Likewise, I see something in him that has caused me to stay around (besides the obsession/limerance). I have put up with his avoidant behaviors, pushing me away, being distant and then being really nice, etc.

I would like to have his friendship without all of the LE and romantic shit.
As I have said before, I think we can be great friends and really help each other be better people.
I really don't think we were meant to be affair partners. It goes deeper than that.

I think we need time apart now.
We have had that on and off where I think he needs space from me and I feel like I am smothering him to death.
I am pretty sure that he knows and I know that either of us won't leave the other or forget.
It's always hard for me to do this, but, in doing it before, I can do it again.
If I care about him as much as I say I do, I must do this.

Pandapants
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Re: Being Friends with Married LO

Post by Pandapants »

What happened? I thought you all were supposed to not talking per the principal? I thought he was the one who involved the principal in the first place?

IMO, no i don't think we can be friends with our LOs. I have wondered the same and I came to the conclusion that we are never going to be friends in the true sense of the word. It sucks a lot but it's the hard truth. Everyone's LE is different so maybe some people can find a way to be friends but for me personally it's not a good idea.

There was a great discussion about this very topic a few weeks back. I think it's still in the Friends forum.

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David
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Re: Being Friends with Married LO

Post by David »

AM.

I had a similar issue - LO wanting to be friends and not understanding just how hard that was going to be for me. Of course they want to be friends, they love the ego strokes, the attention and our validation because they are that bit more (or a lot more) unconscious than us. If they were more conscious, they would appreciate the pain we are in and give us the space we need to do our own work.

My own belief is when we are married and when it comes to one on one friendships with others, physical attraction + chemistry = disaster

YMMV.
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Re: Being Friends with Married LO

Post by Casey.k »

My LO isn't married but I'm trying to figure out if I can be friends with him. It's certainly difficult. The last time we saw each other I wanted to clear the air so we had a talk about what's been going on and I asked him does he think we were ever really friends and he said yes and said please be my friend. I don't know if it's for ego strokes for him like David said, but I'm not sure if it's going to be good for me. Right now I feel like I'm over my LE, but I am not sure if I should put myself at risk being in contact with him and being his 'friend'. So I'm inclined to think that being friends with an LO is probably not a good idea.

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Re: Being Friends with Married LO

Post by AMA210 »

David wrote:
Mon Mar 27, 2017 7:55 am
AM.

I had a similar issue - LO wanting to be friends and not understanding just how hard that was going to be for me. Of course they want to be friends, they love the ego strokes, the attention and our validation because they are that bit more (or a lot more) unconscious than us. If they were more conscious, they would appreciate the pain we are in and give us the space we need to do our own work.

My own belief is when we are married and when it comes to one on one friendships with others, physical attraction + chemistry = disaster

YMMV.
YMMV - what does that mean please? Our experiences seem to be similar.

Within my "normal" conversation with him last Friday, I got more insight into where he is at. He doesn't realize he is avoidant at all. His self image isn't as good as I thought it was, even though he acts very confident. So much has come out of this interaction already......I am seeing this LE in a new way and yes, he is an ordinary person, like me, flawed, doing the best he can. I have a clearer picture of why he stepped into my space and I now need to focus on dealing with the OCD/addiction/codependent of myself. I just need to know that he is there and he won't leave.

I need to do this work and and DH can't be part of it really, but our relationship will change as a result of it. I am trying to figure out if he is avoidant also or secure attached.

LO got several ego boosters from me, so I asked him if his ego was inflated and he said no not really. I said bullshit and then he said well a little. Maybe guys don't realize that women know about such things. ;)

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Re: Being Friends with Married LO

Post by AMA210 »

Pandapants wrote:
Mon Mar 27, 2017 1:51 am
What happened? I thought you all were supposed to not talking per the principal? I thought he was the one who involved the principal in the first place?

I know right. Damn, just can't keep us apart. Talked to him on Friday for 15 minutes, not a planned conversation like before, but going at it, like we did before this limerance BS. Standing by the garage, out in the open--I'm sure the principal saw us, but decided to just let us talk it out. We are adults after all right?
So many insights came from this. I learned quite a bit about him and where he stands and how he doesn't quite understand why this such a huge deal for me. Afterwards, I felt weird so I went to talk to the principal, and told her that he has to help me here because he is the other half of this. I told her I am trying a different counselor in 2 weeks and that LO has brought this out in me and it needs to change. She also told me that he got the job at school in late summer, so he did kind of lie about that.


IMO, no i don't think we can be friends with our LOs. I have wondered the same and I came to the conclusion that we are never going to be friends in the true sense of the word. It sucks a lot but it's the hard truth. Everyone's LE is different so maybe some people can find a way to be friends but for me personally it's not a good idea.
I dont think we can be hang out all of the time friends. More like support friends. I can be what he needs, but not in a romantic sense. I can listen, share experiences, teach him to stand up for himself and say no, not be so afraid to open himself up to another, etc, and he can teach me how to not be so dependent on someone else and be more guarded with my emotions, and indulge our being kids at heart as well.

There was a great discussion about this very topic a few weeks back. I think it's still in the Friends forum.

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Re: Being Friends with Married LO

Post by Heart_Open »

I would love to be friends with a male without it getting weird. I suppose since meeting this LO though I have found it easier to be just friends with other males without it getting silly.

I have said before that I just wanted to be LO's friend - I would have loved to have gone to the pub with him for example, but... would I have kept that as platonic friends? Probably not, there would have been an agenda there to let alcohol determine the outcome probably. Two 'friends', both married to other people (he is as good as married), going out for a drink just the two of them? That wouldn't wash with my DH I know that!

There was a night when I remember him talking about going to the coast for some reason and that he was going all on his own and had no-one to go with. He kept repeating himself, as if he was dropping a massive hint. I froze. I so wanted to go but knew it was so very very wrong. I couldn't have gone home to hubby and said oh so and so and I are going to such and such tomorrow. Just not done when you are married is it? :(

I wanted a male friend when I was younger. I found it hard to fit in with my girl-friends as it was. I wasn't into the things they were into. Instead I found myself with boyfriends who were older than me. My first boyfriend was 5 years older and then, for some god forsaken reason ended up with an idiot 11 years older than me who I married and had 2 children with. The least said about him the better, but we started out as friends.

The short answer: with current LO, it would have been great to be friends. But it would not have worked.

Pandapants
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Re: Being Friends with Married LO

Post by Pandapants »

@H_O I was thinking about this and I have never been friends with a straight man before without it getting weird. Haha. I have some couple friends that we go out with but I never hang out with the guy alone or text him or anything. I have always just clicked with women or gay men more.

I think Davids response is very true.

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Re: Being Friends with Married LO

Post by David »

Aquamarine21 wrote:
Mon Mar 27, 2017 11:19 am
YMMV - what does that mean please? Our experiences seem to be similar.
Your milage may vary.

Yes our LO's do sound similar.
Do you want help with limerence from the founder of this site?
I'm a qualified counsellor, psychotherapist, medical practitioner and leadership coach.
To book a session see http://loverelations.co.uk/on-line-support-for-limerence-from-dr-david-perl/

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Re: Being Friends with Married LO

Post by Dunk16 »

"Of course they want to be friends, they love the ego strokes, the attention and our validation because they are that bit more (or a lot more) unconscious than us. If they were more conscious, they would appreciate the pain we are in and give us the space we need to do our own work."

SO. MUCH. THAT!
"Your beliefs keep you attached to a specific vibrational level. Change your beliefs and you will change your vibration. Change your vibration and you will change your whole world." —Roxana Jones

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