What would you say to your LO who is happy to be friends?

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
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David
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What would you say to your LO who is happy to be friends?

Post by David »

I posted this over a year ago on the tribes.net forum.

I've arranged to meet up with LO in a couple of weeks for coffee and to talk about my limerent experience. We chatted for 5 minutes last night as that's all the time we had, the first time i've had a proper one to one with her since going LC 18 months ago.

I'm not looking for any form of consummation nor confirmation, I'm beyond that plus my marriage is now stronger than ever and that is where my commitment lies. I cant deny though i still feel an attraction towards her. I don't think no amount of science nor intellectual understanding can decipher that.

I am hoping by having a "radically honest" conversation with LO, i can clear the air, break the last tendrils of the fantasy and move onto a friendship that is similar to others i have with woman at college where there is attraction but no past history of limerence to distort my filters.

So my 2 questions are:

1- what would you say to LO?
2 - how would you describe your LE to your LO - this is something i feel the need to do as a way of explaining why i felt the need for NC
Do you want help with limerence from the founder of this site?
I'm a qualified counsellor, psychotherapist, medical practitioner and leadership coach.
To book a session see http://loverelations.co.uk/on-line-support-for-limerence-from-dr-david-perl/

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Userlevel6
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Re: What would you say to your LO who is happy to be friends

Post by Userlevel6 »

David,
I'm not sure you really want to know. If you do want to read what my experience was, know up front that my relationship with my LO was and forever will be unique to us. Maybe hearing something of my experience will help you, maybe it will make you think twice. I hope your experience is nothing like what I'm about to relate.

My LO wanted to continue to be friends over 25 years ago, before either of us eventually married other SO's. The first time ended like a bad movie about "unrequieted love". I don't exactly remember what year it was, but I was in my 20's, after she had broken up with me for the last time, some time during after 1985. I was trying to just exist in the same college town, the same world, while she moved on with her life and I forced myself to do my best to do the same. Eventually I told her directly that I was unable to stop thinking about her and us as having a future together, and it was driving me mad. I could never hope to have a normal friendship with her again unless I broke all contact, because I simply could not turn off my feelings for her and just be her friend. So, in my mind that act preserved a chance for us to be friends at some future date, and of course I still held out hope that it could re-develop into more. I always held out some hope that she would contact me at a time when I was ready to start with a friendship again.

Fast-forward to 2006. She contacts me by sending an e-mail through Classmates.com. Oddly enough, I receive this message from the 'site not 45 minutes after looking for her name and pictures for about the 4th time in the previous couple of years. (So, it's not like I'd been doing it a lot or regularly, just had gotten curious sometime after the site came into existence and looked her up to see what she might look like. And after doing it once, of course I longed to look at those pictures. So when I say 4th time, what I'm really thinking it was, was the 4th time period in these couple of years, after around 21 years since last contact. Each of those 4 periods lasted from probably a few days to a couple weeks, with me going back to look at her current, still beautiful face and those eyes... several times, trying not to go too much for several good reasons, but still powerless to resist looking, hungry for any sort of info on how her life had turned out without me, and hoping she was in a good place.)

SO... I had just looked less than an hour before and I get this message, which I go back to read.
"Man, you look just like someone I used to know."
After I stopped trembling, and telling myself to calm down, I composed myself enough to decide I was going to reply in such a way that she might not respond again if she read between the lines, but maybe she would. I replied
"Woman, I AM someone you USED to know!"
I was just beginning to become a mad mix of euphoria and long-repressed anger at being left alone. (This in spite of my logical mind for years knowing it was the right thing to do to break contact, since the "love" feelings were longer reciprocal and I couldn't bear the friend zone.)
She had gotten re-acquainted with an old friend and his wife, and she wondered how my life was going now
Within a couple messages over the course of about a week, she opened up and filled me in on details about her life, and I did the same. It felt so much like old times, being able to finally interact at all again, I was on cloud nine and in hell at the same time. If I wasn't married already, things could all have maybe gone as I had hoped.
So...that mad mix took me down a path of rejoicing over the return of a long lost best friend, being terrified of what this might mean to my already rocky relationship with my wife, and preparing to potentially hurt or drive away one or both women. My irrational mind began scheming possibilities of how I might "have my Kate and Edith too" even. My selfish and irrational mind even considered the possibility of a reunion complete with a last chance at a male child in my life, and maybe this was meant to be. I thought about my real love for my wife, and how I wished my LO had not chosen a time when I was for several reasons beginning to question how smart it was for DW and myself to have chosen each other.
My rational mind eventually made a cold decision. I would REALLY open up and show her my reality. I would have to lay a sample of my inner beasts before her; show her the madness of euphoric and depressing thoughts swirling in my mind and present them as what I dealt with on a regular basis for many years, and what I occasionally still had to fight down and swallow when I thought of our past, and how there was a painfully twisted psyche here. Show her the black loneliness I had endured without her and tell her that if she could know that I had this in my mind and still want to be my friend, I was up for trying. I would do this thing and see where the chips fall.
Well, that had the effect that one half of me desired, I think; I inflicted emotional pain. Then my other half was so regretful that I tried in vain, several times, to re-connect. She allowed me to re- "friend" her on Classmates for awhile, until my stupidity took over one more time and asked her stupid questions again about "why." What was it that made her fall out of love with me so many years ago? It's an un-answerable question; it just is that way. We started dating too young for her, and I was too mentally & sexually nearly ready for a permanent mate at 17, in my mind.

In the end, I still wish to be friends with her, but I'm pretty sure I pushed her permanently away.
Sorry if you wanted a tidy answer and I wrote a book. The tidy answer in the middle is, I told her I wanted to be friends but I could not handle it. But that's just me.

Good heavens, my legs are quivering. I think I'm feeling a bit of the ol' brain drugs.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.

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psykkoman
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Re: What would you say to your LO who is happy to be friends

Post by psykkoman »

Userlevel6:
Your story touched me deeply. I am preparing for NC right now. I tried to be friend of my LO for two and half year, without any success. Desire and fantasizing returned always. And as I can see, even after years and years there is still possibility, or even certainty, for relapse. Which makes me really sad.
"It is impossible to be authentic and to do what other people approve of at the same time." (Teal Swan)

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