Sticky: Tips/thoughts on how to be "just friends" with an LO

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
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NoDayDreaming

Re: Sticky: Tips/thoughts on how to be "just friends" with an LO

Post by NoDayDreaming »

mamasita wrote:
Thu Feb 28, 2019 6:45 pm
Rejection does not always kill limerence. Some LOs are not good at rejection, don't know HOW to reject someone, don't feel OBLIGATED to explain openly and clearly, and/or enjoy the attention.
When all of this started for me, I openly communicated. I want you, do you want me too? He said YES. Can we get together? He said YES. We made plans, dates, all of which he stood me up or stopped communicating for a day or 10. I tried again and again. Sent sexy pics, seduced with all my might. Finally LO said he can't. I told him I understood. But he continued to reach out, encourage me, and engage in small talk which always led to flirting from both of us.
Our LOs are not obligated to reject us. and sometimes they simply won't. The limerence escalated for me because of the uncertainty. Does he still want me? Was this all a game? Am I special to him? Again, he would likely say even today that yes he wants me. I suspect he also thoroughly enjoys the compliments I would pay him, the flattery, the attention. He wanted to touch the fire without burning the whole place down. And I don't blame him. Everything we did was talk. He never took action. That should have been all the rejection that I needed but I couldn't accept it.
your limerence escalated due to uncertainty, because he never properly rejected you, and he wanted to play with you like with a pet.
when i talk rejection, i mean the treatment i got from my LO: she refuses to say she likes me, she makes clear she is incapable of having any romantic feelings toward me, as she is limerent toward someone else, and she asked me for NC until I could be just friends with her again. she clearly knew what i was going through, and she helped me, even though she can't help herself.
Last edited by NoDayDreaming on Thu Feb 28, 2019 7:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

mamasita
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Re: Sticky: Tips/thoughts on how to be "just friends" with an LO

Post by mamasita »

jack wrote:
Thu Feb 28, 2019 7:15 pm
mamasita wrote:
Thu Feb 28, 2019 6:45 pm
Rejection does not always kill limerence. Some LOs are not good at rejection, don't know HOW to reject someone, don't feel OBLIGATED to explain openly and clearly, and/or enjoy the attention.
When all of this started for me, I openly communicated. I want you, do you want me too? He said YES. Can we get together? He said YES. We made plans, dates, all of which he stood me up or stopped communicating for a day or 10. I tried again and again. Sent sexy pics, seduced with all my might. Finally LO said he can't. I told him I understood. But he continued to reach out, encourage me, and engage in small talk which always led to flirting from both of us.
Our LOs are not obligated to reject us. and sometimes they simply won't. The limerence escalated for me because of the uncertainty. Does he still want me? Was this all a game? Am I special to him? Again, he would likely say even today that yes he wants me. I suspect he also thoroughly enjoys the compliments I would pay him, the flattery, the attention. He wanted to touch the fire without burning the whole place down. And I don't blame him. Everything we did was talk. He never took action. That should have been all the rejection that I needed but I couldn't accept it.
your limerence escalated due uncertainty because he never properly rejected you and he wanted to play with you like with a pet.
when i talk rejection i mean the treatment i got from my LO: she refuses to say she likes me, she makes clear she is incapable of having any romantic feelings toward me, as she is limerent toward someone else, and she asked me for NC until I could be just friends with her again. she clearly knew what i was going through and she helped me, even though she can't help herself.
Gotcha. I totally agree. I have been in your LOs shoes and because I was/am limerent for my OWN LO L-) ...AND I am married, I carefully rejected a man who cares for me deeply, and whom I have history with but I could tell that he wanted a lot more form me than I would ever ever give him. For the record, rejecting him in the way that I did (direct, no question)was very hard for me because I am by nature a compassionate caregiver type. But I gave him what I wished my LO would give me. Honesty and direct communication. #:-s

NoDayDreaming

Re: Sticky: Tips/thoughts on how to be "just friends" with an LO

Post by NoDayDreaming »

mamasita wrote:
Thu Feb 28, 2019 7:20 pm
I gave him what I wished my LO would give me. Honesty and direct communication. #:-s
you did the right thing. he was lucky to have you as a LO. i assume you are not friends with him anymore?
i've got a situation at work, where i'm thinking a much younger coworker behaves funny around me and it crossed my mind, even if unlikely. she mentioned a few times how lonely she feels.
on the other hand, she is anxious a bit, and moved from a different country, and maybe that gives me a wrong impressions. if she ever say anything to that effect, at least I would know how to act to cut it short.

mamasita
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Re: Sticky: Tips/thoughts on how to be "just friends" with an LO

Post by mamasita »

jack wrote:
Thu Feb 28, 2019 7:33 pm
mamasita wrote:
Thu Feb 28, 2019 7:20 pm
I gave him what I wished my LO would give me. Honesty and direct communication. #:-s
you did the right thing. he was lucky to have you as a LO. i assume you are not friends with him anymore?
i've got a situation at work, where i'm thinking a much younger coworker behaves funny around me and it crossed my mind, even if unlikely. she mentioned a few times how lonely she feels.
on the other hand, she is anxious a bit, and moved from a different country, and maybe that gives me a wrong impressions. if she ever say anything to that effect, at least I would know how to act to cut it short.
I am "friends" with him in the sense that he has my phone number and can occasionally reach me if he wants to. Sometimes he texts me small talk. Sometimes I respond a bit, most of the time I don't. Not anymore.

I removed him from my social media and told him that I would not come see him or go out to eat with him. We dated 26-27 years ago for a brief time and then he found me on Facebook just last year. He was very happy to reconnect, and I engaged with him a bit before I laid out boundaries. In the past year he quickly became clingy and his expectations were completely out of left field. Between my real relationship and the one in my head (LO), having this old boyfriend ALSO bringing me expectations was just too much for me.

I think if you have become limerent even once before, you have a tendency to read into interactions with the opposite sex and turn it into happy daydreams. I haven't had any other LOs, but I do see the patterns in my mind when I see someone attractive who is also kind to me.

NVTS
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Re: Sticky: Tips/thoughts on how to be "just friends" with an LO

Post by NVTS »

mamasita wrote:
Thu Feb 28, 2019 7:43 pm
jack wrote:
Thu Feb 28, 2019 7:33 pm
mamasita wrote:
Thu Feb 28, 2019 7:20 pm
I gave him what I wished my LO would give me. Honesty and direct communication. #:-s
you did the right thing. he was lucky to have you as a LO. i assume you are not friends with him anymore?
i've got a situation at work, where i'm thinking a much younger coworker behaves funny around me and it crossed my mind, even if unlikely. she mentioned a few times how lonely she feels.
on the other hand, she is anxious a bit, and moved from a different country, and maybe that gives me a wrong impressions. if she ever say anything to that effect, at least I would know how to act to cut it short.
I am "friends" with him in the sense that he has my phone number and can occasionally reach me if he wants to. Sometimes he texts me small talk. Sometimes I respond a bit, most of the time I don't. Not anymore.

I removed him from my social media and told him that I would not come see him or go out to eat with him. We dated 26-27 years ago for a brief time and then he found me on Facebook just last year. He was very happy to reconnect, and I engaged with him a bit before I laid out boundaries. In the past year he quickly became clingy and his expectations were completely out of left field. Between my real relationship and the one in my head (LO), having this old boyfriend ALSO bringing me expectations was just too much for me.

I think if you have become limerent even once before, you have a tendency to read into interactions with the opposite sex and turn it into happy daydreams. I haven't had any other LOs, but I do see the patterns in my mind when I see someone attractive who is also kind to me.
Reading into things:

I of course have a tendency to this, not only with interpersonal relationships but exams. When I took my bord exams so I could land a residency ine of the big caveats was to not read into the question too much.
In medicine there are so many gray areas that it’s difficult to think in a straightforward fashion. If the patient has a cough it can be a million different things but there are only 4 or 5 answers to pick from. I did pass all the boards but I now realize that I do this with just about everything in life. Hence the interactions with LO were dissected ad infinitum(still are). Perhaps it’s just the way my brain is wired from childhood, escaping into my own little imagination and thinking about all sorts of magical and impossible stuff!
When all else fails;
READ THE INSTRUCTIONS!

NoDayDreaming

Re: Sticky: Tips/thoughts on how to be "just friends" with an LO

Post by NoDayDreaming »

mamasita wrote:
Thu Feb 28, 2019 7:43 pm
I am "friends" with him in the sense that he has my phone number and can occasionally reach me if he wants to. Sometimes he texts me small talk. Sometimes I respond a bit, most of the time I don't. Not anymore.

I removed him from my social media and told him that I would not come see him or go out to eat with him. We dated 26-27 years ago for a brief time and then he found me on Facebook just last year. He was very happy to reconnect, and I engaged with him a bit before I laid out boundaries. In the past year he quickly became clingy and his expectations were completely out of left field. Between my real relationship and the one in my head (LO), having this old boyfriend ALSO bringing me expectations was just too much for me.
Thanks for explaining. that helps me understand her behavior, too.
Last edited by NoDayDreaming on Thu Sep 19, 2019 4:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

songofhiawatha
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Re: Sticky: Tips/thoughts on how to be "just friends" with an LO

Post by songofhiawatha »

Survived the reunion and LO was very friendly, as was her SO. May be able to convert it to a family friendship. Here's hoping. It has been pretty good agony these past years and I expect that LO has been oblivious to the saga.
Anyway, I would not have missed the experience. Sounds contradictory, I know, but I think many here will understand.
SoH

NoDayDreaming

Re: Sticky: Tips/thoughts on how to be "just friends" with an LO

Post by NoDayDreaming »

songofhiawatha wrote:
Sat Mar 02, 2019 11:42 am
Anyway, I would not have missed the experience. Sounds contradictory, I know, but I think many here will understand.
if you mean it was a good experience, i agree 100%. i'm a better person thanks to this and the previous LE. definitely a better husband to my SO.

Yesnomaybeso
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Re: Sticky: Tips/thoughts on how to be "just friends" with an LO

Post by Yesnomaybeso »

I just realised that I can’t be friends with my LO. I really did try. I wanted so badly to keep them as a friend.. friends are hard to come by for me. But today I made a decision to delete them off social media for good. It’s a crappy feeling.

LadyChat
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Re: Sticky: Tips/thoughts on how to be "just friends" with an LO

Post by LadyChat »

Hang in there yesno.

It is a crappy feeling, but as much as I’ve tried to fight it I think complete n/c and no social media is the way to go. When I was still friends with my LO on social media I’d find myself constantly changing my picture, uploading music, facts etc that I thought he’d be interested in...all for a few crumbs of attention. Then you end up in a ridiculous scenario of you like mine I like yours...all of which is actually totally meaningless.

As hard as I tried I don’t think friends with someone you have been/are limerent for is possible. :ymhug:

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