reciprocity, abandonement and guilt

A common and understandable desire, can it work?
AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

"reminiscing..."

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

_as best a description of *ex*-LO#5 as could be found:
astrophilosophy.tumblr.com/post/49379112119/venus-in-virgo
or mine,
astrophilosophy.tumblr.com/post/49042949273/venus-in-taurus
--
this and other such 'signs' again and again manifesting themselves before me that it's simply disconcerting and i can't help but feel that i am indeed fighting against Fate itself. not that this is my first time doing so.
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: reciprocity, abandonement and guilt

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

_Speaking of disconcerting signs and
ex-LO#5-
raginguniverse.blogspot.nl/2007/02/north-node-in-libra-or-seventh-house.html?m=1
me-
north node in aries.
--
won't even comment on the tragic misallignment (and this aspect is VEEERY significant) but just want to draw attention to the feeling of vimpirism i had, of me stealing her energy (which every article says these people give off) during the heat of our LE, and with that catapulting to self - discovery and all else that followed...
--
wrt to the previous post the "signs" don't make sense unless well acquanted with my previous posts, where i repeatedly mentioned how i felt that she gave of a "perfected woman" vibe. this w/ out any knowledge of these astrological readings which i have to say are really taking me in!
--
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: reciprocity, abandonement and guilt

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

darn! i forgot to say how i "practiced hate."
simple, whenever i want to get rid of her i just imagine her rolling around in bed with one of her two bfs and i just get turned off so quick it makes me laugh.
hehe.. this is becoming so easy...
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

taking it up a notch

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

_trigger warning!
-
-
-
-
i was throwing out some food that was left over and i was surprised by how digusted i was from looking at it- it was decomposing- considering how i was enomoured by it just yesterday. this triggered an idea.
i will look at(mdtt on) a corpse to dispell my adoration of ex-LOs physique and face. i'm sure i can find some pictures.
at this time i am incredulous at what happened in the past few months. i was aware of this meditation technique(buddhist) and yet i was unable/unwilling to employ it. i was holding on INTENTIONALLY- are you ready?? and have you decided? dear mind! because i am just waiting for you, the means to emanicipation are all over the place. but you prefer to hold on to a piece of garbage like an insane homeless person and cling to it like dear life.
pfffft.
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: reciprocity, abandonement and guilt

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

_well i am back at my parents home today- a break. and this time i'm just done. i will say it with confidence that i am just done with this. i am in control of my thoughts and feelings and it's just tiny remnants remaining which i am just confident i could brush off in a short time. i am done.
not having complete control over my irrational/confusing thoughts re this-past-whatever(or i'd be a master or sth, but i'm just a healthy normal person right now), it's common sense that i have to now concoct some context to view anything regarding her and this is where i am running into a bit of trouble.
i am here once again. this time just feeling like the old me, or even better-with more experience and repertoires of techniques for dealing with my d/t uproars of emotions/thoughts- and i have been considering since yesterday what COA i am going to pursue now. and life *as always* keeps rushing me urging me to plan preliminaries for the next phase before this one fully matures, because i am now home for a week and returning to campus i will not come back for another three months.
so obviously it would be advisable to decide on and take forceful measures right now.
do i keep ragingly silent? and cut off all future by utilizing my classic cruel personality? or do i do the unusual and make contact?
tried the corpse mdtn, it didn't work well, maybe b/c we have become so accustomed to corpses and viscera or sth(and i was gazing at real corpse pics), i know what shakes me and it's the vajrayana archetypes with vengeful female demons decapitating aspirant monks and dancing over their carcasses, think Kali the man devourer, but this makes me run into an (re-)investigation of the greater whole approach to females which i am just grudging to do.
this girl just always keeps prompting me to tackle this concept.
hhhhh, obviously lots points but even with my blabbering ability it is still unimaginable to let anyone who reads this into my mind. it suffices to say that my LE and dillema is but just a tiny fragment of a whole issue of spirituality, world view and worldly affairs yet all closely tied to eachother as a result of my resolving on focused aspirations, thus giving a common theme to all my life. hence the reason for my outpouring of issues seemingly unrelated to the issue at hand. i just can't make heads or tails of the subject without providing the greater context that is my life.
shall i revise my approach to women? is it possible to tread the thin middle line of platonic friendship(or even platonic romance)? why go into this whole trouble in the first place?! and is there a greater purpose to life just keeping things like this? do i, and she, derive some sort of benefit? were we always meant to? or is this evil? b/c if so, then it must be more persisitent and powerful than i ever imagined!
i love initiatives and uncompromising full measures and this just manages to keep me off balance. either way i decide i want to do it full on and HARD. but i just can't shake the idea especially nowadays that this "chance" doesn't have to suffer just b/c i am seeking complete clarity and control concerning the subject matter.
as always back to square one and i am right in the middle of my dillema. and time keeps ticking.
and yet a tiny margin yells loud with rage and wrath that i should do the final annihilation- the classic Anji(YMA) move. :-/
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: reciprocity, abandonement and guilt

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

_at parents' home for the mid year break.
lightly toying with the idea of making contact with F- since i now consider myself perfectly recovered. but just lightly, meaning with indifference as to the outcome.
i still appreciate her physique and face which i am trying to neutralize.
mdtn on corpses didn't work.
i now have a much better approach taken up since yesterday which is "meditation on the ugly".
instead of averting my gaze or attention whenever i see unflattering appearances i will now pay attention to them. this is to remind myself of : the continuum and my narrow vision caused by my intentional self delusion.
this self delusion is b/c i was (HEAVILY) reliant on feminine beauty for self rejuvination over the years. but only the best and most exquisite. this has come to delude me that women are perfect creatures.
the ugly, the pompous, the artificial, the bantering, with bad digits, disrespectful, spiteful.... then she will blurr into the background of all women in the world and appear as naught but just a part of the continuum b/n "bad and good"; in my eyes of course.
i must prepare to say bye bye to intoxication with feminine beauty!
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: reciprocity, abandonement and guilt

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

_since i am going to leave this city in a couple of days i summoned some energy and tried to think of my situation and why i am just blocked from making contact with ex-LO as i am now recovered from obsession... and still i found the pros and cons balancing in various ways.
gave it a nice detailed analysis which i had planned to post on this board if it hadn't been for the last statement:
*all this confusion is simply b/c of physical weakness and is immaterial.
soooo that did it. though i am now not under the influence of obsession and uncontrolled feelings, i still know there is a further, albeit more enjoyable, journey ahead to lead to excellent authority over thoughts and feelings.
i have achieved that years ago. i have savoured that state. and i have ascertained without a shred of doubt that most(almost all) thoughts are insanity itself. that with excellent suppression of the belly and stomach with the means of excellently inflated lungs, thoughts are done for, and pure only essential action follows preceeded by pure only essential brief thoughts. that's it. if it had been at that time, with this balance of pros and cons i simply would have made contact tomorrow morning. or just silenced the issue once and for all.
so again, the same work awaits. i will again push for a higher physical harmony and the realizations/decisions will simply follow. only its not limerence i am now trying to snuff out, its useless thoughts.
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

an afternoon at the lake and general observations re the past week or two

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

_went up to the lake today hoping to pass the afternoon in the melancholia of the still water and lazy sceneries reminiscent of the land of the lotus eaters.
went tolerably well except i can't find anywhere on earth where i could go where i don't see girls! except the confines of my agressively private house.
soaked up the waves by the banks while i saw a roudy group going for a swim, in which was a younger girl of 17-18 who was obviously a part of the gang.
changed my spot later and after some time the same gang passed by obviously done with marauding, harrasing the tourists, causing trouble etc.. and returning back again with her two girl friends who were the other remaining female members of the group, she stopped by to say "hi" to a dude she knew and with whom i was chatting, then after some chats when her friends insisted she leaves with them she insisted that she stayed and chatted up some more, abruptly changing her seat from my back to directly infront of me- infront of my goddamn view- so i had no option but to gaze straight at her.
she has obviously recognized me and was probably trying to figure me out. but little did she know what i was inside.
they were having the most offensive repertoire with ultra, ultra obsceneties like it was a normal thing. i don't hate that, and infact it was one of my turn ons at the time, i was also adoring her aggresive yet *very natural* manner of freedom. and there was the haircut which i don't know whaddya call it.. short cut with the sides kneaded(?) and the middle just standing up all messy from front to back. just the universal symbol of an insane tom-girl...
the whole thing was wrong; and she got up and left when her friend kept calling her but it just went to show me.
also i had been having this totally random encounters with a girl of whom i have no idea whatsoever, and when the brief encounters at the d/t places became somewhat too repetetive we started exchanging glances. we may never ever meet again, that's how random this thing is but when we do we just share a glance or two. this one also has a bad haircut- short cut with i really don't know what else to say...
i know i like short hair styles, i believe on a woman that shows courage and taste in her style sense. but the reason behind this i know i like eccentric girls, eccentric but also tough, one who can really take care of herself. i have no assurances whatsoever that these two loonies are like that at all, in all probability i am projecting my desires onto them.
i have've been trying to reconcile shit and i am increasingly finding out that this is greately damaging to my spiritual ardor. for better or worse i believe i have excellent taste when it comes to girls; i can spot fashion taste, personal qualities etc.. like that! and i have learned to appreciate everything about them in a very fine way. but since my spiritual turn i have suddenly expanded my horizon to find the same intensity and refinement in everything else in life and also my paths i have chosen always reliably insist on the turning away of the awareness from them, which i have no problem with. i have done it once and if i try again i can definitely do it again. this(interceding years) was just probably a lapse in judgement though i am thinking that it is an experiment of sorts to see if i can somehow reconcile the two while i ultimately stayed in power with an ability to put a stop to it at any moment. the reasons are numerous but one is seeing how i could hold when/if ex-LO joined me in life as a platonic friend. or even if not her i guess i was just attempting to "figure out the issue by myself"- re: females' role in spirituality... with men or alone. if a true buddhist read this he would have slapped me once or twice b/c this is just a completely useless, philosophic-shameful/time wasting- endeavour. but as i said there were some other factors for me doing so.
i've been detachedly dissecting ex-LO for some time past now and i have mauled her very bad. the procedure is the same- replaying, intrusives, data gathering/analysing etc..- but done with an after limerence cold logic.
one thing: i've decided that she's not as eccentric as i first imagined. she has eccentricity but *harmonized*. (look up sun trine uranus natal- yes i am now into astrology so deal with it whoever is reading this) girl you can't harmonize eccentricity, you can-you have-, but then it loses its essence. it has to be always a little edgy, perhaps dangerous too.
she was right re all the logic in the world not to reply to my messages, even the last and warningly conclusive. it was the most sane thing to do. but again this has showed *me* that she is a logical eccentric, whereas i am not(mars square uranus natal). the very simple fact of me trying to make contact was a transgression of all that is logical in the world, yet i went with my gut. she has reduced-or was born that way i guess- this sacred gift of craziness to be used as wallpaper, a salon tiger- one where you show it to your guests etc..
i liked her spontaneity and courage but i find that it is confined only to the luring in of men and money. sad.
so i guess that's that. now i am seeing if i should shut the whole case and be like before. the buddhist cosmic snub of women. i.e.
student, "and of women?"
Buddha, "don't look at them Ananda."
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: reciprocity, abandonement and guilt

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

_tomboy
repartee
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

AnjiTheDestroyer
Posts: 509
Joined: Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:14 am

Re: reciprocity, abandonement and guilt

Post by AnjiTheDestroyer »

_I am now experiencing, LIVE.... a dawn.
a cool, crisp.. (and a bonus:)wet dawn. and unlike my fantasies i am not sharing it with anyone but myself.
and i am not feeling sad. or incomplete. or guilty or wishing she was here under my arm. it is unyearning, unfeverish and hence pure of infatuation-LE.
this is a simple proof that recovery from LE is possible.(i am conscious, not distracting myself and yet i am not hijacked) this shows that re-eruption of LE is not proof of no-escape-ever but ignorance of methods on how to maintain THIS state.
... AAAAAAAAAAND A DAY!!!!
Ignore.Satisfy.Understand

Post Reply